smokeysensualist

pondering + drunkorexic + stoner + freak = me

[smokeysensualist]

Not sure how to introduce myself. I like a lot of things. My all time favorite thing to do, though, is to use all my senses and just really pay attention to the sensory information my brain is gathering. That's why I love music, sleeping in the right fabrics, daydreaming, good perfumes, cooking the perfect meal, and just staring.

I have some "problems" too. I really like to drink alcohol and smoke weed. (ーωー) I like ⭐️rving, and I love making up weird cleaning rituals because it makes me feel pure (oh and I suppose I have body image issues even though I think I'm pretty). For more focus on that check out @starvingstars-diary

As for appearance wise, I'm a 19 year old east african girl. I'm 167cm, and my Cw is 57kg. (number will get updated from time to time)

I'm up for conversing with any kind of person, but be warned I'm a slow responder sometimes. However, I usually like everyone, so yeah.

Thanks for reading. ( ´∀｀ )b

[smokeysensualist]

After waking up from my extremely depressing delusions (aka getting away from evil friends that bullied me into those delusions), I have been constantly hit with the realization that there are actually people that like me. I've just not been believing them without realizing and I feel really bad. Idk why it's so difficult for me to believe people actually like me. 😭

[smokeysensualist]

Why do I keep overwhelming myself? 😔

[smokeysensualist]

I can never properly rest unless my tasks are done. However I'm too tired to do my tasks...but I can't properly rest unless my tasks are done. It's an endless loop. 😔 (I literally made the tasks I am suffering in an imaginary prison 😭)

[smokeysensualist]

I need to learn how to flirt. 😠

[smokeysensualist]

It's so hard for me to categorize myself. I need to just make my own categories. 🦄

[smokeysensualist]

I finally understand my mom so I don't get as hurt by her actions anymore. Don't get me wrong I do feel wronged and rightfully so, buuut I now know her intentions during those times and therefore decided to just let it go. Also just when I compare her wrong doings to the shit she went through while trying to take care of me it's like I don't give a fuck about what she's done to me anymore. Half of the time our problems were genuinely just language barriers and culture differences stemming from me being 2nd gen immigrant who doesn't know their mother language and her being an immigrant that knows the language fluently enough, but she still has to translate everything in her head.

[smokeysensualist]

My mom got mad at me when I told her that people get mad at me for being honest so I try to be careful with my words. She said something along the lines of tf is wrong with you those are bad people why are you changing yourself to be dishonest for others' ignorant happiness. My mom knows me, but not how I act (we talk but not a lot) so anytime I tell her she genuinely gets shocked. 💀 And by the time I tell her I've already degraded myself in crazy ways for others. 😭💀 I'm not telling her all that though. Highkey embarrassing, and she would genuinely feel soo sad, and also bully me. 😜

[smokeysensualist]

Bruh I think I need to redecorate my tumblr, like it feels like me, but not me anymore. Problem is I'm suuper sentimental. That's why I'm a borderline hoarder irl. ( ﾟεﾟ；) My tumblr theme is so cute I don't want it to disappear forever, but then the only other option becomes creating a new account which I've done before lol, but I'm too attached to this account to do that. (T^T) I'm going to manipulate myself into believing a screenshot is enough... it's not...but I'll change my own mind just wait. (￢_￢) orr I'll just stay the same lol. ;p

[childoflamb]

[vampires-byte]

me and gang planning what self destructive behavior to do today

[divinedoll2005]

I wake up and I ??? then I get ready and ?? then go to sleep and ???

[smokeysensualist]

My favorite activity is making a to-do list and making the reward for completing it a joint, or or or making the to-do list smoking a joint then doing all the tasks, and rewarding myself with another joint. 🦄🦄

[smokeysensualist]

My tummy hurts. 😓

[smokeysensualist]

When I was manic I viewed every living being as my friend. Ended up in the basement storage room of an apartment building owned by two guys I had just met. One of them jokingly said as we entered the apartment basement "haha now is when I k11l you" and thats when I became aware that I shouldn't view every human as a friend. I genuinely forgot. I was literally a few towns away from my town and it was late and no one knew the address of where I was or even that I was going somewhere and those two guys... are not really safe as in they do some shady stuff. Hangout ended safely though they were kind towards me, but yeah I realized I need to be more careful. 😓 Kinda sad not every living being on earth is my friend. 😕

[smokeysensualist]

When I was losing it my e4ting habits were insane. (I've been losing it my whole life💀) Now I am left with the consequences. My body physically r3jects food, like hours will pass and my stom4ch refuses to digest it and then I start feeling sick so against my will I thr0w up. Just to emphasize that it is against my will. I once went on a walk when I felt sick in the hopes that it would make me feel better. Boy was I wrong. I kept feeling it coming up but I held it down. Tried to speed up to my home so I at least could do it in private. I wasn't fast enough. 💀 Had to stop three times to thr0w up on the side of the street while walking home. 💀 I don't know what to eat anymore. I have to try and figure out what fo0d is s4fe and what isn't. This is the type of shit you find out as a baby or throughout your childhood not as a fucking young adult omds. 😭💀 I can't even eat chips anymore what am I supposed to eat at during seshs and parties. I'm a big back at heart so the second I'm under the influence I eat random shit, but now my stom4ch can't handle shit. 😓

[smokeysensualist]

Yesterday I thought I was just angry a lot because I hadn't eaten, but I ate. Still feel bloated asl today too. Now I've found a new thing to be angry about. This has to be some unresolved childhood trauma or sum. Lowkey when I think about it I was a pretty angry child too before I became all soft and started blaming myself for shit. (Ps. It wasn't my fault I was a literal child realized recently.) Hrrrm. Gotta unpack this shit.