Just Me

A blog to talk about my feelings… I have a lot of them lol

[smoothbrain-time]

I can’t stop thinking about my ex. He’s found another partner already and I’ve been replaced and tbh I hate it. I dream about him every night and I can’t stop loving him but I have to. I have to get over it. I can’t keep crying about him. I know that mentally but emotionally I can’t move. I’m so stuck in my emotions that I can’t move. It makes me freeze in my spot. I hate that I can’t stop thinking about you because I know you’re not thinking about me. You’re happy with someone else and I’m just here crying pathetically. I hate this feeling of what could have been. I hate feeling like we could have just talked it out , just worked it out … it’s all fucking bull shit. I fucking hate this shit. I hate how I feel right now. I just want to claw at my skin until I fucking bleed just to feel something else but sadness. I’ve been so depressed everyone can tell…it’s so stupid because I should be fine. I should be happy you’re in my life but I’m so sad. I’m sad you’re in it because you’re just a shadow of your former self. You’ve put me in this tiny little box and I can’t live here. I can’t live in this tiny space you’ve made for me. I don’t belong here anymore. I have to leave and move on. I have to get up or I’ll be stuck forever.

[smoothbrain-time]

Just here dissociating instead of working. Honestly I don’t think I’ve done any work during my planning period lol. Usually by the end of the day I’m just over the day. I wish I was more productive but I’m just trying to survive. I was supposed to have an observation but that didn’t happen so now I’m worried about when it will actually happen. It’s been looming over me so I’m not that happy that it didn’t happen. I was prepared and now I won’t know when he’ll be there. Ugh I hate not knowing. I don’t like uncertainty

[smoothbrain-time]

As a teacher, it’s hard dealing with students. I love the fuck out of those little shits but Jesus lmao sometimes I don’t want to deal with them. Sometimes I wish my job was chill. But even in the best class sometimes I just feel bored to be there. Other times I just get anxious and nervous at the thought of having my crazy classes. They never shut the fuck up and honestly I’m tired of it. I want all my classes to go the same but different classes need different techniques and tbh i sometimes don’t have it in me to be on them. Sometimes I just don’t care what they do. Sometimes I just let them be on their phones so I don’t have to deal with them. Like I see you kid on your phone but at least you’re quiet right? Idk if that makes me a bad person but it definitely makes me feel like a bad teacher. I want my students to grow but it’s hard sometimes to even find the want to teach. It’s so mentally draining and it can get boring and repetitive. I love it but also yeah I need to vent about it

[smoothbrain-time]

Missing you. I think about you all the time. I wish I could still be with you. I didn’t appreciate you when I was with you. I didn’t appreciate having you by my side enough. I love you. I’m sorry things ended this way. I still love you. I’ll always love you. I still think about you and dream about you. I hope you’re doing okay. I hope you’re happy honestly. I hope my absence has been beneficial versus not. I feel like you’d be happier without me but I could be wrong. I don’t know. All I know is that I miss you. I want things to be different. This shit hurts

[smoothbrain-time]

Well this is just a blog to talk about my feelings. I feel llike my mental health journey has been going up and down so I’d like to just get all my thoughts and feelings out there. I’m a teacher with a stressful job. I’m a married to my wonderful wife and we have 3 fur babies. I am also polyamorous so I have extra feels about my relationships. Life can be a lot for me. Idk about you but I have so much trauma and anxiety about shit it’s not even funny. My hope for this blog is to really dig into my trauma and dissect my feelings. This is a no judgement zone for myself. I want to learn how to process my feelings in a way that is healthy and helpful.