My now ex-boyfriend and I broke up two days ago. I have been exploding with feelings ranging from feeling like my chest will collapse and I will die to just wanting to know he is okay and wanting to love him.
Since it happened, I have been writing a lot. Writing on Facebook. Writing on my other blog. Writing very lengthy e-mails to my therapist. I figured I may as well focus all of the words into one place and maybe get some input from other people.
A little background about my breakup:
I experienced a huge trauma 4 years ago and have severe PTSD as a result. When I met my ex, I could barely hold a conversation with anyone. I was withdrawing from my friends. I was really struggling.
I have always viewed our relationship as miraculous. Somehow it felt easy to talk to him. I was a shaky, jumpy mess who cried whenever he touched me, but he was slow and gentle and tried so hard to make me feel comfortable.
My PTSD caused a lot of challenges, but we navigated it together. We loved each other so much and tried to give each other what we need.
Unfortunately, as I’ve been healing, I’ve been wanting more. Having kids some time in the future became something I wanted while that wasn’t something he was interest in. Despite me talking about things I want in the future, I think both of us were waiting for the other to change their minds. We had even been talking about moving in together because decisions about big things seemed very far off. Neither of us were ready to let go.
After three days of arguing about a lot of future things, he was finally ready to let go. Once the decision was made we parted ways with kind words and a few goodbye kisses.
Yesterday was the first full day since breaking up and it was so much harder than I thought it would be. I’ll share the things I wrote yesterday in other posts.
I am hoping this blog can be a place where I am open and honest about how I feel post breakup. I still love my ex with all my heart. It’s been 2 days and it isn’t something I can turn off. While I know I can’t hold on to this feeling of love forever, I don’t want it to turn into anger and bitterness. I want to approach this with love. Love for him and love for myself.
Please feel free to submit suggestions, advice, your own breakup stories and lessons.
I want to use this blog to talk about mostly healthy relationships and breakups and overall keep a positive approach through all the pain, but I know not all relationships are like that. My other blog, Recovery With An Asterisk is about PTSD and recovering from trauma and abuse. Please feel free to message me on either blog if you need to talk.
