it takes an incredible amount of effort to live every day like this
one day it might lead to health issues down the line due to the stress i’ve dealt with for years.
recently i had an issue with my head that went away on its own before i was going to go the hospital. a lot of people were worried.
the thought crossed my mind that maybe it was too late. maybe everything caught up to me sooner than i expected. had i done enough?
i’ve always been so afraid of death, but if i were to die today, would i be able to say i helped others live?
it’s a difficult question, because i’ve always felt like i’m never enough. i’ve always felt like i put my heart and soul into everyone around me and rarely do i ask for anything back.
i’ve wondered how old i’ll be when my body gives in to the stress. i’ve wondered if i have a limit. what if i do have a limit? what if it exists and i went past it a long time ago? why am i so incapable of helping people when i try so fucking hard?
when my head felt better, these thoughts went away again.
and it’s been a few days since then. my head’s felt very empty. like a metaphorical version of myself was telling me something.
a warning.
it’s so funny to come back here and see this url.
at this point i only associate this url with a time i was cold, a time i was incapable of doing what i wanted to do, a time i felt powerless and taken so advantage of.
people still call me snwy. some people will only remember me as that name forever. some people remember when i called myself vivian, but.
i’m so far past feeling cold. i find comfort in the cold, yes, but recently things have been different.
i know its selfish. i know it’s incredibly self-centered.
but my entire life has been about other people. for once, i need to be the main character in my own life.
i’ve tasted what its like to feel fired up, to feel like i can really do it, that i can win and my effort can pay off.
my entire life has been me telling myself there are things i can’t do because i’m incapable of doing them. while contradicting myself and telling others they could do anything.
it’s about fucking time i do it myself.
i wish i could describe what its like to feel the flame igniting in my own heart. it’s such a god damn powerful feeling. i started this post saying it takes so much effort to live, but the flame inside me genuinely feels like an otherworldly force is there helping me.
it’s a feeling that you can do anything, that nothing can stop you, and that even IF you get stopped, you’ll come back stronger.
it’s incredibly motivating. when i’m in the zone, i feel like a god-damn train at max speed.
i’m SICK and TIRED of these limiters that i’ve only set there myself.
i’m never going to fucking give up, because that’s not who i am.
one day it’ll be me up there.
one day it’ll be my fucking turn.
and i’ll make damn sure it happens.
