so yeon

stuyvesant hs '12 cornell university '16 this is my home.

[so-soyeon]

When life leaves us blind, love keeps us kind.

Chester Bennington

[so-soyeon]

so grateful!

i was so full of fear and uncertainty until really recently because of med school

but now things are so bright and still full of uncertainty -- but in a good way.

and i haven’t really been a great Christian (or really a Christian at all maybe), but this makes me feel really thankful to God. And makes me feel like he’s really watching out for me and helping me on my journey.

I can’t say this is going to change my behavior and make me go to church and love church and all things holy but... yeah, just feeling a little more faithful today.

[so-soyeon]

What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.

Albert Pike

[so-soyeon]

everyone’s graduating. and I only have a week left til mine too. but everyone seems to know what they’re doing with their life except me. and it’s starting to freak me out because a few months ago I kept telling myself things would work out and i’d get a job SOMEWHERE but its already the end of may and i have nothing. seriously 0 options.  i wonder what it is that i’m doing wrong. i know i’m going to end up somewhere. and i know i’ll end up at a medical school eventually. but for now i feel so aimless and fruitless. 

i’d be 1000x more excited about europe if i had a job lined up.  i feel like a part of me is doing this europe trip because i’m pushing off the fact i have nothing to do after graduation. this gives me something to do.  yes its something i’ve dreamt of but i’m just mainly worried now. 

i guess i need to get ready to be the poorest of my friends.

but for now i just need to focus on getting through this last final exam. just got sick right before it. great timing.  wish things would actually work out for me instead of me having to tell myself things will be ok

[so-soyeon]

T-3

bleh bleh 3 days left until my exam idk how i feel about it but i’m just so tired at this point i kind of dont care (which isnt true bc this is my life at stake here)

but yeah i kinda really like how this exam really shaped me up. i have a great sleeping schedule, i dont overeat bc i dont have time. I don’t eat out ever. I get to have snacks and chocolate but not so much it’s super fattening. i have a really good work ethic and i don’t waste any time doing unnecessary things.

i also feel like these past 6 weeks have made me even more of a hermit than before though. like, not just because it forced me to be a hermit, but i kind of grew used to it/like it. I obviously want people to talk to and stuff, but at the same time I don’t really like spending time with people doing pointless things anymore. which is kind of sad. i feel really boring. and i think ive become sort of conditioned to feel guilty if im doing something that isn’t productive. i can’t just sit and watch a show unless its my meal break. if im going to take a break from studying, i have to go to the gym.  i kind of like it, but i kind of dont. i feel like im going to become friendless or something if i keep it up lol.

[so-soyeon]

i really need to get my mind wrapped around the idea that yes, i should treat myself and do things i want because i should love myself and reward myself for just being me... but also that the reward doesn’t necessarily mean putting off responsibilities or giving up the more sensible choice to do something more fun or immediately gratifying. treating myself also means sucking it up and doing things that will reward me in the long run. i might not want to do it now. I might not want to do it ever. but doing it anyway is a bigger reward. it’ll get me further in life and built good habits of self control and sacrifice. 

trying to take everything as a blessing and keep going. when i think about it, none of my struggles are nearly as bad as what my parents went through and still go through every day. so i shouldn’t be complaining. they’re 30 years older than i am and work harder and longer every single day doing the same exact thing. and they say they’re thankful and happy. so how can i complain about having to study or write job applications... 

gonna just keep pushing & try to be half as strong as my parents. and have an open, grateful mind.  because being happy is most important. and you can’t possibly be happy if you don’t have that mindset. 

[so-soyeon]

!!

I think today I finally came to terms with taking 2 gap years before med school. I’m actually kind of excited for it - not that i know what I’m going to do yet. and it’s really not like me to think so ambitiously, but I really feel like if I do something substantive for my gap years, I’m gonna have a really good options when applying. And hopefully I’ll be able to pick from a few instead of being forced to go to the only one I get into (kinda like cornell lol)

2016 is the year for doing what’s good for me, and trying to make it be something I want to do at the same time.  Also trying to start good habits - start building my savings, eat right, exercise More importantly, I want to be able to make clear cut decisions and know what I deserve and what I don’t. I’m really good at thinking that I don’t deserve something (bc i’m usually lazy and don’t work for things), and I’m also the type of person not to go for something because it’s too much work. I can always convince myself that what I want isn’t that important, or that I actually don’t want it that much, because i don’t want to do the work. I don’t want to do that anymore.

i think this winter break (spent miserably studying) really helped me realize how much I really love company (and that I’m not as antisocial and introverted as I thought) and how nice it can be to actually learn some of the things that I basically bullshitted my way through and never really understood (like fucking mitosis & meiosis lol) but at the same time, I kind of enjoyed being able to be alone and only be around people (my family lol) maybe an hour or two a day.  and most most importantly, I now know I can literally force myself to do things I really don’t want to. I always knew I had pretty good self control but at the same time, I’m usually really lax with myself so I don’t care about controlling myself. Kind of makes me wonder where I’d be if I always tried hard in things lol. o well

i kind of reevaluated myself this break. I’m not the most successful, or the most on top of my shit, or the prettiest, or the thinnest, or the most charming person... but I think I have some pretty good qualities. I think I’m slowly becoming more and more into someone I really want to be & that makes me very happy ^_^  And that means I know I deserve someone who appreciates me, and expresses that appreciation, and cares about how I’m feeling or what I want/need. And I guess I wrote this entire thing just to end at this not-so-relevant point. I’m so done with being treated like whatever. Because I’m not whatever.  This winter break away from you has made it much more easier to simply drop you from my life. So it’s your decision to change or end it. Because honestly, it’s not my loss. It’s almost 100% yours.  

[so-soyeon]

im honestly so so so scared about graduating and growing up ... i can’t imagine myself being happy working at a job or having so many responsibilities... 

fuck why do i suck so much at this

[so-soyeon]

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jasonwells/gas-tanker-explosion-nigeria#.whW7KxWM0

it’s really really sad when tragedies that happen in developing countries get almost no attention. Social media can seriously blow things up either out of proportion or draw attention to things that are really important and bring people together... but it also makes inattention to things really, really obvious. 

[so-soyeon]

ugh i thought it would be a good idea to start 2016 w/o you but i had no fucking balls to drop you from my life

[so-soyeon]

wow this has been the shittiest week and it’s been two days.

got my period (which i never get) yesterday and got into a huge unnecessary fight with my friend over a misunderstanding and he just blew up at me and now it’s just awkward and it’s been kind of bad for the past like month with him so idk what’s even going to happen 

and then my laptop broke today and i can’t get it fixed until saturday because it’s in syracuse and they dont have any earlier appointment times

i took a rest day today even though i wasnt supposed to and i feel like a lard now

and now im just in a completely shitty mood and i dont want to talk to anyone unless theyre going to solve my laptop problem and that means i definitely am not in the mood to play nice with my friend tomorrow and that just means we’re probably not going to be friends. 

fantastic.

[acidizer]

[so-soyeon]

trying to do this thing where i exercise like 5-6x a week and eat healthy while still letting myself eat what i want whenever i go out with friends and stuff and not feel guilty

but i still feel bad when i eat bad... like i need to go exercise again or something ugh

health is hard

[so-soyeon]

i want somebody who will treat me like im one of their top priorities

[so-soyeon]

so ive been having a lot of trouble getting myself to study for my mcats because i have no self control when it comes to things i dont really want to do unless someone gives me step by step instructions like at a prep or a teacher

and so my mom started bitching at me about how im not studying and she told me a random story about a girl we know becoming some kind of nurse or something and making 80k a year rn. and then she was like “well i know this story has nothing to do with you because youre gonna be a doctor” and then she went into how if im gonna do it then i have to work hard at it

so i told her i literally give no fucks about being a doctor and that maybe i should do that nurse crap. and she was like “do you think youd make a good nurse or something?” and i was like “idk if she can do it why cant i” and she was like “well you picked being a doctor.” and i said i didnt because i dont have anything i want to do im just studying for something medical. so she then told me i should do what i want so i told her i want to be a registered dietician. and she was like “fine ok do that” and so i said that i wouldnt really make money. and she goes “you cant pick a job for the money” and i was like “okay so youre telling me to go for it?” and she was like “well wont you feel like all your studying and hard work went to waste?” 

but the tone she said it in was like a ‘Ill think that its a waste’ and so i started yelling at her bc why the fuck would you say all that unnecessary shit if youre not gonna approve in the end.

and then she was like “ok well you have to work hard if youre gonna be a doctor since thats what youre aiming for so study. make a plan and do it.” and i was like “i have a plan but im not doing it.”

and i really dont know what im doing or what i want to do or what i will do. and i thought it was still ok. a lot of people dont. but my mom started yelling at me bc i only have 1 year til i graduate and she thinks i need to know exactly what im gonna do for the rest of my life right now.

and then she said if im not gonna be a doctor I should try to be a professor in nutrition. like NO i dont want to be a fucking professor. 

she literally only wants me to become shit that is looked so highly upon in korea. professors and doctors - my cousin told me those two jobs are like considered the most respectable there. its like a whole diff level of status.

such fucking bullshit.

[so-soyeon]

summer 2015 list

smorgasburg read 5 books go to LA work out often + good eating habits = lose some weight bushwick street art guggenheim museum coney island fireworks walk the brooklyn bridge at sunset go rock climbing get natural at driving go on a picnic dramatic haircut go to a concert go hiking go to the beach

[so-soyeon]

today my mom said hi to mitchell on video chatting for the first time :’)