I don’t understand how I can try so fucking hard to listen, adapt, and move forward, and yet all I’m seen for are my flaws. I know that I have them, and I’ve spent a huge part of my life trying to accept them while still believing that I am a good person. But being in a “healthy” relationship has shown me that maybe that isn’t necessarily true. I can try as much as I can to be a partner, but sometimes, no matter what you do, you can’t force the other person to see you differently. I’m stuck in this pattern of healing and transformation, being positive and excited for the future, and then being sucked back down a million steps back when that enthusiasm isn’t met.
Am I really everything that is wrong with him? Am I really looking for a mundane life? What do I really need? I want excitement, but I also want stability. I want romance, while also sharing the practical. I don’t want to dim myself down. I hate feeling this way. I hate not knowing who I am anymore, or how to compromise. I hate feeling like I have a partner that’s hopeless about us. I don’t want to wait around. I’m losing patience; I could be so much more than this. The thought of losing him hurts me so much, because I could see myself getting old with him. But what’s the point in growing old with someone if you hate them? I don’t think he loves me unconditionally. I don’t think he is mature enough for this. I also don’t think he dreams big enough for me. I feel so out of place at times. And I always feel like I’m the problem. I feel like it’s up to me to fix everything. And because I’m the only one trying, it’s my fault when it doesn’t work. My head and my heart hurt. I feel like I need to stop tricking myself into thinking that I’m actually doing anything to change anything.
I’m so tired of being his scapegoat. I fucking HATE feeling like he blames me for everything that’s “wrong” with his life. I already hate it when people make excuses as to why they can’t be more or do more. But putting it on me? Wait and see how quickly I pull the rug just to show you to never put it on me when everyone has the same agency to try harder for what they want. Everyone has the ability to try. If you’re alive you have the ability to try. Don’t fucking blame me that you’re not making more money, that you’re not further in your career, that you want more because of me, all of that. Stop fucking blaming everyone else for where you fall short.












