Lux Mentis

Light of mind Light of the world

[so-without]

I don’t understand how I can try so fucking hard to listen, adapt, and move forward, and yet all I’m seen for are my flaws. I know that I have them, and I’ve spent a huge part of my life trying to accept them while still believing that I am a good person. But being in a “healthy” relationship has shown me that maybe that isn’t necessarily true. I can try as much as I can to be a partner, but sometimes, no matter what you do, you can’t force the other person to see you differently. I’m stuck in this pattern of healing and transformation, being positive and excited for the future, and then being sucked back down a million steps back when that enthusiasm isn’t met.

Am I really everything that is wrong with him? Am I really looking for a mundane life? What do I really need? I want excitement, but I also want stability. I want romance, while also sharing the practical. I don’t want to dim myself down. I hate feeling this way. I hate not knowing who I am anymore, or how to compromise. I hate feeling like I have a partner that’s hopeless about us. I don’t want to wait around. I’m losing patience; I could be so much more than this. The thought of losing him hurts me so much, because I could see myself getting old with him. But what’s the point in growing old with someone if you hate them? I don’t think he loves me unconditionally. I don’t think he is mature enough for this. I also don’t think he dreams big enough for me. I feel so out of place at times. And I always feel like I’m the problem. I feel like it’s up to me to fix everything. And because I’m the only one trying, it’s my fault when it doesn’t work. My head and my heart hurt. I feel like I need to stop tricking myself into thinking that I’m actually doing anything to change anything.

I’m so tired of being his scapegoat. I fucking HATE feeling like he blames me for everything that’s “wrong” with his life. I already hate it when people make excuses as to why they can’t be more or do more. But putting it on me? Wait and see how quickly I pull the rug just to show you to never put it on me when everyone has the same agency to try harder for what they want. Everyone has the ability to try. If you’re alive you have the ability to try. Don’t fucking blame me that you’re not making more money, that you’re not further in your career, that you want more because of me, all of that. Stop fucking blaming everyone else for where you fall short.

[so-without]

There are still days when I feel crazy. I feel like I’m drowning and suffocating lately and to try and balance myself out, I have these highs to counter the lows. I feel like sobbing one minute and then the next I feel like talking to everyone and anyone like nothing happened. I go from feeling total despair to walking on clouds, to wanting to lay on the floor face down. I don’t know how I really feel. The only thing I know is that I feel insane. I feel stuck, I feel like I have no one. I feel judged, I feel like a burden. I feel like I don’t want the responsibility of acting a certain way at the looming threat of someone abandoning me. I feel like I have to figure all this shit out while faking a smile. I hate it. I really do.

[so-without]

I can be ugly

Foul

Downright mean

It oozes out

Drips just down

Like the blood from the heart on my sleeve

I don’t mean to poison

You

I don’t mean to hurt

You

No I don’t want to push you

Away

But your love, it burns

When I’m raging fire

It burns

Both of us

[so-without]

Just absolutely enamored 🥰

[defilerwyrm]

Let people grow.

When I was younger I was very right-wing. I mean…very right-wing. I won’t go into detail, because I’m very deeply ashamed of it, but whatever you’re imagining, it’s probably at least that bad. I’ve taken out a lot of pain on others; I’ve acted in ignorance and waved hate like a flag; I’ve said and did things that hurt a lot of people.

There are artefacts of my past selves online – some of which I’ve locked down and keep around to remind me of my past sins, some of which I’ve scrubbed out, some of which are out of my grasp. If I were ever to become famous, people could find shit on me that would turn your stomach.

But that’s not me anymore. I’ve learned so much in the last ten years. I’ve become more open to seeing things through others’ eyes, and reforged my anger to turn on those who harm others rather than on those who simply want to exist. I’ve learned patience and compassion. I’ve learned how to recognise my privileges and listen to others’ perspectives. I’ve learned to stand up for others, how to hear, how to help, how to correct myself. And I learned some startling shit about myself along the way – with all due irony, some of the things I used to lash out at others for are intrinsic parts of myself.

You wouldn’t know what I am now from what I was then. You wouldn’t know what I was then from what I am now.

It distresses me deeply to think of someone dredging up my dark, awful past and treating me as though that furiously hateful person is still me. It distresses me to see others dredging up the past for anyone who has made efforts to become a better person, out of some sick obsession with proving they’re “problematic.”

Purity culture tells you that once someone says or does something, they can never go back on it. That’s a goddamn lie. While it’s true that some remain unrepentant and never change their ways and continue to harm others, it’s important to allow everyone the chance to learn from their mistakes. Saying something ignorant isn’t murder. Please stop treating it that way. Let people grow.

[got-zayn]

Still call it out and question it ….

[defilerwyrm]

Bruh. No. Listen. Call out what people do now, absolutely. If they haven’t changed, call them out on their record. This post is explicitly not about people who HAVEN’T changed. What this post IS saying is, if someone is making an effort to be a good person, don’t go digging around in their past for evidence that they were once for what they’re now against, or once against what they’re now for, as “proof” of what they “really think,” because people’s opinions and beliefs can change. 

The obsession with finding shit in someone’s past and then claiming that a questionable or even sordid past negates all possibility of a good present needs to become extinct. Gold-star activism and purity culture are bullshit and we need to collectively reject the fuck out of them.

If someone has changed for the better, don’t harass them about what they were like before they fuckin’ changed. That’s shitty and it needs to stop.

[fiddlepickdouglas]

I feel the need to add that with several cancellation campaigns that I’ve seen, people will also point out if said person was “already an adult” when they did whatever offensive thing ten or so years before. As if being a legal adult means people will automatically know better or that their life experience has led them to all the right conclusions about a given topic by then.

Not everyone gets some cosmic awakening at 15 and learns how to take down the system in a handful of months. And even people who have been introduced to nuanced subjects for years take their time for it to really click. Sometimes adults just don’t know things. Sometimes they know but they don’t understand. Sometimes they are so so sooooo close but they need that one last push toward getting the point and it cannot be forced. People can also change drastically in just a year. If I, like op, were to become famous you wouldn’t even have to dig a whole 2 years to find shit I fundamentally disagree with now.

We cannot judge a person based on the past if their actions do not reflect those ideas. And when we recognize someone in the process of changing we cannot expect them to immediately be perfect. It takes work to detach old feelings about subjects that old beliefs taught against, and it takes practice to handle situations without sometimes the past you coming out. For people who had to make these changes as adults it can be so much harder. I promise you there are times where I have berated myself more than necessary for even thinking something I knew I disagreed with because it was merely something I had heard so much growing up. Nobody who has made genuine progress needs that shit stirred up again.

If you’re that concerned about how good some human being you’ve never personally met is, you need to disconnect yourself for a while. You’re not helping anyone by appointing yourself as investigator, judge, jury and jailer. You need to torture a person so bad? Create a blorbo. Stop ruining the lives of real people.

[so-without]

I hope one day that the right type of love finds me. I am bringing to life all the things I would set out to get this year, one by one. Everything I desire comes to me.

The right person is coming. You won’t have to cross my mind anymore.

[so-without]

I met you the next day. 🥹

[so-without]

I’m in love with this man. I feel seen, validated, heard, and truly loved. I want to cry. This is what I’ve always wanted, but better. Damn.

[spacelazarwolf]

i wish all working class brits a very riot when your government tries to spend a billion dollars on that bitch’s funeral while your cost of living skyrockets, and i wish all non brits a very support working class brits while their country catches on fire

[so-without]

It’s true when they say you just know.

[so-without]

Goddammit. I’m so fuckin in love it actually makes me hurt to know I can’t properly express it, especially because I know better than to let my emotions get the best of me.

But I love you so much. When I’m not with you I think about you and how much I miss you. Even when I need time apart and to be alone, your acceptance of it and understanding makes me wanna get back to you asap.

I don’t have any doubts about us. But not gonna lie the future stresses me out. My mom, my parents, being so far away, your mom being here and needing your help, the fact that I can’t see you being happy in California.

Trying to stay living in the present. I guess the future will come as it does.

[so-without]

Goddammit. I’ve never been one to give someone “the look”; the stare you give someone when you’re falling in love. I’ve seen it done to me twice. This is the first time I’ve ever given it back and it’s been while he’s looking away. I look at him and just feel so warm and can’t stop looking; I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I finally get it now.

[so-without]

Can’t believe I could love someone so much. It was like you were made for me 🥹

[so-without]

I can see getting everything I’ve ever wanted in a relationship with you. 🥹

[so-without]

I haven’t felt this way about someone for as long as I can remember - even with people from my past who I felt butterflies in my stomach for, they were always accompanied with anxiety. But this, this feels different. I get excited to see or hear from him and it’s accompanied with a feeling of warmth and familiarity. Comfort. Not forced, just there and feeling wonderful. Even with Matt I never missed him in the way I miss HIM. I’m so excited for this. Could it have all led to this?

I’m trying not to let my emotions overwhelm me and really trying to stay grounded and logical here. He’s asked me to be his girlfriend already and I said no, but not because I don’t feel a way about him. I just need to be sure I’m not being blind and making decisions purely off emotion.

Anyway. I’m so excited to see what happens from here. I feel like everything has been a stepping stone up to this point. This could be something.

[so-without]

I may be sprung 😭🫣😍

[so-without]

Fuck just looking at you makes me happy

[so-without]

I still get so angry thinking about how you just blew it and let this go. That was the best communication I’ve had and I don’t see myself finding that easily again. I miss loving talking to someone on the phone. How easy our convos were. How we’d solve problems, compromise. Talk about nothing for hours. Or just do our own separate work while just being on the line. Of course, until you didn’t want to anymore. I miss being able to text you and just communicate. ACTUALLY communicate.

That was special.

It’s just so fucking stupid of you. It was and still is. Fuck.