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@soberintoxication
See you soon, Papa.
A French philosopher once said, “I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn’t, than live as if there isn’t and die to find out that there is.” I have heard some variation of this quote from my Papa many times in my life. I think it’s safe to say it was one of his favorites. It also embodies who he was as a person. No matter where he was, or who was around, he…
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The One Where She’s Pregnant
On May 10th I randomly took a test. I was “technically” supposed to start the day before (Mother’s Day) but didn’t. I didn’t think much of it, though, because I haven’t been on time since I stopped taking birth control over a year ago. But, I have what I call “pregnancy paranoia,” so I keep tests under my bathroom sink for anytime I get a feeling of “could I be?” I never expect a line. That…
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Happy Birthday, B
A little over a month ago we met the sweetest babe. Today he is one. While the day is full of excitement and celebrations, my heart can’t help but be broken for him and his family. My mind is ate up with the shoulds today… They should be able to celebrate him today. They should be making memories that will last a lifetime. They should get to watch the obligatory cake smashing. They should be…
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Since You've Been Gone
Since You’ve Been Gone
Five years. One thousand, eight hundred thirty-six days. That’s how long it’s been since you went to be with Jesus. I didn’t know how I would survive the first year, let alone half a decade. Yet, here we are. Losing you took so much from me. When I lost you, I lost my innocence. When I lost you, I lost my invincibility. When I lost you, I lost my focus and drive. When I lost you, I lost my…
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Mary knew.
I have some health issues going on. Nothing crazy, but enough so that I needed to have an abdominal ultrasound earlier this week. As I was laying on the table, and watching the screen, it hit me that I had never had an ultrasound and not been pregnant at the time. As soon as that fact hit, so did the realization that I should be pregnant. The ultrasound I was having should have been showing me…
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Maybe it’s okay if I’m not okay.
Maybe it’s okay if I’m not okay.
Let me just say this: 2020 has sucked! I know that with all of the devastation the Coronavirus has brought millions, if not billions, of people, I am not alone in my summation and description here. I find it rather interesting that my newsfeed today is covered in posts that tell stories of gratitude and positivity and light in the darkness that threatens to suffocate us all. And, you know what?…
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School's Out For...Summer?
School’s Out For…Summer?
With the current state of things, I was fairly certain I knew where the governor’s announcement was going today: schools are closed to on-site instruction for the remainder of the school year. However, I am beyond heartbroken. I know I am not alone in feeling this way. I know some of my sadness seems minor compared to the other things going on, but I also know they still matter.
My 5 year old…
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Praise You in this Storm
For a little over a week now, I’ve been feeling this obnoxious shaky, achy feeling throughout my chest, arms, and abdomen - I’m certain my blood pressure is sky-high at the moment - and it took me a bit to recognize it as a panic attack...
My heart hurts. If I’m being quite honest, my everything hurts. I am a naturally passionate person, and I feel my feelings big. When I’m sad, I’m devastated; when I’m happy, I’m ecstatic; when I’m anxious, there’s a full-blown panic attack a’comin’. I don’t say this lightly. It has taken many years, a few doctors and therapists, and a couple of different medicines to figure out how to feel my…
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Feelings are meant to be felt.
Four years ago today, my son died.
I am really struggling with that sentence today, and not just because of the obvious weight of the pain behind it. I’m struggling because I have a constant inner monologue going on.
Who cares? You don’t see other women constantly talking about their loss. You’re overreacting as usual. You know women who’ve actually buried their babies and you have the…
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My Three Year Old Flew
My Three Year Old Flew
When I started this blog I had every intention of sharing the ins and outs of our foster care journey and parenting in general. What I didn’t anticipate was how much I wouldn’t be able to write. Either because I was too busy – having three children, two of which were under 2 is time consuming, y’all – or because I couldn’t – there are rules about what we are and aren’t allowed to share. Even if I…
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500 Days.
500 Days.
That’s five hundred bedtime kisses, five hundred sweet dream wishes. It’s five hundred good morning hugs, five hundred days of love. For five hundred days she has been in our home and a part of our lives. But, if you want to know the truth, our story started long before then.
March 12, 2016 – 823 days before we met our girl – we lost our second son to miscarriage. It was the most…
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OPEN.
Open. This word means so much more to me today than what those four seemingly insignificant letters might suggest. As of now, we are officially open and accepting foster children. But, it’s so much more than that....
Open. This word means so much more to me today than what those four seemingly insignificant letters might suggest. As of now, we are officially open and accepting foster children.
But, it’s so much more than that.
Our home is now open for broken children and families to find grace and work towards reunification. Our lives are now open for a litany of strangers to scrutinize the way we operate. Ou…
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Word of God, Speak.
Have you ever had something you felt you knew you needed to pray about, but couldn't quite find the words to say? That's where I am this week too.
There has been a topic of conversation in our household that has been the source of much contention for about six months. Which is really weird for us because Dakota and I are usually in sync with just about every decision we make, but not this time. This time, however, we are split 50/50, with neither one budging. It’s not out of stubbornness either; we both have valid points. We know this. We…
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Day One.
We have some big, exciting news we would like to share with everyone: our family is going to be growing soon! No, we are not pregnant. Not exactly. We are, however, growing by a baby, or two, or fifty. Dakota and I have chosen – or more decided to listen to God – to begin the journey to become foster parents. I have started this blog to document our journey through foster parenting and through…
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Anyone who knows me knows I don’t like to feel left out- my love for Harry Potter may or may not have stemmed from being left out when two of my friends went to see the Goblet of Fire without me (because I’d never seen/read them) and I was determined that wouldn’t happen again…but I digress. One of the things I still feel like I missed out on was the opportunity to have a sibling bond; for the majority of my early life I was an only child. Since that wasn’t something I could change or control, I made a decision early on that my child would never feel that absence of a bond. To keep that from happening, I wanted at least two children. Let me just say, I am so so so so glad I did!!
I thought I knew what love looked like when I stared into D’s eyes on our wedding day. Then, I thought I knew what love really was when I watched as our Little Man wrapped his daddy around this tiny little finger. But, y’all! There is a love I have experienced over the last four and a half months that I never knew existed!
As I watch the tender way my oldest son gazes at his baby brother, my heart sings. As I watch the awed amazement my youngest son has as he studies his big brother, my soul warms. I tell ya, there is no love more innocent and pure than the one I am privileged to witness between my two boys.
From the moment I knew I was pregnant with him, I prayed for my Little Man. I prayed he would have a kind heart (and he does!). I prayed he would seek God and good. I prayed he would be smart and healthy and strong. So far, God has answered these prayers (see These Three Things). While I still pray for these things, as he became a big brother, my prayers for him have evolved. I now pray for him to be a good, positive, and strong role model for his brother. I pray for him to make wise and Godly choices. I pray that he will pave a path of honesty, loyalty, and fortitude for his brother to follow. He was born a leader, a boss, a champion and I pray that he will fill those roles humbly and with grace.
From the moment I knew I was pregnant with him, I prayed for my Itty One. I prayed he would have a kind heart. I prayed he would seek God and good. I prayed he would be smart and healthy and strong. So far, God has answered these prayers. For him, I have also prayed that he would be independent and loyal. I have prayed that he would be sensitive and firm. I have prayed that his heart would not be swayed by the ways of the world, and that, shall his brother stumble or fall he help him up. He was born a rainbow, a blessing, and a brother and I pray that he will develop as his own person aside from these roles.
Watching the love between my two sons has shown me a love I never knew existed. Watching them admire one another gives me all the warm tingly feelings. Watching Little Man protect the Itty One and watching the Itty One smile or giggle just because Little Man walked into the room makes me all the more proud to be their mother. I just pray that that love never falters or ceases. I pray that as the world hardens their innocence, their bond will remain soft and tender. I pray that they will always follow the path that God lays out for them and I hope that He prepares them for everything that lays ahead. I pray for my sons as individuals and as brothers because their love is something magical.
Oh Brother, My Brother Anyone who knows me knows I don’t like to feel left out- my love for Harry Potter may or may not have stemmed from being left out when two of my friends went to see the Goblet of Fire without me (because I’d never seen/read them) and I was determined that wouldn’t happen again…but I digress.
Three. I don’t like the number three right now. I’m sure it’s a really lovely number. I mean, there’s no shortage of evidence that three is a great number for a group of people. There’s the Three Musketeers, the Three Stooges, and Three’s Company. There are great trios such as the Powder Puff Girls; Destiny’s Child; and Charlie’s Angels. There’s Harry, Ron, and Hermione; Cory, Shawn, and Topanga; and Nemo, Marlin, and Dory. The Olympics award athletes based on a gold, silver, bronze system. It’s even biblical with God the Father, Christ the Son, and the Holy Spirit. So, there must be something special about it, but I am not happy with this number today. My baby boy is turning three!
I know what you’re thinking: “Really Kortney?! Three?! It’s not like he’s twenty! It’s not like he’s getting married and moving away!”
I know! But, there is something about this age that is really getting to me! I don’t know if it’s everything we’ve been through in the last year or how much I’ve watched him change, but three seems SO big to me right now and I keep finding myself very emotional about this birthday. Though I could never list everything my son has taught me or everything I love about him, the more I think about his birthday and him growing up, I want to share three things that are at the top of the list.
His Heart
From an early, early age, Lincoln loved to love.
He spent the first couple of days of his life in the NICU and there was another little boy who was born within minutes of him who lived in the next bed. Any time this little boy would cry, Lincoln would cry; as soon as the other boy stopped, Lincoln stopped. The nurses said he was a “sympathy crier.” You could tell by his cries that he wasn’t hurt or in any distress of his own, but he didn’t like when the other baby cried. I kind of laughed it off as, yeah, buddy, I don’t like when other babies cry either. As we got to know him, however, we learned that it wasn’t just because a baby was crying, but because someone was hurting.
I will never forget, Lincoln was almost two when our best friends’ little boy was born. We were over at their house visiting and it was time for his bath and diaper change, both of which he hated. As they tried to quickly get it over with, Lincoln was in there talking to him and trying to console him, but he wasn’t having it and started squalling. Lincoln’s face was mortified and tears started running down his face, “MY CARTER’S CRYING!” It broke his heart to see someone he loved be in pain.
Another time, I was sitting on my bed, beside myself in grief over my miscarriage. Lincoln was barely two. He climbed up in our bed, crawled into my lap, snuggled into my chest, and said, “Mommy, why you crying?” “Mommy’s just sad,” I told him. “It be okay mommy,” he said and reached up to pat me on the shoulder. He then kissed my head and scurried away.
These are just three sweet memories I will always treasure, but there are dozens more just like them.
His Soul
Along with his compassion towards others, I marvel at Lincoln’s passion for God and being good. Now, my child is in no way perfect. We have definitely had our share of “terrible two’s” and we are already exhibiting signs of a “threenager.” Overall, though, he tries to be a great kid and good person. Which, if we’re being honest, is more than I can say for myself some days.
Church. My little boy LOVES going to church. He loves to sing songs at church. He loves to talk about church. He loves to eat snacks at church. He loves to go to church. More times than not, when I haven’t wanted to go for whatever reason, I’ve only made it to church on Sunday morning because who can resist a cute little voice asking, “You wanna go to church wiff me??” After church each week, we ask him what he learned about. The conversation usually goes as follows: Me/D: What did you learn about in church today? L: Stories! Me/D: What kind of stories?/Who were the stories about? L: Jesus! Me/D: What about Jesus? L: *proceeds to tell us about it… Though sometimes it doesn’t make a ton of since…apparently there was a dude named Brian in the Bible and he was mean and Jesus told him to go away.* Don’t be fooled though, sometimes when we ask what he learned about, his answer is “Snacks!” and that’s all we get out of him that day.
Another thing Lincoln loves to do is pray. He likes to pray over all our meals, “Thank you, Jesus, for our food. I need some more food. I love you. Amen.” He likes to pray at bed, “Thank you, Jesus, for letting us have a good day. Help us to sleep good. Help us to have sweet dreams. Keep us safe while we sleep. And, help us to wake up and have a good day tomorrow. I love you. Amen.” I’ve seen grown men tear up at my little guy’s prayers, and momma is right there with them. These are his usual prayers; the ones he says every day with little variation. But, occasionally, he’ll spice it up and throw something else in there. One day, we were eating at Catfish Hole with my mom and little brother. He had already prayed his food prayer and we had all started eating. All of a sudden he gasped, dropped his food, grabbed my mom and D’s hands, and said, “We need to pray!” So, we all stopped eating, joined hands, and bowed our hands once again. “Dear Jesus,” he said. “Thank you for my food. I need some ranch and some more hushpuppies. I love you. Amen.” We all died laughing. Not long after that, the waitress brought him ranch and more hushpuppies and you would’ve thought he’d witnessed a miracle. I learned a lesson from my child that day: pray for the little things, too.
His Brain
I know a lot of mom’s think their little Johnny or Suzy is the next winner on Jeopardy. I’m not trying to be that mom. But, I’ve had countless people- his doctor, Sunday school teacher, sitters, even random strangers- comment on how smart he is for his age. Being our first, I’m not sure where the bar is, so I don’t know if that’s really the case. All I can say is that, to me, he seems smarter than his age. By two and a half he knew all of his colors, could count to twenty, knew the words to tons of songs (a lot of old school country, thanks to his Sissy), and had a grasp of time (ex. he knew what it meant when we told him “five more minutes” and had a good since of when that amount of time had passed). He’s been speaking in full sentences and saying some of the most grown up/well thought out things for quite some time now, too.
I also marvel at his ability to solve problems. A phrase my students have often heard from me is: “My child has better problem solving skills than you!” While it is said in exasperation because junior high kids are lazy- not incapable, but lazy- it is, sadly, occasionally true. Not because they are unintelligent, but because he gets so determined to figure things out, it fascinates me! While he has his whiny toddler days where he wants you to do everything for him, he also- more often- prefers to do things on his own. Whether it’s creating a plan to get his way (this kid is going to be a lawyer one day, y’all) or figuring out how to get a toy to function the way he wants it to, I love to sit and watch the wheels work in is head as he works out the kinks to something.
And the memory on this kid is something else!! You know how with most kids you can tell them something to kind of blow them off, thinking they’ll forget about it in five minutes (don’t look at me like that, you do it too!)? Not my child!! He will remember something you told him forever, and remind you of it! For example, at the end of last summer, he kept asking to go back to the water park. I thought of a genius excuse! I told him, “Sorry buddy, we can’t go back to the water park, it’s closed because it’s too cold.” True enough, right? But, then I added, “We can’t go back to the water park until the snow cones come back.” See, we had previously had a discussion about not being able to get snow cones anymore that year because they were closed and now it was time for milkshakes instead. Do you know when snow cone stands open around here? March. Do you know when the water park opens? The end of May. Do you know who STILL remember this conversation from last September? You guessed it, my child. When I realized my mistake- by him pointing it out to me- I did the grown up thing and admitted I had misspoken and apologized. Did he care? No! Every time we drive past the water park, he reminds me that I lied to him. Also, now we can’t eat milkshakes in the spring and summer because that’s snow cone season. I have been outsmarted by a toddler.
Over the last three years, Lincoln has taught me more than any other person or thing has ever done. He has taught me to love fiercely, to pray diligently, and to think critically. He has taught me that the little things are the big things and that all too soon this will all just be a memory; just like all the stories I just shared with you. As emotional as I am sitting here and typing this, I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like as he continues to grow and amaze me. For now, all I can say is: look out world, there’s a very special three year old coming for you!
These Three Things Three. I don’t like the number three right now. I’m sure it’s a really lovely number. I mean, there’s no shortage of evidence that three is a great number for a group of people.
A year ago today was the worst day of my life: I lost our second child. I've debated what I would post today, if anything at all, but I made a promise to my Angel that I would never forget him. So, here it is: Over the last year, I have had to deal with an unimaginable loss and pain and emptiness. But, somewhere amidst all of that, I also found peace and grace and hope. God used this year, this loss for His good. Throughout this year, I turned to Him and He held me close. The morning after we had been told we were having a miscarriage, the words of Crowder's "I am" played over and over in my head ["I am holding onto you. In the middle of the storm, I am holding on."]; I still marvel at the peace this brought me. Then, a few weeks later, Hillary Scott's "Thy Will" was released. These two songs became my anthem and battle cry as I was trying to cope, as I was trying to survive. Then June came. On June 22, 2016, we found out we were pregnant, again. The excitement and fear flooded every thought and every emotion for quite some time. I was terrified of losing this baby too. I was scared to let myself get excited again. I was afraid if I began to welcome this baby, I'd forget the one I lost. Enter Bethel Music's "No Longer Slaves" ["I'm no longer a slave to fear; I am a child of God."]. I added this one to my playlist as well. Somehow- with a lot of prayer, a lot of tears, and a lot of support- I survived the last year. Even better: 18 days ago, we met our Rainbow Baby. Our family, and my heart, will always have a piece missing. I will continue to pray for all 3 of my children. I will carry Jude in my heart, until one day I can hold him in my arms. God has held me through this storm, His will was done, and I'm no longer a slave to fear. #samuelwayne #boymom #miscarriage #jude #loss #healing #rainbowbaby