Quiet For Too Long

Sofia. “I found peace in your violence... I’ve been quiet for too long.” -Silence “We accept the love we think we deserve.” -Perks

[sofilovesu]

Monday as a recharge day. Monday is a day of silence. No one else exists except those that are in a fantasy world and that live only feet away. But every other day it a call after work and it’s a phone call from work to home. But Monday doesn’t exist, does it not count? Idk. When is my day to recharge or just disappear. Well I guess I don’t really have one… I just don’t know. Mondays are a day of silence will they always be this quiet and lonely? When you call on Mondays the phone will just ring or it will be just a tone. Nothing happens on Mondays yet Monday is just another day.

[sofilovesu]

Last weekend I got to see my favorite song of all time performed live. Seeing it live brought tears to my eyes because I was in awe. I was in awe of not only hearing the song live but also in awe that when I found this song my life was so different than it was in that exact moment I was listening to the song live. I remember sitting in my old car and just crying and crying and crying to this song, I would replay the song and just cry. I cried because at some point I had ruined things with someone who was my best friend at the time, and I couldn’t understand why he didn’t feel the same way about me that I felt about him. At times when I played this song I felt relief, I felt heard and understood. Other times it was hate for that someone. It was hate for having lost them, it was hate for myself for having messed things up. But I did some growing up and I was lucky enough to gain this friendship back! And this song no longer made me feel sad, but hopefully that one day I would find someone who would make this song mean the world to me. Well that someone was my same best friend. He means so much to me. He means the world to me and he’s someone who i love more than I can express in words! At some point I cried listening to that song thinking of how he wasn’t by my side because I ruined things and he didn’t feel what I felt for him, and now, he’s by my side and he feels what I feel for him. My favorite lyric of the song is “ And when the seasons change, will you stand by me.” For so long I wanted to find someone who would stand by me when the seasons of life, love and nature would change, and I found that someone standing right in front of me.

[sofilovesu]

Sometimes I can get through it. Other days I think that I’m not enough for you. Maybe it’s my own fault I’m doing it to myself. Am I just not worth fully committing to? Do I even want it all? I don’t know

[emotionalwords]

[emotionalwords]

[emotionalwords]

[hillergoodspeed]

[thepersonalquotes]

[thepersonalquotes]

[anxietyproblem]

[emotionalwords]

[emotionalwords]

[emotionalwords]

[sofilovesu]

I literally hate people. I hate them.

[sofilovesu]

Theres a lot of them but none of them want me or like me for anything more than a quick fuck…

[sofilovesu]

When someone says to you that they’re leaving you because they don’t want to hurt you, believe them…

[sofilovesu]

Now it’s time to choose myself. Something I’ve never in my life have ever done. But it’s time. It’s time to move on, it’s time to love myself, fuck it’s time to heal and stop running. My heart can’t bare it anymore, so I’ll choose myself. I’ll close the door behind me and open a new one. I’ve hurt myself for far too long right? Sometimes I worry it won’t last, that I won’t be able to continue to choose myself, that I’m addicted to hurting myself in the way I have been. But idk. I’m tired. I want to be alone. I want to just disappear. I want to just heal and fight for myself. I’ll just hope the rest will fall into place. That’s all I have left to do. Just hope I can heal and move on and forgive myself as I’ve forgiven everyone else. It’s my turn now. It’s what I deserve, to give myself a chance.