silent fragments @softandunsteady - Tumblr Blog

what i have learned from angry fathers and bad birthdays is that happiness grows wild. even when we sow it deep, even when we beg the soil to give us just one little sprout so we can dig in our toes and feel clean - happiness doesn’t bloom where we want it to. sometimes it starts in the wrong boy’s teeth or on a pretty girl’s lips (father forgive me) or when you’re writing something racy you don’t want your mama to see. the funny thing about happiness is that the only place you can plant it proper is in your neighbor’s yard. when you try and bake it into your own cakes, into what your parents want for you, into the perfect person everybody expects you to be - it don’t grow good. but when you tuck it into your smile, when you hand it out in little things that you can manage; carving slices from your own bones; it leaps out into this world. and it grows. there are people who don’t like it when others get something good. they look over at you and try to pull your garden out, even though it barely growing. and that’s just fine, the happy will die in their hands before they can replant it, so all they got is a little dirt patch of other people’s wiltings. what i learned from the people who hurt me is that love isn’t about what you want for yourself. love is about everybody else on this tiny planet doing cartwheels around the sun-who-loves-us-too. the truth is, happy is a magic thing even despite that willful nature. because when you give it out, when you turn your blood into a little water: you watch it grow in other people. sprout right there between the two of you; turning puddles into rainbow mirrors, turns birds into freedom, turns her garden green. and something i learned from myself, from this mean old head that tries to get me to really do something bad and make myself for-real the soil: if you keep this up. if you just keep it up no matter how tired you get or how often your hands hurt from it or how much your mind is saying “you’re a worthless burden and leaving here is the best thing you do,” one day you look out and you see: the little card she left you to thank you, the way he remembered how you like your coffee, this here little post you left me because all i did was say that life is worth living even with all the bad things. and maybe they’re not the big rose bushes or the frilly trees or whatever everybody else pretend they got in their garden. but they are strong, although they are small, because they are real. and maybe the whole thing is wild and raw and dizzy to look at, maybe there’s still bald patches, maybe you worry you’ll kill it all, but it’s yours. and in every flower there’s a moment you didn’t notice being so nice to look at it’s like looking into the sun-who-is-love. one day you look out onto this eden, where if you close your eyes you hear the wind whispering, “i’m here for you.” and you realize it’s okay. you’re gonna be okay. because maybe only a little bit of that happiness was planted by you, but so much of it is beautiful because it’s not, because it’s just the small seeds people can afford to scrape out of their own blank back yards and give to you for no other reason than because you were raised by your mama to be kind. big bad men and lots of bruises later i learned something important: a lot of people got bare gardens that choke them for all that dirt. and i don’t got a lot. but when you’ve lived with nothing, seeing that little seed sprout up warm strong leaves: it’s worth whatever i got to give you to help it live. to try and give you happy.

r.i.d // buy my book phobic / Compass (via inkskinned)

FEBRUARY 3, 2020.

Birthday Celebration

#photos

October 23, 24, 25, 2019.

ANGEL MAKING IN ROOM 403.

#photos

October 16, 2019

SOCIAL EXPERIMENT

#photos

September 11, 2019.

The 1975 in Manila

#photos

June 7, 8, 9, 2019.

San Juan, La Union

#photos

warmth & art

#writing #cb

THE ANGEL IN 403

#writing #cb

october 10, 2019.

i used to be bombarded with love poems and sour tapes by my ex boyfriend of 3 years. he gave me everything that i wanted - every little thing that i never asked for, but i deeply wanted. he made sure i was never sad or jealous or insecure. every action he made, he always thought of me and what i would feel. the relationship of ours was never perfect but it was too good to be true - like a fucking fairy tale. i can say that things ended well after 3 years; and i can just say that it was all lovely and fun while it lasted. those stuff are no longer missed and wanted; now it's just like a movie to be played on repeat to remind me that i was once treated like a queen. too good to be true. too good to be true. it felt nice while it lasted. it's long gone now.

now i need something that's real - just plain true and simple - not too good, not too bad. i need huge slopes of downs followed by constant loops of ups. i need chaos and storms followed by rainbows and sunshines. and i think i found it. i found what's genuine and full of lessons. i found you. you're the realest thing that has happened to me even after all of those pain and breakdowns. there is growth with you. there is bliss with you. there is a future to build with you, my love. you are my reality.

and we all know that reality is better than fantasy.

i'm so glad i'm stuck with you.

#writing #md

note to self

Purity doesn’t always mean being fully clothed. It doesn’t mean always staying at home and never partying out with your friends.

You can be pure even when you have tattoos all over your body. You can be pure even when you wear revealing clothes. You can be pure even when you drink alcohol and enjoy the company of your friends.

Being pure, I believe, is when you are honest with yourself without stepping on anyone else.

Purity is knowing kindness and at the same time fighting for what you believe is right; purity doesn’t mean staying silent.

Purity is knowing that your intentions are clean – that they’re not meant to bring others down.

Purity is respecting everyone’s opinions and beliefs UNLESS they are oppressive, unless they demean human rights, and perpetuate violence.

You are pure when you empower the people around you, when you spread kindness, when you raise awareness.

You are pure if you have a strong, clean heart. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise just because you have your own way of enjoying your life.

#writing

You're my home

And lately, I'm always lost outdoors

You're my poison

And I want to die, remember?

I still call you "my love" in my head. I still think about you every morning when I wake up, wanting to greet you with our usual "good morning, babe!! 😘"'s. I still hug my pillow at night - imagining it's you that I'm holding. I still dodge at every other guy who tries to hit on me because (I've said this before and I'm going to say it again) the only attention and affection that my soul longs for is from you; otherwise my system would deny them.

I know you worry about other men. There's nothing to worry about. They're not you. They're not the kind of person who I'd allow to enter my room. They're not the kind of person who I'd tell all of my rants and frustrations to. I wouldn't bother telling them how my day went. I wouldn't bother asking them if they've already eaten, or what they ate, or where they are, or who they're with. They're not the kind of person who I'd want to kiss for hours. I can't stomach the thought of having to watch Netflix with someone else. I can't have someone else come over at the apartment and lie down on my couch - it makes me sick just by thinking about it. There's only one person who my entire being is comfortable around with, and who my atoms - every bit of them - want to be surrounded with. There's only one you. There's only one person that I love.

You're my home

And lately, I'm always lost outdoors

You're my poison

And I want to die, remember?

I know that I still want to be with you, but I'm also aware that I need some time and space from you. It may take a long time to heal, but I hope it doesn't take too long. I hope we don't grow apart. I just hope; but you can expect me to fully accept if things didn't work out.

#md #writing

#md #m.#writing

4 / 17 / 19

pardon me for my anxiety; the way i am paranoid of having to share you with someone else, it makes me fucking cranky.

love, i want you all to me. i know it sounds selfish, but i intend to be selfish when it comes to your anatomy. every fiber of your being, even the parts of you that i dislike, i want them all mine. jealousy is my biggest insecurity, but hear me out in the next lines.

for more than a year now, we've had our fair share of laughs and heartaches. so allow me to tell you how much of a jealous wreck i am; no matter how embarrassing it takes.

you know how sometimes i become cranky around you all of a sudden? most of the time, that's just because i saw something that made me jealous; probably a picture of a girl you just "loved", someone's photo being commented by you, calling someone else attractive, and the list goes on. i couldn't tell you that because i'm always too shy to admit how jealous i feel, but now hear me out, love.

i tend to discredit all of the love that you give me whenever i'm having one of my attacks but do know, love, that every second, no matter how angry, annoyed, or pissed i am of you, i still love you so much and i still want you all mine.

i love those dimples, those fine lines in between your chest and your shoulders, those crooked teeth that makes you look even cuter. i love your soft skin and how funny i think it is that you're so conscious of your scars (they never disgusted me anyway). i love your hands and the way they trace my waist down to my ass. i love your neck and how they bend when i try to tickle you. i love your neck, again, especially when it's filled with my love marks. i love your chest; and lying down on it after we made love to hear how fast your heartbeat is. i love your arms and how they tuck me in at night. i love your lips and how soft they feel against mine. i love your legs wrapped around mine. i love your voice when you call me "love" and when you tell me you love me. i love your annoying laugh whenever you bug me. i love your eyes and how they shine when you talk about what you like. i love your eyes even when there are tears inside. i love your hugs when i'm happy. i love your tight embrace when i'm unhappy. i love you. i love all of you, that's why i want all of you mine. i hate sharing. i hate hiding. let it be known. you're mine.

#writing #M.#md

April 20, 2019.

Because the plan of breaking up with you was already planted in my head, I didn't prepare the bed that we usually lie on. I planned for us to sit on the couch and have a movie marathon. While watching, I thought that it was the perfect time for me to build up the courage to actually talk to you. I told myself that maybe after watching I can finally talk to you, to stop everything that's going on between us.

You came over at 12:48PM. As usual, I opened the door for you, and you bid my family hello. After that, we went upstairs to go to my room. You then gave me a pasalubong (souvenir) from Sagada - two cacti. They were for me to grow and take care of. You don't usually buy me anything or give me gifts so I asked you why, why did you think of getting me those plants. You said that you read what I had written about wanting to receive something that lasts or that I can grow with.. and so you thought of giving me those two cacti. It was the first time that you actually gave me something (materially speaking) thoughtful and sweet.

We decided to watch Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales on Netflix while we were on the couch. We sat there for minutes and actually paid attention to what was going on with the movie. After a while, I slouched on you and you held me close. Your arms were wrapped around me as I lied down on you. It’s cute how it’s still impossible to keep our hands off each other after almost two years of being together.

I stretched my left arm and reached for the back of your head. Running my fingers around your nape probably touched a nerve because then we made love.

The sofa bed, that wasn’t supposed to be unfolded, was unfolded. Your hands were gliding heavily all over my body as I was on top of you. Our clothes were disposed beside the bed and we kissed and we kissed and we kissed as I moved up and down on you. Heat. Sweat. Love. Passion. You then let me lie down and make me feel good. You, inside me, feel so good. More heat. More passion. Fuck. I love the fire we both create for the two of us – to keep us warm, never let our hearts get cold.

After that, we had the pasta. You bought a bottle of Pepsi to quench our thirst from making love. We had a handful of movies that we switched or changed because we couldn’t really decide what to watch. Eventually, you played the series You since you were unable to finish that show. And so you went on and watched one episode with me.

As you were watching, I told you to put it on pause when the clock strikes 5. You were clueless as to why I asked you such, but you just agreed anyway. Finally at 5 o’clock, you paused You. You asked me what it was that I was going to do. I looked at you, touched your face, and began to tell you that I wanted to break up. We talked a lot about our feelings that hour. I kept telling you how much you’ve stressed me out, how much you affected my mental health. But you never quit. You kept fighting for me, promising me everything will get better. We both shed a lot of tears. We shared silence in between. You told me how much you love me. And because you had to go to a dinner with your family, we ended the day with a hug and a kiss. “I love you so much.” You still did not agree on breaking up with me. You’re a stubborn little creature. You give me millions and millions of headaches and heartaches, but I know that you also have millions and millions of love to give to me. So I guess I’ll stick with you then. I guess that hard fucking times really prove how strong our love for each other is. I just really, badly want to feel loved and cherished greatly. I want to not worry about anything anymore because it destroys me entirely.

Despite everything that’s on my mind, despite everything that’s been going on, I loved that day because we were both vulnerable and genuinely full of love. Despite all, and through it all, I believe you and your love for me.

#writing #M.#md

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