ddolbyeong homotron300

[soheecheeseburger]

i fear premature death (but god you look good smoking cigarettes) | j.sc

a/n: i know nothing about smoking but this is based off that one dellaxoz song so...

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Sungchan takes the final drag of his cigarette before flicking it lazily onto the ground, squashing the stub under his worn out shoes. You stand awkwardly next to him, still not used to the musky and biting smell of tobacco even after a full year of dating him. You try not to scrunch your nose as you think about how the smell of smoke would cling to your clothes. But you don’t say anything. 

Sohee notices these little things. 

He notices that you’re not a smoker but you still carry a zippo lighter in your pocket just for Sungchan. You had tried to get him to quit in the past, but Sungchan was always stubborn. So you would just be neutral about it. Not scolding him but not joining him either. 

Your eyes looked blank these days. You laughed but Sohee could sense how hollow you sounded. It reminded him a bit of himself. You’d started to smoke these days and he wonders if Sungchan were to blame. 

Sohee noticed you step outside, holding a pack of Marlboros in one hand and the familiar zippo in the other. He watches through his window as you sit down on the patio steps, hugging your knees, taking shallow puffs as you stare into the sky and observe the stars, or at least whatever you can make of them through the light pollution. 

He wonders if you were cold. You were, but you liked the way the cold air nipped at your skin. 

You hear the door slide behind you and turn around to see Sohee, a messy head of hair, his green hoodie, and grey sweatpants. He was holding one of his zip up jackets. “Hi,” you say softly as he sits down next to you. You’re quick to put out your cigarette in the ashtray. You never smoked around other people before—not even Sungchan. He offers you the jacket and you accept it. When you put it on, you notice how it smells just like him, a distinct fabric softener scent. 

“Couldn’t sleep either?” you ask. He nods. “Is Sungchan asleep?” “Yeah,” you sigh.

“Why the sigh?” Sohee swallows. “I don’t know,” you say, wringing your hands. “Just overthinking,” you say dismissively, shaking your head with a small smile. Sohee sees right through you, but he doesn’t push any further. A silence falls.

“Since when were you a smoker?”

“Oh, uh” you just scratch the back of your neck. “Sorry” 

“Nah you’re good, it’s just… not like you” 

“Like me?” you ask, tilting your head. “You didn’t like it when Sungchan-hyung would smoke, no?”

You chuckle softly, “Man, was it that obvious?”

“Yeah…” he says. “Sungchan-hyung is just dense.”

“You’re kind of not wrong,” you say. 

Another blanket of silence falls.

You exhale, the warmth of your breath fogging up the cold air. 

“Let’s get out of here,” you say, turning to meet his shiny eyes. Those orbs looked like they held the world. 

The two of you get up and make your way over to your car, pulling out of the driveway. If Sohee is skeptical of where you’re taking him in the dead of night, he doesn’t let it show. He wonders what could possibly be open at this hour. But regardless, you start driving down familiar roads, and Sohee doesn’t ask. It reminded him a bit of old times, when you first got your driver's license at 17 and you two would sneak out in your mom’s busted Corolla for night drives. Before you guys grew up, before he introduced you to Sungchan, before all of that. 

“I hope you’re hungry,” you say, as you turn into the plaza of your favorite 3 AM taco spot. He smiles to himself. Of course. The two of you demolish 5 carne asada tacos each, sitting in the back of your trunk in the empty, quiet parking lot, save for the occasional car passing by. 

“Too full... I think I might throw up,” you tell Sohee. “Oh god, please aim away from me,” he says, grimacing through his amusement at how dramatic you were. You poke his sides at this. 

“It’s so nice here. I almost don’t want to go back,” you say–in more ways than one. “Then don’t,” Sohee says, staring at his shoes. 

Sungchan smells an unusually strong smell of cigarettes on your clothes. “I started smoking,” you say. You feel ashamed. He didn’t believe you. So you showed him the convenience store receipts and the pack of Ice Jacks in your pocket. “Why? Is it because of me?” he asks.” “I don’t know”, you say looking at your shoes. You mumble something under your breath that he couldn’t catch. “You were never like this before. Did something happen?” You keep looking at your shoes, shaking your head. Sungchan turns you toward him so you would meet his gaze. You were crying. You bring your hand up to swipe the tears away and Sungchan can’t be mad anymore. Not when you were like this. Your eyes shined with tears but there was something duller than usual. He wipes the tears that continue to fall with his thumb and pulls you into a hug. You start sobbing into him. Guilt starts creeping up on him. He doesn’t show it though. 

At home, Sungchan stands in front of you as you sit on the edge of his bed. “Why don’t you ever tell me these things?” he asks. “You never ask,” you say, sniffling. “Don’t put the blame on me. You-” he says with some frustration. 

“I won’t know if you don’t tell me. You can’t expect me to guess,” he explains softer. “I know, I’m sorry” you say, fidgeting uncomfortably. He notices your discomfort and sighs. He comes closer and hugs you. “I’m not scolding you. You’re not in trouble,” You bury yourself into the front of his hoodie and Sungchan’s heart softens. He strokes your hair and the back of your head, gently carding his fingers through. “It’s okay, you’re okay. I’m sorry for not doing this sooner,” he whispers. 

Sohee can hear the conversation from his room, the voices muffled yet just clear enough to make out words with his ear pressed against the wall. He sighs. 

Sungchan sits on the edge of the bed with his hands clasped together as you shower. He feels guilty. He knows that you haven’t been well but he has turned a blind eye to. He didn’t do it on purpose but he didn’t seem to want to face the situation head on. He was so busy with work and school that he didn't have time to pour energy into anything else. He was too farsighted and couldn’t even realize you were next to him hurting. You fed him, took care of him when he was sick, loved him when nobody else did, and all you got in return was second hand smoke. 

“I’ll quit,” he says. You shake your head. “I’m being serious,” as you pull away to search his facial features for any semblance of a false promise. “If you stop, I'll stop,” he says. He pulls a half empty pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and snaps each one in half, discarding the crushed tobacco into the trash can. A tear falls from your eyes and you wipe it off with your sleeve.

“Hey, look at me,” he says softly. “It’s okay. We’ll be okay” he reassures. 

[soheecheeseburger]

heaven | l.sh

a/n: this is a unpolished draft i've had in my docs but i figured that it's better to push it out somewhere instead of letting it rot. it's roughly inspired by the book heaven by mieko kawakami and all about lily chou chou. this is my first time doing this so please look upon me kindly ily and happy reading~ also peep the ethel cain reference hehe

tw: sh, violence, bullying

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To Sohee, you were a familiar face, an everyday occurrence. Did he know you personally? No. But after years of being in the same classes and walking the same halls of this shabby rundown highschool, Sohee thought it was safe to say that he knew enough about you to know that you were nothing short of you good. Just good. Sohee had a habit of observing the way you interacted with your classmates. He saw the way you slide your notes closer over to Sion when you notice your seatmate glancing over your shoulder a little too often, effortlessly attentive and quick on picking up on the fact that his eyesight was too terrible to read off the board. Sohee saw the way you snuck off during night study to feed the stray cat that would linger behind campus near the dumpster, the way you endearingly named him Fish and would scold the cat when he got a bit too close to eating the discarded cigarette butts littered in the dirt. 

You two were always the last ones in the library. 

You tutored his friend Eunseok for English so Sohee would always hear good things about how smart and nice you were. But one weekend he saw you vaping next to the corner store in a huddle with a few other kids. He watched from afar, caught off guard. You looked aloof and indifferent, a complete 180 from the version of you at school that Sohee knew. The two of you make eye contact from across the street and he notices you flinch a bit. He averts his eyes and starts to walk away, trying to play it off. Sohee  feels his ears start to burn, turning red in embarrassment. 

After that day, Sohee decided to look the other way, to act as if he never saw anything. You still acted as usual at school, the only difference was that you glanced in his direction a few times, worried that he might tell someone.

For the past weeks, the air hung awkward as you were the last two walking out of the library right before closing. These days you walk away faster than before. Sohee feels a type of way to think that he was constantly making you uncomfortable. A pang of guilt of sorts(?) He was never one to understand his emotions. 

You didn’t come to school. On his way home, Sohee saw a figure slumped over in the alley way surrounded by some delinquent students. He recognized the backpack they were kicking. It was yours.

You were slumped against that brick wall in the alley, motionless as your eyes glazed over with tears, Junseo slapping your cheek lightly tauntingly. Sohee freezes. It’s a route that he can’t avoid. His eyes catch your glassy emotionless ones. Junseo follows your gaze and notices Sohee is wearing the same uniform as you are. “Hey, kid. C’mere,” he shouts. Sohee turns away, trying to act like nothing happened, but one of Junseo’s goonies grabs him by the collar. “Kid, do you know her?” Junseo asks. A strangled noise escapes your lips as you tug on the cuff of Junseo’s uniform shirt. “I don’t know him,” you lie. Junseo scoffs “Bitch, I'm not asking you” Sohee is terrified. “Hyung, careful, he’s about to pee his pants,” someone jeers. “Let him go,” you plead. Sohee wishes you’d just shut up. With every word, he feels guilt creeping up his spine, guilt at how looked the other way just moments ago and now here you were shielding him. “Ah, I see what this is. He’s your boyfriend, huh?” 

“Did you show him these yet?” Junseo yanks your sleeves up revealing the fine little cuts that littered the inside of your forearms. You cringe at the way Sohee cowers and looks away. “If you take pictures of the freak and send them to your classmates, we’ll let you go untouched.” Sohee has no choice. At least that’s what he tells himself. You look at him with pity tears leaking out of your eyes as his phone camera flashes, his hands shaking. He hits send. “Good boy,” Junseo pats his head, cooing and scratching Sohee’s chin like he’s some kind of dog. 

He knows it’s selfish, but he hopes you understand. He had no choice, he tells himself. A week later you’re back to school as if nothing happened at all. You ignore him, not even glancing his way. People whisper and you just tune them out. You cry behind the campus dumpster, Fish peering at you curiously. Sohee checks on you through the window and he feels like shit. You were clutching your vape, knuckles white with the force of your grip. He watches as you toss your backpack over the fence and hopped it. He feels compelled to chase you down, apologize, do something to relieve himself of this guilt eating him from inside out. 

He tells Anton that he’s going to the restroom and grabs his backpack, rushing out of the classroom. “Why are you taking your backpack?” Anton asks but Sohee is already out the door.

Sohee runs after you and shouts out. You put your earbuds in and pretend you didn’t hear anything. He tries to stop you but you just keep your expression as stoic as possible. Your eyes were glossed over with tears. Looking at you, he swears he’s never seen brown eyes look so blue.  “I’m so sorry,” he says. “I had no choice. I just-” he rushes his words out. 

You cut him off. “I know. I can see it in your face so stop following me,” you say as you keep walking. He keeps following you. “Sohee, stop.” It never occurred to him that you knew his name. You guys had never actually formally met, not until that day. He stops in his tracks and so do you. A moment of quiet falls and the only sound heard is the rustle of leaves in the breeze. He doesn’t know what to do, he can’t just leave you. What if you did something stupid, irrational, something dangerous? 

“No,” he says firmly, surprising himself. He was a coward his entire life, but in this moment something felt different. You just ignored him and kept walking, and he trailed behind you. 

You stopped by the convenience store and bought bandages and an ice cream with your spare change, and split the half melted ice pop with him. Then you went to the park and sat in the grass silently. Sohee doesn’t say anything about how awkward it was since you seemed to be ignoring him just fine. You lay down and use your backpack as a pillow, closing your eyes for a brief moment. He picks at the foliage, yanking at grass and uprooting clovers. Noticing the way you squint, Sohee moves his hand so that the shadow covers your face from the sun. 

“You can follow me around for however long you want but it doesn’t change anything. I never expected you to save me," you said. 

“You’re not mad?” Sohee asks. 

“Of course I’m mad. But I’m not gonna take it out on you,” you say, sitting up. “I’m not like him,” you said bitterly. 

Sohee feels even worse now. He doesn’t know how to absolve himself if all you do is this.