Jesus my King, Heaven my Home

Life: filled with beauty and sorrow. Bittersweet.

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DOAC CV medium

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Enneagram

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Do it, notice it, adjust it-that’s learning.

Don't rehearse it endlessly in your head

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Threads

Values>Fear>Self-protection>Defensiveness

When we have values that are intruded upon, we feel fear and we get defensive and self protect. And at the same time, this armour we put on, is also moving us away from what we actually want and value. It’s ironic

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What I want for anyone [to] have in your life..that circle of people who have some understanding of what you’re going through and are there when you want to laugh at the ting you’re not supposed to laugh about. You want to use the words you don’t use wherever you pray , the people who you know  if you slip and fall, they’ll laugh at you and then pick you up and push you back out there

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Anger

Thinking about not bottling up anger, is a matter of talking with safe people. People who aren’t going to take things upon themselves personally, who aren’t going to cause you to worry that’s they’re worrying about you, just a sounding board, people who aren’t going to shut you down, people who’ll just listen and give you guidance if you’re open to it, give you another viewpoint.

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Trends

I don’t like simply following trends. It’s so last year. I like being different, unique, live a life with meaning, taking only parts of ideas and things which are going to benefit in my own life. I don’t like jumping on bandwagons and following what everyone else is doing. That feels so blind to me.

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Defensiveness

is a signal, not a failure. It’s telling me what matters to me/them (that something needs my thoughtful attention.

It’s like a car warning light. You don’t blame the light. You still judge the situation

I can care about them and stay fair, but I don’t need to manage their growth. My own responsibility is my own energy and clarity.

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Forced appetite is trying to change how you feel.

Supportive eating is not trying to change how you feel, but rather thinking “I’m eating to prevent depletion while my appetite is low closed“

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Things I’m learning:

Understanding calms worry-thinking system.

Feeling safe calms the body-nervous system.

I intellectualise emotion, rather than just feel it and sit with it.

Emotion doesn’t need solving, it needs space.

Let kindness flow inward not just outward.

trust my felt sense, not only my reasoning.

allow wholeness over perfection

I’m going to protect you now. I’m going to look after your mental health. I’m going to look after your emotional battery.

I’m going to look out for people who (even if unknowingly) drain your mental/physical/emotional battery

They might not mean to, but they are not helpful to your kind&good heart. I will protect you now

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Learning arc

Change my thinking:

Practicing compassion > soften the inner critic into discernment.

Loosen perfectionism > rightsizing responsibility.

Help less > presence without usefulness.

These are the same direction but translated into capacity based non-moralised work

For me, effort based progress isn’t sustainable. Integration based progress works better; I’m growing because this cost me less than it used to.

It’s not growth vs self acceptance or progress vs ease

but progress towards ease

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Travels

I appreciate their work ethics, they are conscientious and responsible and do all to their best ability. The smallest jobs, the seemingly insignificant things. While there may be aspects of their culture that I feel are misogynistic and disrespectful, if I see it just as a place to travel, that’s all I need to consider. I don’t need to accept all aspects of their ways.

I’m glad I can enjoy the benefits but not actually live here. There seems to be so much pressure to conform - behaviour and appearance wise. It feels quite suffocating. Smiles feel empty and fake like it’s all a show. The seeming over politeness is irritating at a point.

How much expectations there are on people in such a society

I’m tired of the constant arigato gozaimasu. I must. It’s lengthy and anyone you pass by seems to say it and expect a response. Out of care, courtesy and politeness, it’s exhausting. How to separate itself from a culture and visiting. Underneath it is so sad and empty.

The control is partly oppression, face, masking, social pressure.

Not only emotional control, but also the control in appearance&demeanor

Thinking about their lives is so exhausting. I know I’m only travelling and visiting but it’s still. Lot to take in. And it feels like I’m absorbing it all.

Their control is in a way a reflection of myself. And seeing and realising that is scary. I’m mad at them. They seem so fake. Or it feels dystopia. Facade or perfection.

I’m not sure how to reply when people ask about my trip now. I saw a different yet same version of myself. My dislike/lack of enjoyment times are not at the core due to the environment. It’s because of my own thoughts and interpretation of the problems and situations I face.

I cannot escape myself, so my condition and experience of life is the same wherever I am.

Holding 2 seemingly opposing thoughts of what I want

A) my temperament of preferring familiarity, and hence not ecstatic about travel

B) my desire to learn another culture 

The cultural difference is more than I anticipated, more than my current state can manage. The unspoken rules are heavy and intense.

My own standards and expectations of life and way of things that already a heavy burden. Adding that does not help. Building up the ability to do things I’m unfamiliar with is what will help me grow and be less afraid. The more I try, the more I realise it’s not scary. And I have the ability to obtain the food that I want. It takes me time but it’s not a lack of skill.

The ability and ease of travelling comes with time, experience, practice. If I’m already exhausted, there’s no point to try and learn. Why strive when you have no capacity for it. Just be. And there’s no obligation to do so.

I think travelling is good for me. It’s more than just fun.

Be open-minded and broaden my perspective on life and others.

How could I make it work in my own life?

realise that there are multiple ways to expand my understanding and see differences in parallels across cultures

Realise it’s not because I don’t have curiosity. It’s giving myself permission to travel&absorb in a quieter, slower and more selective way

Travel:

Is a compression of differences

cognitive overload.

constant micro decisions

Loss of familiar regulation tools

Why is this so little spoken of? Because our culture rewards intensity, loudness, visibility, performance. That’s the driver of social media. For me the overload floods my system and reduces learning capacity. For others it catalyses insights.

My learning in travel is: regulation, integration, quiet learning

I am just trying to cope with life, to sustain and not be overwhelmed

To hear my body telling me I need a break from all the stimulation and new experiences and culture differences. My limitations in understanding the language and having confidence and autonomy here is hard for me.

Losing my ability to control and think through what I do, where I go is hard.

Dependency is hard for me.

I prefer to know what’s going on, to see it and live it as a learning experience.

I don’t like to be incompetent.

Listening to a podcast today about boycotting countries by not travelling to them, does that make a dent? Things are more complicated than that. Is it punishing the residents instead?

[sojourneronearth]

Travels

Cleanliness of a house creates an aura of perfection and pristine, so it makes people not feel comfortable with visiting or being able to be relaxed in the space. Hence an area be partially outdoors, with fresh air.

“Design of a building isn’t just the structure, but the connections and value it adds” - Nancy Lin

Depression in first world problems. The abundance, yet unsatisfied.

Life together with another looks like doing things for each other even when you don’t feel like it. Giving self to another willingly and happily.

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It costs nothing to want, but it costs something to give

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Black mirror season 6

Demon 79.

Even the most innocent people have their demons. There is a scale of badness from the human perspective. Angry at injustice, unfairness. When we become vigilantes and take matters into our own hands, it’s too much power. It is not our place as a fellow human being.

Joan is awful.

Where do human rights of self and identity come in when it comes to AI content creation. The use of a humans being’s image, voice, fame, reputation, livelihood. Is it not original and unique and owned by the person themselves? Nobody ever really had to draw the line. Perhaps we will need to. Also, where does privacy begin. If happening in the public, is it content that we can be used for entertainment?

Mazey Day

When one is under the public eye, all their bad actions and traits are magnified a thousandfold. It can ruin a person’s life. The scrutiny in which celebrities are under is humongous. Also on the other hand journalists are just doing their job. But should there be a line that’s not crossed? How is it fair?

Human beings cannot naturally sustain such moral pressure and opinions (good/bad) from millions across the globe

Beyond the sun

What makes a man a man? When do they become machine? The replica of their physical body which is up in space doing work. When one of them loses all they love and have, and borrows the other’s link. Chaos. The desire to truly live. It’s portrayed not necessarily as where your physical body is, but where you are on earth, in nature, around other real human beings. The social connection, the ability to impact and affect others and be understood. It’s ironic that they use the machine replica, to vicariously live and breathe the fresh forest air, step in to the woods, paint and be creative,  and be loved.

Loch Henry

The showing of own family histories and presenting it in a documentary may be fascinating and entertaining for the audience. But the difficulty the director went through in realising his own parent's were the culprits, was horrible. The deaths, the torture. The price of money and brining to life a dark past.

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My perfection is not the same as holiness.

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Life experiences

The purchase of mattress situation taught me to avoid making decisions under pressure. Whether it’s the person or time pressure or pressure I give myself. I thought, for once I should realise no decision is perfect and just make a decision. But it doesn’t mean I give up reflecting on it. My decision should still be solid and makes sense.

Yesterday’s panic about the card and transaction sent me nearly whirling.

It was helpful just to focus on what action I could take to relieve what worry I have, rather than just thinking of all the possibilities.