I suppose it’s not a big surprise anymore that two characters in this image are not strictly implied to be, but still based on my Angra and @heathenandevil‘s Talabriia. By the end of last year I took a nosedive in terms of productivity, so it was one of the first fully-realised works I used to crawl out of my unexpected block, and, being unsure of my ability to stick around, I jumped at the opportunity and included them just in case I fail to pick up my pace. After all, if not for Rippey throwing a wine reference in my DMs, this image wouldn’t have happened in the first place, so it was only fair to do a little “wink-wink, nudge-nudge” with it.
Not gonna lie, it was a bit of a struggle – it took about two weeks, and I remember carrying my laptop between four households before I could finish it – on top of being rusty, for a short while I couldn’t settle in one place over the course of January. But I’m glad I pushed through – half a year later it is still one of my personal faves, the mood and feel of it serves as a nice contrasting backdrop for my angstier speculative flashbacks further down the line. It’s unusual for me to deem one of the earliest works simultaneously one of the best, because for me it always takes some time to get accustomed to the setting and characters within it, but, luckily, this time around it was the case.
In BG3 this is by far my most self-indulgent thing I’ve made. It has it all – the colour palette, the empty eyes and, dare I say, an actual emotion instead of a hint of it, finally conveyed like I wanted it to be. I love the idea of Astarion being this close to freedom at least once, more than complete lack of opportunities to achieve it. It takes a special kind of cruelty and adds weight to the punch without being physically sadistic, while also fitting quite well into Cazador’s description of someone who enjoys playing with his victims until he can snatch away whatever glimpse of hope they had.
At first this strip was planned to be a direct continuation of the artwork above – as a response to Astarion obviously – and without permission – sublimating his impulses while being out in the city (thanks to his wine-soaked clothes instantly giving him up). Later on it was decided to not force any connections between those scenes, to settle “sofa” episode in the magistrate timeframe, and also to push ruined clothes in another strip soon to come. Although in there it isn’t mentioned that clothes were “ruined” after an unplanned water dive either (for multiple reasons, including pacing of the text as well as background changes), there is still an unspoken implication of more expensive and extensively embroidered doublet from the concept art being replaced with simpler one after that incident took place (and amped back up at least to the level we see in the game later, with better behaviour). A sort of “this is why you can’t have nice things”, if you will X’)
When I first started toying with the idea of this strip, I was picturing entirely different background for it – classic “vampire lair” surroundings, twisted trees, fog clouding the distance, and the stale water was supposed to be presented not in a form of turned off fountain, but a shallow ditch, much dirtier and far more humiliating. But, as it often happens with strips, I ran into an issue of not being able to explain the situation in the least amount of frames (I’m not as skilled in that as I would’ve wanted to be, let’s be honest here for a second), so I had to compromise on relatively isolated part of the cityscape. Cazador’s line “Find someone else to lie to, boy. You reek of warmth” was also cut off/modified into narrator’s text – it felt like it was needed in the first draft, but eventually lost its appeal to a silent touch with an unknown intent.
Then the bonus page naturally came along (as placing the scene further away from “home” allowed more opportunities to run into a compassionate passerby), adding much needed layer to Astarion not just being a poor mistreated thing acting on his instinct, but also a person ready to consciously exploit someone else’s kindness to save his own skin. So I guess in the end the change was a win, now I can reserve “classic vampire lair” for something else (or at least the general effects an undead of this kind casts on its immediate vicinity, but I’m getting ahead of myself).
And yes, this is where Astarion’s “scar” was hinted for the first time – or rather one of the ways it could’ve appeared. Back then I wasn’t expecting anyone to pick it up, I just did it for myself, but for some reason now I want it to be seen. Guess I’m fickle like that.
It’s probably obvious by now, but I am genuinely fascinated with mind games Illithid tadpoles offer, for the better or for the worse. Moral ambiguity of their use aside, the concept itself can be utilized in a variety of ways beyond making orders, from displaying ultimate trust to executing ultimate betrayal, not to mention that I have a few kinks enabled by possibilities those little fuckers provide (albeit I’m not ready to venture there yet). For now, I am okay with only this one being out, otherwise the mirror scene would’ve buzzed in my head 24/7 to this day. Despite Astarion not being able to completely drop his usual shenanigans, there is something raw and honest about it, in admitting desires and needs, no matter how shallow they sound. With characters so entangled in manipulations, half-truths and outright lies, moments like this one just hit differently, and I can’t help but appreciate it.
Looking back, I’m glad that I mostly kept supposed Tav offscreen (even though Angra’s alternative colour scheme still reads in it) – it doesn’t really matter who’s offering themselves as a living mirror, the gesture itself is more important than details. My only regret is not adding the scar on the upper lip here too – at the time I didn’t like the way it was fitting in, nor how distracting it was for the scene, so I scrapped it off entirely. Oh well.
I knew I was going to dwell into something heavier right after this little strip, so I chose more light-handed approach – both in terms of the theme as well as execution. Originally it was a silly snippet I’ve sent to @heathenandevil (perpetually burdened with my unfiltered and underbaked ideas – sorry about that), which I had to modify – again – to make it shorter, as well as to squeeze in “cross my heart and hope to die” idiom introduced in Patch 4, because it was too perfect not to. I didn’t plan to show the face of a spawn-visitor from the start (hence the deep hood), let alone to make two of them, but it didn’t feel right until I changed my mind, and it’s probably for the better, convenient for possible future reuse. And don’t ask me about the background, I have no idea what happened there, it was a last minute addition, and all I know is that I have no regrets.
However, I’m not particularly hung-up on the backstory this scene implies – it doesn’t come from a place of confidence, but rather a need in some sort of context to Astarion I’m personally portraying. If changes to ye olde interview tidbits are made later in the game, I’m more than willing to adjust my views on the character, but as of right now that’s just how I like him – flawed and responsible for his own demise. Which doesn’t excuse Cazador whatsoever, but shapes Astarion’s journey into something more purposeful than a complete trainwreck out of nowhere. As my DMC pals would know – I have a thing for dumbasses who dig their own grave first and have to crawl out of it later.
A moment of silence for yet another butchered idea I didn’t have the guts to approach like I intended to. The mood of it was changed entirely, and, honestly, I’m not sure if it was the best move on my part, but it’s too late to turn back now, what’s done is done. Yet even though I’m not necessarily proud of this strip (well… maybe of the first page, just a little bit), I’m still glad I dipped my toes in those waters. There is dichotomy in Astarion that I can’t help but feel attracted to – he’s not your picture perfect stoic martyr, and yet he’s still acknowledged to be strong in his own right (“strong eyes” in the datamined scene add a particularly interesting touch to other descriptions he receives). He doesn’t have to remain unshattered in order to persevere, and that’s more humanizing than his dignified, stubborn typical counterparts, never bending their backs and groveling before their enemies. “It doesn’t look broken – then again, none of us do”, he says, and he’s the only to know it – functional at first glance, utterly messed up inside.
If I ever get back to the original idea, there is a slight chance of tieing it up to this strip, to make its existence in this mangled form a bit more justified. Although I’m more or less content with the way the first page came out, splitting this strip and reusing its parts doesn’t sit right with me, and so does pretending that it never happened – I would rather leave it as is and build something new on top. But we’ll see how I feel about that when the time comes – if it comes at all – I’m keeping my options open for now.
I’m not gonna throw everything I did for BG3 into this mix (and I left out quite a lot, sketches, silly strips and shipping content, that’s a story for some other time), but it’s interesting to stop for a second and look back. While I do find joy in the process of drawing itself (which, I gotta admit, doesn’t happen often elsewhere these days), the question of worthiness of it all still pops up in my head on the regular basis. In retrospect, scrolling through my gallery doesn’t feel as pointless as it was in the past, so there is a bit of comfort in that thought, despite there still being a long way to go before I can confidently say “I am satisfied with what I am doing right now”. While in terms of technique I’m relatively stagnant, maybe changing of the overall approach was the growth I went through instead – better than none at all, I guess. The search for finer way to speak my mind through drawings still continues – it’s a work in progress on my part, and a slow one at that – but it seems like a few steps in the right direction were finally made.
Nevertheless, big thanks to everyone supporting me on this road. And of course, to Larian for providing me a perfect subject to bounce my ideas off of.
janainaart
areudirty
origamiaround
gummygunk
prguitarman
germansingergirl
blakekathryn
snowghoul
jacobvanloon
theartofmadeline
