‘You saved my life,’ he says, ‘I owe you everything.’
‘You don’t,’ I say, ‘you don’t owe me squat, let’s just get going, let’s just get gone,’ but he’s
keeps saying ‘I owe you,’ says ‘Your shoes are filling with your own damn blood, you must want something, just tell me, and it’s yours.’
But I can’t look at him, can hardly speak,
‘I took the bullet for all the wrong reasons, I’d just as soon kill you myself,’ I say.
You keep saying ‘I owe you, I owe…’ but you say the same thing every time.
Let’s not talk about it, let’s just not talk.
Not because I don’t believe it, not because I want it any different, but I’m always saving
and you’re always owing and I’m tired of asking to settle the debt.
You never mean it, anyway, not really, and it only makes me that much more ashamed.
There’s only one thing I want, don’t make me say it, just get me bandages, I’m bleeding,
I’m not just making conversation.
There’s smashed glass glittering everywhere like stars… but we always win and we never quit, see, we’ve won again, here we are at the place
where I get to beg for it
where I get to say ‘Please, for just one night, will you lay down next to me, we can leave our clothes on, we can stay all buttoned up?’
‘Roll over and let me fuck you till you puke,
you owe me this much, you can indulge me this at least, can’t you?’
But we both know how it goes.
I say ‘I want you inside me’ and you hold my head underwater, I say ‘I want you inside me’
and you split me open with a knife.
I’m battling monsters, half-monkey, half-tarantula, I’m pulling you out of the burning buildings and you say
‘I’ll give you anything.’
But you never come through.
Give me bullet power. Give me power over angels. Even when you’re standing up, you look like you’re lying down, but will you let me kiss your neck, baby? Do I have to tie your arms down?
Do I have to stick my tongue in your mouth like the hand of a thief, like a burglary, like it’s just another petty theft?
It makes me tired. Do you see what I mean? Do you see what I’m getting at? You swallowing matches and suddenly I’m yelling ‘Strike me! Strike anywhere!’
I swear, I end up feeling empty,
like you’ve taken something out of me, and I have to search
my body for the scars, thinking
Did he find that one last tender place to sink his teeth in? I know you want me to say it, it’s in the script,
‘Lie down on the bed, you’re all I ever wanted, and worth dying for too.’
But I think I’d rather keep the bullet this time.
It’s mine, you can’t have it, see, I’m not giving it up.
This way you still owe me, and that’s as good as anything. You can’t get out of this one, you can’t get it out of me,
and with this bullet lodged in my chest, covered with your name, I will turn myself into a gun, because
because I’m hungry and hollow and just want something to call my own. I’ll be your slaughterhouse, your killing floor, your morgue and final resting, walking around with this bullet inside me,
‘Cause I couldn’t make you love me and I’m tired of pulling your teeth.
Don’t you see, it’s like, I’ve swallowed your house keys, and it feels so natural, like the bullet was already there, like it’s been waiting inside me the whole time.
Do you want it? Do you want anything I have? Will you throw me to the ground like you mean it, reach inside and wrestle it out with your bare hands?
If you love me, you don’t love me in a way I understand.
Do you know how it ends? Do you feel lucky? Do you want to go home now? Grab an end, pull hard, and make a wish.
blakekathryn
germansingergirl
origamiaround
titsay
prguitarman
janainaart
vaporwave
