I don't have any answers for you.

Ephraim, king of Renais, brother of Eirika and Myrrh, and caretaker of Grado. (Post-FE8 events.) part of master seal.

[solarbrace]

is anyone still following this blog and active?

[solarbrace]

is anyone still following this blog and active?

[princeofmisery]

 “There is…was a demon in my head, I was too weak to stop the demon doing so much evil… and I’m still not sure what exactly I am!  There is good reason to be repulsed by me… not that I want you to be!”

He flinched as Ephraim shouted at him. Ephraim’s hoarse tone combined with the ever-present mocking in his head, he felt surrounded. This wasn’t how this was supposed to work! He was supposed to get Ephraim to Grado and then everything would be painful.

“I’m sorry,” he choked, “You’re right I… I didn’t think… anyone would care. I’m sorry, I took the mockery of the court to mean everyone hated me… I should have known you felt otherwise… I’m sorry.” He still couldn’t quite believe it but… perhaps everything was a lot clearer when the demon wasn’t actively trying to communicate with him.

Lyon watched as Ephraim reached for him. What was he doing? What was he saying? Why wasn’t he being oblivious and going on about Eirika again? How did Ephraim’s mind even work? How was he supposed to control -?

Lyon gasped as Ephraim grabbed him but soon found himself quite robbed of breath.  Ephraim was…kissing him? Tentatively, he laid his hands upon Ephraim’s shoulders in something resembling an embrace and attempted  to return the gesture. He’d never kissed someone before, sure he’d fantasised but… this was much more nerve wracking than in a daydream. Even Ephraim was shaking… Lyon tightened his embrace as he tried to make sense of this all. 

[solarbrace]

Ephraim pulled back only after a long time, and with obvious reluctance. He stayed close, trying to disguise his shivering. Had he actually done that? Well, so much for not offering the demon any ammunition. 

"Do you understand now?" he murmured, not letting go of Lyon as he spoke. Up close, he could see how tired Lyon was, how wrong his eyes still somehow looked. He stroked Lyon's hair gently, hoping it was somehow a comfort despite the state he'd been forced into. "I'm not going to let you die." 

His mind was racing -- Lyon had kissed him back? And pulled him closer, too... everything seemed even more complicated than it had before. It might have been a bad idea, but there was still a strong urge to do it again. He lingered close, trying to fight it off; they didn't exactly have time to roll around between the ancient roots, not with Eirika in peril. 

"You'll help me save Eirika, won't you? I know... you haven't much energy, and you can't rest well, and you must be frightened to go back where the demon is after all he put you through. I'm sorry to ask for this. But... I don't want to be alone anymore." 

[solarbrace]

I was like "ah I'll get back into this" and then... nothing on the open, so, maybe not

[princeofmisery]

Oh for Latona’s sake!

"Are you selectively oblivious or…or is the thought of being loved by me really that repulsive?!" 

He hadn’t meant to say that aloud. He hadn’t meant to say anything. He didn’t want to continue that topic and yet… damn Ephraim! This was all his fault! First he had ruined his plan and now he was making him far too honest. He deserved the demon’s laughter right now, Ephraim had turned him into such a fool!

"I’m not trying to string you along," Not in the ways you think I am. “I don’t want you to hurt either…it’s just… I said, I admire you far too much, more than is normal for someone who…! I won’t die on you either…however much He wants me to.” 

He wanted to roll over, cover himself in his cape and sleep. That would free him from this humiliation. However Ephraim was right, they needed to go to Grado to find Eirika and whatever else lay there. 

"By myself, I can only warp small distances," Lyon mumbled, "And..and I don’t know how to bring someone along with me. Sorry."

[solarbrace]

"If I were repulsed by you, would I have left Renais in the dead of night to charge into Grado and try to find you? Would I have fought everyone else when they told me there was no hope for you, that we'd have to kill you?" 

He made no effort to stop himself from shouting anymore, letting the edges of his voice go ragged and hoarse. 

"You started all this thinking your life didn't matter, right? That's what you told me, and you never even stopped to think for even a moment that anyone might miss you. My father is dead, my sister is missing, the Stones are lost, my homeland is likely overrun by now in my absence. If you die, I have nothing left."

He reached for Lyon, not sure if he meant to help him up or just feel him, be reminded that he wasn't alone out here in these awful woods. 

"I didn't realize it until after you took the stone from me, and everyone else had decided... there was nothing left we could do to save you. I realized then.. I..." 

He couldn't say anything anymore. He crouched down instead, pulling close too quickly for any resistance, and pulled Lyon into a kiss. Maybe the demon would take advantage of it now that it was out in the open, but maybe the demon had known all alone. What did it matter? He closed his eyes and ran his roughened fingers through Lyon's hair, focusing on that instead of the tremors shaking his body and the fear creeping in. 

[princeofmisery]

“Love… Eirika?”  Thoughts of a plan were wiped from his head at Ephraim’s statement. He couldn’t even curse that Ephraim managed to catch him off guard. He tried to come up with some kind of eloquent reply, without sounding flustered. He had thought Ephraim was oblivious to such things!

“I..I suppose we could have married one day… though… I don’t deserve to be loved by either of you. I mean!  I mean…I want, well, I didn’t , don’t only love Eirika… I mean! I’m sorry.”

He had to change the subject right away. This was not a time to look so foolish.  He had to lean away from honesty or they’d never get anything done.

“I don’t hate you for being close,” he managed, “I suppose… I was a little jealous. Of the closeness you shared when I felt alone…and I was slightly jealous that you were both so talented. However I could never hate you for that…I admire you both too much.”

Lyon curled up a little tighter as if that would better defend himself from the feeling of awkwardness that seemed to ally itself with the cold in an effort to make him uncomfortable.

“I want to help. I know it’s me that wants to help Eirika so…so I will do everything I can to help.” Yes, they would go to Grado, plan or no plan. In all fairness, when had his other plans worked…perhaps it was time to try something as and when situations arose?

[solarbrace]

It seemed to have done the opposite of what Ephraim wanted. He drew away and rose, forcing himself away form Lyon. 

"It's fine. Forget I said anything. You want to see Eirika again, and so do I. That's all that matters, right?" 

He stared up at the sky, trying to discern the direction they'd travel. Grado would be south, and... he couldn't seem to focus. He paced back and forth, trying not to mull over what Lyon had said, exactly. It didn't matter. Eirika mattered, and saving Lyon mattered, and ending the war mattered. That was all. 

"When we see her, you should tell her. You should tell her what you told me... without... probably without what you said about me. You don't have to lie to Eirika to string her along like me, right? She's been through too much already. You can't die on her. Think of it that way." 

He gestured toward the south, his motions more tired than he'd wanted to let on. "This way. Only another day or so, if we keep a good pace. Unless that magic of yours can get us there any faster." 

[solarbrace]

[solarbrace]

"I don’t remember everything, sometimes…there are whole days, perhaps weeks gone." That was true. Though he remembered vividly some of the more…driven conversations they had had.

"Sometimes it was me talking and…then the demon would take control mid-way through so I didn’t know if those words were mine… I would want… I do want to say kind things to you, but would you believe it was me and not the demon trying to fool you?”

Not untrue…Lyon decided to settle for ‘partially true.’ He liked Ephraim’s concern, having the power to turn that voice gentle, to make Ephraim approach him after being apart for so long. To make Ephraim feel things for him… It wasn’t a plan but it was wonderful to have such attentions.

"I’m really sorry if it seemed like I was trying to hurt you… I didn’t want to. I would never want to hurt those I hold so dear." 

Well, Ephraim had believed everything he had said so far so why not?

"I understand," Ephraim answered. He kept a safe distance, hoping not to crowd Lyon. "I... I wondered, for a while, if maybe I was wrong, maybe I didn't know you as well as I thought I did, and it was really you, angry at me this whole time. But I don't think that's true. You... you love Eirika. I know that. I should have seen it a long time ago. I always assumed you two would marry, but..."

He had to phrase carefully. Hardly his strong suit. He'd only gotten worse after so long alone, largely in silence. His throat chafed and scratched from talking after so long.

"But... to hate me because she and I are close... I don't think you'd do that. Maybe... you'd resent me, and he took advantage of that. If he made it look as if you hated me, then I'd stop trying to save you. That could be it."

Ephraim shivered slightly. The chill in the air seemed to cut right through him. He'd grown accustomed to barely sleeping, barely eating, but Lyon there reminded him of how long it had been since he'd slept well himself.

"Even if you did hate me, I'd never stop. I'd go to hell and back. Because... you'd do that for Eirika, right? It's the same."

Good enough. Ephraim rested his head on his knees and sighed heavily.

"We should go to her. Rest comes when Eirika is safe. I can't stop until I see her again, and until I find a way to keep you here. With me. Alive. "

[princeofmisery]

"I think it is… you have shown me naught but kindness" whilst being insufferably wonderful  went unsaid as Lyon continued, “Why should I hate you?”

His reasons would go unlisted for the sake of progress. He put his head in his hands as he tried to ignore the steady stream of laughter that filled his thoughts. It was as if the demon thought this plan, whatever it turned out to be, couldn’t possibly turn out well. Just like he’d tricked him into believing that last plan! Or…had that just been Ephraim’s pessimism and love for ruining his life? He still didn’t know.

"I don’t think he would." His voice became rather trained as he tried to think through what had once been a brilliant plan.  He sounded upset even to his own ears. He had been so certain. So sure! He hadn’t had the need, or occasionally the capability, to doubt. It was going to work!

There was a chance Ephraim would notice if he got too upset though. Instead of sitting cross-legged, he raised his knees so he could rest his face against them. Looking at the darkness of his muddy robes made it easier to think. Was that plan a trap? Was his great designs just another way to use him? He hated the idea as much he hated Ephraim for suggesting it. 

"I have strong feelings for you too but he took, altered and used them!" he said, muffled slightly by his position, "I don’t think…I can ever take what he said back… I didn’t mean them." The fact he was already upset about something else made his words seem truer. Well, he wasn’t lying completely…the demon had merely made him realise how much hatred was there.

[solarbrace]

Ephraim had to stay careful, he knew that. He wanted to somehow assure Lyon that he believed the best of him, without being condescending, or risking the demon hurting Lyon even more. Anything Ephraim said could likely be used against Lyon. 

"All of what you said to me was a lie?" he asked, keeping his voice gentle and moving closer still. He wanted to reach out and touch Lyon now, but he wasn't sure it was a good idea with him huddled like that. 

"I... I can't believe you would want to hurt me, or Eirika. I don't believe that it was really you who... who was responsible for what happened to my father. I know you would never taunt me like that. But... the kinder things you said. Was that... was that you? Or... it could have been the demon, trying to hurt us, right?" 

[florial]

“If I were your lover”… Finish it in my ask.

[solarbrace]

Watch me get none whatsoever

I’m looking forward to not receiving any messages. 

[princeofmisery]

It seemed to be working. He had to win Ephraim’s favour back if he was going to do anything. What he was trying to achieve he wasn’t yet sure, but he would undoubtedly need Ephraim to do it. Heroic Emperor sounded so emboldening… that was probably expecting too much. For now Ephraim might achieve some good. He did truly wonder sometimes, which plans and thoughts really were his own?

"I am glad. I think…I would also grieve if you were lost to me even though He would enjoy it very much. All this hatred is his, is it not? You are trying to stop him so he filled me with his hatred."

How easy would it be just to shove all his negativity into a box labelled ‘demon’. Occasionally the hatred would seep out, there was too much of it to be contained, but what if he did just that? Pretended he was whiter than white, full of hopes and dreams whilst it was the demon that shredded them not his own thoughts?

"There are lots of strong feelings in here about you," Lyon replied, "And about Eirika too… Is that me? Am I allowed?" He bit back a comment about hatred mixed with adoration and merely waited for a reply. If he could pinpoint exactly how Ephraim felt he could have a better grounding on keeping him here… and he wanted to know just a little…regardless of the outcome..

[solarbrace]

"Yes... I hope that's it. I don't believe you're a hateful person." It did seem to be doing some good Ephraim drew closer, less hesitant now. 

He wasn't sure what to say in response to Lyon's question Lying felt wrong, but telling the whole truth would be dangerous. There had to be some balance to it.

"Of course you're allowed. I think... if they're good feelings, then they're yours. The demon wouldn't add something good to your mind, right? And...." 

Maybe it was better to be reckless. It had served him well enough. 

"I can't speak for Eirika, but if I didn't have strong feelings about you... I never would have gone into Grado to try to find you."

[spellslingereva-blog]

RPers! Raise your hand if you have no fear in killing your own character.

Reblog this if you’re not afraid to let your character die. (Or possibly if you even enjoy killing them.)

[princeofmisery]

Lyon merely watched from the floor as Ephraim joined him in the mud and leaves. He stopped laughing as Ephraim spoke. Instead, he gave a small smile reminiscent of happier days.

"I’d like to be free of his laughter, I’d like to know what I am, what is me. You seem to know better than I do." Ah, this was it, Ephraim was so desperate for what he thought Lyon was, he would follow him to Grado in the hope of having ‘his’ Lyon back. Who knows maybe they could take on the demon together. Even if Ephraim did all the work…people would still call him a hero. Heroic Emperor Lyon…hmm. For the here and now however, he adopted an imploring expression.

"Will you help me? Please…Ephraim. I do not want to cause Eirika pain…or you either. Would you grieve? After seeing me like this? After seeing what a mess he left behind? I need your help though… I need you to help me work out which bits are me…you knew me well before the…He had his way with me. I trust you, please."

[solarbrace]

Ephraim tried to steady his breath, but it didn't seem to be working. His fear funneled into anger -- how dare anything put Lyon in this state? He forced himself to move closer, carefully so as not to cause fright. 

"Of course I would grieve," he answered, his voice even despite his panic. "I would, because... the real you is kind, gentle, compassionate, intelligent. You're everything I'm not. This war, all of this destruction, the way you taunted me before about my father... That wasn't you. You'd never do that. You'll remember soon, I know you will."

Was this helping? He couldn't be sure, but Lyon's smile was so familiar, the way he remembered it. Maybe honesty would bring more of that back to him.

"Please understand. If you die after all this... It's selfish, but I... I wouldn't be able to bear it."

[princeofmisery]

Lyon didn’t run after him, he didn’t have to. As he warped to a spot in front of Ephraim, his landing went a little askew as one foot hit a tree root and he lost balance. Pretending it was his intention to end up on his bottom all along, he sat cross-legged in a pile of leaves, staring up at Ephraim unblinkingly. He breathed deeply, trying to quash the frustration, the hatred that wasn’t getting him anywhere.He needed a change of tactics whilst he worked out what to do with himself let alone Ephraim.

"Ephraim," he said, "Do you know what it’s like to have something thrust its thoughts into your body so you can no longer tell what’s yours and what is madness?"

He made an act of pressing his finger-tips to the side of his head.

"Because…that’s what this is. Emotions, plans, opinions, are they mine? Are they his?" He began to laugh, a small sad sound as he began to see the humour in his situation. Ephraim had ruined everything and now, despite all that planning he was back to square one again with nothing. He had actually managed to believe in himself this time, who would’ve thought? Yet it was all for nothing. He had done so mcuh but amounted to.. nothing. The futility of it all was amusing him.

"I’m here somewhere," Lyon laughed, "What you call Lyon but…you’re going to have to find me amidst what He left behind…there’s a definitely something in here that just wants to die but I don’t know who that is. Please tell me if you find out."

[solarbrace]

Lyon's appearance took Ephraim aback. He staggered backwards, too fast -- a stray root caught his foot and knocked him onto the ground. His chest tightened as he listened -- fear? He wasn't sure. He tried not to show it, but he felt his eyes widening and his pulse race.

"Lyon -- whatever of Lyon is in there -- listen to me. You don't have to die. All this hurt and confusion, that's... that's all the demon, right? It'll be gone soon. I'm sure of it. All we have to do is defeat him and you'll be free, all right?" 

Despite his words, he found himself inching backward, away from Lyon. He hadn't felt so helpless in a long time. 

"You might think dying is the answer, but it's a lie, all right? Your people will suffer without you. And... if you die, you'll never see Eirika again. You know she'd grieve for you. Do you want to cause that?" 

[princeofmisery]

"Dark magic…It’s power binds itself to you tighter through blood runes, what is shed through sacrifice… can you even imagine what power I would have had in my final moments? That’s how my death helps…I know… I knew what I was doing. Just…”

He focused on the act of clenching his hands and letting the scars show clearer - evidence of when his little sacrifices hadn’t been quite as clean as he would have liked. However tight Ephraim held him, he couldn’t meet his eyes any more. He looked everywhere but at the shouting man before him. Why did Ephraim have to do this? He had been so certain. So sure he was doing the right thing. He had been confident, for once in his miserable life he had known he was pursuing the right plan all the way to its logical conclusion, even if that was death. He was going to do the right thing

…and here Ephraim was. Not content to be stronger, more moral,  a better ruler, warrior…a better everything! Not content to forever cast him into shadow but then to deny him the darkness when he wanted to make use of it!  The worst thing about it was the doubt Lyon felt. The crippling worry that this was indeed one big trap. Ephraim probably right, and Lyon hated him for it.

"We aren’t turning back.. We can’t turn back. What does it matter if I die if it means we can save Eirika? You’d rather she be alive than me right? She’s your family. Of course you would." That hysterical note was back and he was resisting the urge to hit, cry on, kiss, cast at… The target of all his emotions was Ephraim and they were proving tough to control.

"I don’t have any family left. All the generals who served my father are dead or traitors. The nobility will send killers after me. The people will blame me if I cannot fix their country. Kindness cannot stop their homes being destroyed! Their livelihoods wrecked. I had a solution and…and…"

Why was he getting louder?

"The demon is still laughing at me. He’s still laughing Ephraim…it was so much easier when he didn’t let me think…I just hated myself like I’ve always done…it was just like home."

[solarbrace]

Ephraim broke the hold forcefully; obviously it wasn't doing him any good. Maybe he had to go a step further, then. He stepped back, putting a good distance between himself and Lyon. 

"Go alone, then," he snapped. "I won't be complicit in this. It's... it's suicide. The Lyon I know wouldn't do this. He wouldn't say these things. And I refuse to stand by as you make a mockery of him and his ideals -- as you make a mockery of me, and of my sister, after all this. I'm leaving."

His voice rattled through the forest, loud enough that anything in the area would hear him, but he didn't care. True to his word, he turned away from Lyon and kept his usual pace in the other direction, trying to resist the urge to slow down or wait. 

He'll come to his senses. He has to. It can't end like this. I've fought too hard for it to end like this. 

[solarbrace]

Staggering (Open)

It was an especially cold night, with fierce winds whipping through Ephraim’s clothes, cutting down to the skin. He shivered, thankful he was alone, and tried to keep walking.

He had no idea where he was, no conception of how far he’d gone at this point, and his sense of direction from the stars was failing him. And on top of that, the old wound winding up his leg was always aggravated by the cold, and by travel. As far as he could see, there was no one in sight, but still, out of pride, he tried not to limp.

His efforts failed as he hit a stray tree root, hard, and collapsed to the ground.

Humiliating, he thought, remembering how strong his strides used to be. He scrambled at the bark of the tree that had caused the fall and jerked himself back up, trying to ignore the tenderness in his leg, but found he couldn’t quite hold himself up without letting go.

It was only then that he heard footsteps, approaching fast. If it was a danger, he couldn’t run. And if it was aid… he’d have to take it, no matter how much it wounded his pride.

[solarbrace]

◎ what do u think of Selena and Glen and Duessel?

I truly believe all three of Grado’s generals, the ones I remember meeting when I was young, are… or were… upstanding people. General Duessel is my mentor; I wouldn’t be half the man I am today were it not for him. 

As for Generals Selena and Glen… what I heard of General Glen’s death was senseless, an atrocity. I wish I could have met him more than just in passing. And General Selena… I wonder if I could have somehow convinced her to join us if I’d known then what I know now about Emperor Vigarde. In the end, all I could offer her was an honorable funeral.

She deserved to live. I would have valued her courage and loyalty in the Grado I face now. 

[solarbrace]

◎ What is your ultimate fantasy?

Fantasy...? 

Well... since it's that... I know it's selfish and unrealistic, but...

I'd abdicate. Eirika could rule better than me, anyway, especially if everything was peaceful and right, the way it was meant to be. The people love her. But... more importantly...

I'd have you at my side, and we'd go on adventures together, sleep under the stars side by side. Of course... we'd visit Eirika and keep in touch, and take her with us whenever she wanted. 

I could keep you safe, and know Eirika was all right, and never worry about disappointing everyone as a ruler again.

...Stupid, I know.