Had some fun coloring this last night while thinking "I guess I'll just draw all the tears I can't cry"
There is so much going on and it is all so heavy to hold
I've also struggled to cry when I need to. Something has to dredge up the tears from the ocean floor.
Just finished reading It's Lonely at the center of the Earth this morning. I cried at the end. And even though it ends on a positive note It still felt painful. I know the feelings Zoe goes through will never go away.
I'm lucky I don't deal with SI. I watched my sister grow up with it. I watched her make attempts, run away, and lash out. She's still alive. But I hold on to the pain that one day she won't be.
I relate a lot to being in the company of many versions of myself. The book "Your Head is a Houseboat" also uses this concept. That inside your head are all these people who are contained in memory. A part of the analogy is to be mindful of letting shitty people live in your houseboat. But I also see it as a home for all your selves.
So the moments where she's talking to herself at 15 really touch me. It reminds me that the kid I was is always there inside of me. Every version of myself still exists somewhere inside. And I can pull from that source of power whenever I need to. She had good ideas and passion and curiosity. I still do but it's now buried under decades of bad experiences and emotional masking.
Anyway time to take a walk with my boyfriend 🌚
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