It was strange, leaving (y/n)’s house the day after telling her that I loved her and finding that the world was going on as usual for everyone else. Because it wasn’t for me — everything seemed so much lighter and clearer, like the knowledge that a woman like her loved me could actually change the fates of every other creature on the planet.
Of course, the butterfly effect has its merits in theory. Perhaps it is true that her saying she loved me was enough to alter what would have been otherwise. But as modern media depictions show, those changes aren’t always for the better.
Anyway, that's a very roundabout way to explain how uncomfortable I felt as I stood between her and JJ in the middle of the bullpen.
It was almost harder to keep up with what they were saying because their body language screamed so much louder than the normal register of their voices. JJ stood much closer to me than I was used to, her arms crossed over her chest with her hip cocked away from me.
(Y/n), on the other hand, had wrapped her arms so tightly around me I thought she might actually cut off circulation. I couldn’t blame her for being nervous. I wasn’t exactly loving the idea of her being out on display for everyone.
I don’t have the best track record of keeping girlfriends safe at this job.
By the time I tuned back into the conversation, JJ was asking me a question. Luckily, some deeper part of my subconscious had heard it well enough for me to understand she was asking me where I’d like to go on a vacation, given we ever actually have time to take one.
“I’m not sure. I’ve never really thought about it.” It was an honest answer, albeit a bit boring. My girlfriend, herself stumped by the question, suddenly blurted out an idea. “Ooh we can visit Los Angeles!”
JJ and I had the same reaction at first, although I quickly put together what she actually meant. Unfortunately, JJ was quicker than I was to speak.
(Y/n) glanced up at me with a similar confusion, whispering with her usual tone when she knew she was about to be embarrassed. “That’s where you’re from, right?”
“Close. Las Vegas.” I shrugged as I said it, blowing off the confusion of the two names. I knew she’d never been to the West Coast, and names and numbers weren’t really her thing.
“Isn’t it like four hours away?” JJ asked, since, of course, she knew neither of these things about (y/n), who was now very shifting in her spot, slightly pulling away from me in an obvious sign of guilt.
“Sorry,” she muttered with a nervous chuckle. “I’m not great at names.”
Not wanting her to feel like I cared at all about the name of a city I didn’t even live in anymore over her feelings, I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her back to me.
“Don’t apologize. We should go to LA.” She looked up at me as I spoke, my favorite smile creeping back across her features. I smiled, too, as I added, “and Vegas.”
The lighthearted joke seemed to ease the tension, although I could still feel the anxiety bristling off the woman by my side.
It was weird, and difficult to explain why JJ seemed so defensive. I had my theories, but none seemed to fit. We’d just had a conversation about our relationship a couple of weeks ago, so why did I feel like the matter had never actually been settled?
Regardless, she smiled when she saw me smile, despite the hint of confusion and something else in her eyes. I was cautious to call it jealousy, because too often we assume that word means envy over a romantic love interest, but that didn't strike me as what was happening.
“How did you two meet again?” It was a genuine question that I would normally be excited to explain but in this case…
“It’s embarrassing,” (Y/n) said with a laugh, covering her face with her hand as she recalled the memory.
But I don’t know why she was embarrassed when I was the one who had looked like an idiot that day. “Yeah, for me, maybe.”
“No way!” She squeaked, “You were my hero. I was the stupid one.”
“Completely false.” I shot back without a second thought, looking down to see she had that devilish, playful shine that told me she was very eager to share our humiliating meeting with everyone.
She turned to JJ, pulling her hands away from me so she could talk with her hands. Truthfully, it was more like she talked with her entire body. Everyone would probably think that she had subconsciously adopted the trait from me, but she had been doing it before she met me.
We were just made for each other. That was all.
“So it was a beautiful day outside so I went to the park. And I was wearing one of those big floppy hats, ya know?” She used both hands to mime the size of the hat over her head, which JJ seemed to find an equal mix of charming and annoying.
“But then the wind just sort of… whooshed it away. It ended up landing in a tree, and so I figured I could just climb up and get it, but I was wearing a dress so… Long story short, he ran over and offered to get it for me.”
“I think calling that “climbing” is a bit of a stretch…” I teased halfway under my breath, earning me a sharp elbow to the side.
“Anyways!” She drawled, clearly annoyed by my comments from the peanut gallery, ”He climbed the tree for me to get my hat, and when he came down all exhausted with leaves in his hair I just…”
My cheeks burned as she continued to talk. I was still unused to praise, or anyone talking about me the way she does. Because I could be doing something completely unremarkable, anything at all, and she would still act like I was the most amazing thing in the world. I wasn’t sure I’d ever get used to it.
“I knew I needed to know more about this strange man who was willing to climb a tree in front of everyone just so I wouldn’t hurt myself over a stupid hat.”
“In your defense, it’s a very cute hat. At least on you.”
Her bright smile only did so much to make me feel less guilty about the fact I was practically ignoring JJ. But it was weird, no matter how much I didn’t want it to be. In a way, I felt like I was flaunting my happiness in front of her, and I got the sense that she also felt that way.
Which, if true, would be a pretty big dick move. It wasn’t true, though. She was here because she wanted to be, and because I loved her. I couldn’t hide her forever; that wouldn’t be fair either.
“I’m impressed he was able to climb the tree in the first place.” JJ finally remarked, awkwardly shrugging her shoulders with an equally nervous laugh.
“It didn’t look very easy,” (y/n) replied, mirroring JJ’s actions with her own shrug before tacking on, “But I guess that’s why he’s a genius, right? 185 IQ and everything?”
I could see what was about to happen before it did, but that didn’t make it any better when it happened.
“187.” JJ’s curt response ended with a stark silence between all three of us.
“Sorry?” (Y/n)’s quiet voice peeked through the tension in the air.
I knew that I should say something, but I couldn’t find the words fast enough. Taking a deep breath, my eyes continued to burn into JJ, who refused to look at me.
“Oh, gosh, I’m so sorry.” The tremble as she spoke stole my attention away, and I took her hand just a little too tightly as she continued, “I’m not good at numbers. That’s his thing…”
“It’s fine, it doesn’t matter.” I thought that my words would be enough to signal that this conversation didn’t need to continue, but I was wrong.
“I’m surprised, he talks about it so much, I figured you’d know the exact number.”
(Y/n) was started to get overwhelmed, and I needed to defuse the situation somehow without also making her feel like I was speaking for her. On top of that, I didn’t know how to explain to her that JJ was only being weird because she was clearly having a bad day in a series of even worse days.
But, bad day or not, there was only so far I could let it go on like this.
“We don’t really talk about stuff like that.”
Thankfully, (y/n) seemed to be holding her own. Or at least, holding up better than I figured she would. JJ, being the amazing mother she was, had a tendency to be a bit intimidating when defending someone she loved.
Which might explain why the next words out of her mouth were, “That’s too bad.” Although it was a semi-hostile comment in itself, she made matters worse by tacking on, “I feel like it’s a big part of his life.”
“I said it’s fine.” I cut in, feeling the way (y/n)’s hand started to wriggle out of mine, probably from a mixture of discomfort from JJ’s comments and the way I was holding it much too tightly.
“It’s just weird being the one correcting people for once.” JJ tried to laugh it off, but I knew what she was doing. Did she think I was stupid?
“Well, you don’t have to.”
The sentence hung in the air, with JJ’s jaw almost imperceptibly clenching, her eyes darting away from both of the people in front of her. She had something she wanted to say, but it wasn’t the time or place. Not with (y/n) here. And (y/n) knew it, too.
“I’m sorry, can you excuse me?”
I released her hand, knowing that it would be much worse if I tried to force her to stay. And as much as I wanted to chase after her and wipe the tears that I’m sure were to follow, there was something much more pressing in front of me.
“JJ, can I talk to you for a second?”
She didn’t answer, just turning on her heels to walk back into her office. I followed closely behind, and when I shut the door, I took care not to slam it. I didn’t want to be mad at her. Didn’t want to.
I had to keep repeating it to myself, because the more I thought about the fact my girlfriend was currently crying in the bathroom, the angrier I got. This was supposed to be a good thing — I had finally found a woman that was willing to put up with me! She wanted to be around me!
As soon as the door hit the frame, I couldn’t contain the rage any longer.
“What are you doing, Jennifer?” My voice remained low and quiet, although the way it shook demonstrated exactly what emotions lurked beneath the surface.
“Jennifer?” She said with a tilt of her head, clearly not appreciating the use of her full name, “Spence, what—“
And I didn’t appreciate the nickname, either, so I didn’t even let her finish, gesturing to the closed door as I asked, “Do you think I’m just going to sit back and let you treat my girlfriend like shit?”
“I’m not doing that!” Her statement sounded more like a question, and I knew that despite the direct eye contact, she knew she wasn’t telling the truth.
“Yeah, except you are. You act like you’re being nice, but you aren’t. You’re constantly waiting for her to screw up. Everyone knows what you’re doing, including (y/n).” I paused, noticing that my voice was slowly rising in volume. “She’s crying now. Are you happy?”
“No. Of course I’m not happy about that.” There was genuine guilt, but it wasn’t nearly enough for me. “I’m sorry, Spencer. She’s just... not what I expected.”
The thought made me laugh, and the words were out of my mouth before I could screen them to ask myself whether they would really be productive.
“What did you expect? Someone like you?”
“What does that even mean?” She balked, crossing her arms over her chest again as she moved behind her desk. She was literally putting barriers up between us, and still couldn’t accept that I could see right through her.
I took a deep breath, trying to figure out how to say this in the simplest terms. More than anything, I needed her to understand that just because (y/n) wasn’t caught up on my entire life story didn’t mean she wasn’t right for me.
JJ, Garcia, and Emily had all viewed me like the stupid kid I had been when I first met them. But that wasn’t who I was anymore, and they needed to see that. I was an adult, and a profiler at that. I didn’t need her to protect me anymore.
My heart might have belonged to her back then, but it was mine now. I got to do whatever I wanted with it. And I was choosing to give it to (y/n). If she couldn’t understand why, she would have to at least accept that it was going to happen anyway.
I thought about her again, trying to picture her smile without red-rimmed eyes or a quivering lip. The anger that was at first about my own pride quickly morphed into my undying need to protect her.
“I don’t care if she doesn’t know what my IQ is.” I finally spoke, holding a hand to my heart like it was the same as holding (y/n). In a way, I guess it was. “I love that she doesn’t give a shit about how smart I am and how she can take advantage of that.”
JJ’s face fell as the words hit her, and I could see the years of regretful actions that had built up to this moment. People always thought that I didn’t fight back when people were subtly dismissive or outright rude because I didn’t notice, but I did.
I just didn’t care when it only affected me. But this time, it impacted someone else. And she definitely didn’t deserve it. My voice rising again, I bitterly laughed, “It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t know everything about me yet, because I want to spend the rest of my life with her! Okay? I’m not in any rush.”
Biting my tongue to drop myself from sharing our problems with everyone outside the room, I ran a hand through my hair, trying to remember that JJ was my friend, and (y/n) was my girlfriend, and neither of those things had to change as a result of this conversation.
But the next question stung at my throat, begging to be asked.
“Honestly, do you respect me at all?”
Her answer was quick, reflexive, but I hadn’t really even finished asking the question. Because respecting me meant more than letting me talk. “Then how can you treat her like this? How do you treat me like this?”
I turned away from her, briefly considering just ending the conversation there, before I said something I would regret. But the sight of her arms dropping to her sides in my peripheral vision told me to hang on.
“You told me you loved me. And you told me it was because you wanted to move on. But now— now that I’m happy, you don’t like it?”
JJ wasn’t the kind of woman to cry when a man raised her voice, so I didn’t really know why there were tears in her eyes now. If I had stopped for even a second, I might have been able to see the regret and guilt across her brow.
But I didn’t, continuing to plow forward with the words I’d apparently needed to say for some time now.
“You don’t get to have me both ways, JJ. I don’t even want one of those ways. Does that even matter to you?”
“Spencer—“ She tried to interrupt, but there was no stopping the words anymore. They would continue to the bitter end.
“Have you really gotten that used to me being your— your fucking lapdog that you think my feelings are at your command? That I would sacrifice everything I’ve built on my own, just to have you?”
I had to stop because I was out of breath and out of anger. There was nothing left, leaving us both uncomfortably numb in her office. This time, when she raised her hand, it was just to wipe a single stray tear from her cheek, knocking it off her hand with a solemn smile.
“I know I am.” I tried to let those four words express all the residual anger, letting it disappear into the air with the sound. She nodded, cleaning any stray makeup from under her eyes before looking back at me with all the love I knew she still had.
“Yeah. You’re right, Spence. I’m sorry.”
Now my emotions twisted into something else; something that no word in my vast vocabulary seemed to describe well enough. A unique blend of jealousy, anger, sadness, and a desperate need for her approval. Was it just its own kind of love? I wasn’t sure, but only one question was running thorough my mind.
“Why can’t you just be happy for me?”
“I am, Spence. I really am.” She walked up to me, noticing that she was about to cross her arms before forcing them back down to her sides. “It’s just that… I feel like I’ve known you for so long and with her you’re... different.”
She nodded again, like the longer she talked, the more her own feelings made sense to her. “But, maybe that’s a good thing.”
“It is, JJ.” I said with a small, sad chuckle, “I’m happy.”
“Maybe some part of me just didn’t want to admit that the team and I... weren’t enough.” Her voice broke at the last two words, and my heart broke a little bit with it.
“It’s not that you guys failed. I just don’t... need you like I used to.”
I had to smile a little at that, recognizing at least a little bit of her behavior as that of a mother whose child didn’t cry for her anymore when she dropped them off at school. I couldn’t believe that she honestly thought she loved me as anything more than a little brother.
“It’s a good thing,” I reminded her.
“Yeah,” she laughed, “It’ll just take some getting used to.”
Taking her hand in mind, I brought her into a hug. She accepted the rare display of physical affection that I actually initiated, silently listening as I tried to reassure her. “I’ll always love you, JJ. Just not like I love her.”
“You deserve to feel that way about someone,” she mumbled into my shirt. She was the one who ended the hug, standing up straighter and smoothing out her blazer. “And anyone who makes you happy is good enough for me.”
“I’m not going to disappear. We’ll still be friends. We always will.”
And just like that, a real smile was on her face again. She bumped me with her shoulder as she passed me, ready to return to the rest of the world. I hoped that this time when I passed through the door, this complicated thing between us would have really, finally, been put to rest.
But before I stepped out of the room, I laughed. She turned back to me with squinted eyes, curious and worried about what exactly made me laugh. “And just for the record, I really think you’ll love her. Once you get past the whole having-a-crush-on-the-same-guy thing.”
JJ just rolled her eyes, flinging the door open and turning to hide her very obvious blush. “Shut up, Spence.”
“I’m just saying!” I called, trying to follow her as she practically bolted down the steps, “Must be really awkward!”
But if I thought that was awkward, it was nothing compared to how I felt immediately after the words left my mouth. Because I caught sight of my very anxious girlfriend standing at my desk, turning to the sound of my voice.
She gave me a small wave that I quickly returned, not thinking about the fact I had just given JJ a full 30 second head start to get to her first. Which she did, and by the time I had returned her wave, the two were already speaking in hushed tones.
Rushing down the steps while trying to look like I wasn’t in a hurry was ridiculously difficult. I was proud of myself for only stumbling twice along the way.
It didn’t matter anyway, though, because by the time I got there (y/n) was happily giggling with the woman I had just been yelling at. That pleasant sight told me that the JJ I knew and loved, who had been my family for years, was back. Any trace of resentment or jealousy had vanished from her demeanor. For the first time that day, I smiled one of those smiles that take up your whole face.
It was one thing to see the woman I loved happy, but to see her happy with the other people I loved? Well, that was just spectacular.
“What are you two talking about?” I asked, taking a few more slow, small steps back to (y/n), who was now confident enough that she didn’t feel the need to hang off my arm. I kind of missed it, but knew it was for the best.
“I was telling (y/n) about that one time you were at a conference and dropped the microphone three separate times while talking because you wouldn’t stop moving your arms.”
I knew I was blushing; I could feel it. Still, I pretended like that wasn’t happening for my own sanity, trying out a little more self-deprecating humor to hide my own embarrassment. “Which time? There’s been more than one, no?”
“I could also tell you about the time he had too much to drink at my house — you know he’s a lightweight — and ended up passed out on the floor in Henry’s room because he couldn’t fit on the bed with him.”
“Awww, I want to hear that one!”
“Isn’t that the whole story?” My voice did that thing where it jumped octaves, with the last syllable of the sentence hardly audible.
“No, there’s more. Anyway, so get this—“ The two started to walk off before I could stop them, not that I really wanted to.
I stood at my desk wondering whether or not I should follow them, but decided against it. After all, what are sisters for if they don’t tell your girlfriend embarrassing stories the first time they meet?
“No way! She pulled him in the pool? That’s hilarious!”
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