She sits there on the cold November night. She's been through this many times before. It was seconds from one when they got the call they knew was coming. As soon as they heard the ringing they knew it, so when they picked up the phone the woman on the other side was just confirming what they already knew. It's been 24 hours now, and shes sitting alone, and she thinks about the first memory she has of losing someone.
She couldn't be more than four, it was rainy. Everyone had nice clothes on, there were others kids, they were also dressed nice. The kids were running and playing games with each other while the adults spoke in soft tones, even as the kids played they weren't nearly as loud as they could've been and yet they were still told to be quieter. At some point the kids decided they needed to walk up to the coffin and look at the man laying inside, but that wasn't good enough for them, they then asked if they could touch him. The girl didn't play with the others kids, nor did she follow them when they chose to walk up and softly pet the man.
Days later the girl got up in the middle of the night and padded across the hall to her parent's bedroom. She made her way over to her mother's side of the bed, tears streaming down her face. She softly nudged her mother and croaked out a broken "Mom". Her mother woke and asked what was wrong, the girl began crying harder and tried to quiet her sobs. She painstakingly tried to explain why she was crying which in turn made her cry harder. Eventually, she got out what was upsetting her so much and between her hiccuped sobs she told her mom "I don't want to die". After a while of her mother reassured her that she doesn't have to worry, that she won't die, not for a very long time. Eventually the girl calms down and goes back to bed.
For years the girl refused to go to a funeral, because she always remembered that first funeral and in relation, her own mortality. After many years an estranged aunt passed away, her grandfather's sister, so they went to the funeral. When her grandfather's shoulder shook she hugged him and tried to comfort him. She never shed a tear, because somehow, the girl began thinking crying would be a sign of weakness. The girl hates when others pity her, pity is not what she wants.
For a while there weren't many losses, but there were far too many hospital visits. Far too many close calls. Too many visits when they didn't know whether this visit would have a happy ending or not. Unconsciously the girl turned to things to keep her mind off of everything happening. She found comfort in books. She found comfort in the character's lives instead of her own, because a character's life always ends with the loose ends tied up nicely. It was always easier to live the life of a fictional character.
There were others the girl never knew, but her family did, and so they went to the funerals. She learned quickly how to operate at funerals. Smile softly, happily greet people even if you don't know them, answer questions and politely ask "and how are you?", nod and comfort them if need be. But never shed a tear in another's company.
There came a time when the one they lost was someone the girl knew, her uncle. Everyone milling around would calmly walk by her, maybe gently touch her shoulder and wonder how she was doing. She'd put on a soft smile and tell them she was fine, her eyes wouldn't shed a tear, not until it was very late that night and she was alone would she let her tears flow. She would start thinking about her uncle, and his death, and then she'd start thinking about her mortality, she would cry a little harder and then she'd fall asleep with tears still in her eyes.
On rare occasions even when there was no loss, sometimes her mind would run off on its own late at night, and eventually reach the thought of a possible death. She'd start thinking about the life she had ahead of her. Happy, right? She'd think about finishing school, getting a job, finding love and getting married, having a couple kids, maybe her kids having kids... and then her death. She'd then start crying at the idea of death, wishing as hard as possible that she could just stay in that exact moment. It never worked, no matter how many times she wished, time kept going.
Two months after her uncle passing away her great grandfather passed away. She had been close to him, but she was far too prideful and wouldn't let herself cry, again, not until she was alone that night.
Then when the girl was fifteen she was called out of school because her grandmother was going to the hospital. Soon after they got to the hospital the girl's other uncle's girlfriend came rushing into the hospital lobby. At first nothing seemed wrong, but then she got closer and the girl saw she was crying. She told them her uncle was dead, the girl's mother was practically in hysterics. The girl took her mothers phone and went to call her father for him to head over to the hospital because her mother needed him. She went back to her mother and found her uncle's girlfriend having slid down the wall and a stranger from the lobby trying to comfort both her mother and her uncle's girlfriend. Even after the girl finished calling people, having to tell people over and over something that was just unbelievable, she didn't cry. For two weeks after that her grandmother went from bad to okay to worse and worse, and then she too passed away.
Her grandmother passed away the day after Thanksgiving. The holidays that year weren't as uplifting, and cheerful. There wasn't much Christmas joy going around for them. The girl's mother started prying more about looking into colleges. That Christmas season the girl could have often been found in the middle of the night crying. After having so much death, and then her mother making her think about the future made it a quick trip for her to start thinking about her own death more and more. At this point you probably think the girl was suicidal, she wasn't, she feared death too much to purposely harm herself.
Three years after her great grandfather, the girl's great grandmother passed away too. She sat alone in her room and heard her parents calling to see how she was doing the night before she passed. The girl only cried after they buried her grandmother net to her grandfather.
A few more months came and went, the girl's mother pressed more and more about the future. The girl kept telling herself that she would have to tell her mother one day. That day came, they were sitting in the living room of their home, her mother again brought up the future. The girl took a breath, she wanted to calmly explain things. She had explained it a dozen time in her head, and yet when she went to tell her mother that after all these years the girl still feared death. The girl sat on the couch across from her mother and started explaining, she barely got out a few words before her voice broke and the tears came. Once again tears streamed down her face and she choked out words, and sobbed out "I don't want to die". Her mother eased up a little after that.
A few months later and we're at the beginning of this story. It's been 24 hours since the girl's grandfather passed away, they got the call and rushed over. They waited in his room for hours, waiting for a couple family members, the girl just sat there quietly. Her mother called people, her voice breaking every time she said the words "He's gone". The girl sits and thinks about this, about all of this. She thinks about how death is the one constant she's had in her life. Death has come for her family members, and one day will come for her.
She sits alone, on a cold November night, knowing this month will always be tainted in her memories.
amandla
titsay
vaporwave
