what does death feel like? i donât know yet,
i know what it feels like suffering before you would die, but again,
Death is there...waiting for me, it could wait;itâs just i know i wonât feel pain then, or at least thatâs what i want to believe.
Everyday, I get to see her face, I canât get to her and I donât know how to ask her out, so every night, i feel like i want to kill myself.
I want to Live, but i also want to just die, but then again, suffering is that reminder.
I want to kill myself, but I donât want to suffer,
I want to ask her out, but I donât want to suffer through the hardship of rejection;
lol iâve been rejected so many times it became just a simple numbing feeling.
I have this radio i put on every night for the past six years to make me lose sleep. Itâs a very loud and annoying radio station but Fortunately it does not harm my nextdoor neighbors.
i feel that if i have this on every night, i feel that it would help take most of my sleep away because, i choose to be annoyed by this.
I have the power to fucking unplug it, itâs at arms length, hell, itâs just eight inches away from my head.
I choose to have it on, I choose to fucking get annoyed by it, yet again,
i have the power to fucking turn it off.
When i turn it off,
everyone around me wonât be able to hear it anymore, complete silence;wrong...not in my case. smh.
Again i canât sleep because itâs loud and annoying, I donât like the silence, but that silence feels so fucking great for just twenty seconds.
Sometimes i just turn it off because I want to feel good about myself, I could just fuckin turn it off lol...nothing happens...but
silence.
When itâs finally silent,
itâs fucking not. smh.
They are still arguing, noise can still be fucking heard at one o clock,
so no sleep anyway, but silence.
I promise you, if you canât enjoy one hour of complete silence,
if you canât enjoy one hour to your goddam fuckcing self, because you fucking earned it,
if you canât enjoy not even 45 minutes, nor 35 or 15...
i promise you that those small 20 seconds of your goddam life, fucking just 20 fucking seconds of your fucking life,
i promise you, if you can enjoy that small fucking moment,
and if you can remember how short that was,
if you can appreciate those seconds in the same way as one hour...
...just remember, itâs the same, just shorter.
Enjoy it.
I still have shitty tools, I still have to make a shitty cake.
There is beauty in something ugly as fuck.
Iâm typing this because, Iâm still alive, I donât really care if itâs read, but
it can ruin someoneâs day. It can murder someone slowly.
It can hurt someone,
It can hurt me at the end of the day.
IÂ choose to find something beautiful in something ugly because that takes time,
and time, that âs a long time to search for something beautiful in a pile of shit.
Itâs going to take a long assss time,
I guess i can live longer if i choose to believe there is something beautiful in something ugly.
I want to take the time to find something beautiful, rather
I would like to explore it because, I donât know everything about it.
Everytime i type shit like this,
thanks for staying by the way,
Everytime i type shit like this, itâs usually after a failed attempt to kill myself.
Talk to someone,
...if you canât wait to save time and money to actually talk to a professional,
your left with yourself, a person who is inexperienced. Let me ask you a simple question,
Do you know everything in the world?
Do you know what the other person is thinking about?
How do you know what will happen if you havenât tried it, yet you believed you tried it many times.
Itâs that stupid one percent, so stupid itâs needed to achieve a high percentage, or 100%....itâs just that one thing you need to finally move the fuck on. You ainât gonna type shit like this anyway when you move on.
So here goes, youâve made it this far:
I have to start thinking realistically,
yeah i know iâm not smart or talented enough to get to her,
i can give in return a smile thatâs honest, <--THATâS WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO LEARN HOW TO DO. My smile is believable, my âheyyyyyy how are you, i miss youâ, is believable...according to the other people I try my best to share this smile with. I get to see them again in a couple of years, because I just wanted to try my best to smile and say hi back to them.
This insanity in my life will eventually kill me.
Talk to someone.
If you canât talk to someone,
be in the same insanity where i stay in:
I do talk to someone, they respond back, i get to hear the sound of their sweet voice, but
i fool myself in fantasy every night.
Do whatever the you fuck want, (I always tell myself) just remember what happens when you lose that ability!
Itâs funny how i made five women on here force themselves to move the fuck on and find someone and/or something to Love.
rofl, iâm going to work on myself more and more,
iâm going to work for the things that are hard because anyways i canât even get any access to it.
iâm going to try to continue to appreciate the little things in Life because I think that is hard for me to do.
iâm 31 rofl. Never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend. I want one but i donât want one.
i HAVE to do something with my Life.
For whoever reads this,
iâm really sorry man, i donât know what else to say to you, but when someone said to me,
âI Love You...â,
when someone said to me,
âI Love Youâ and âYou are lovedâ and
âYouâre appreciatedâ...
when they said those words to total strangers like myself,
I placed my belief in them and in that small sentence,
I can say , it kinda worked, it made me feel a little bit better.
Music also kinda helped, exercise kinda helped, working kinda helped too.
If you can drive casually everyday, you shouldnât even be on here. I donât drive yet, because I am scared that i donât have enough common sense to get there.
Hereâs the reality, I am MORE scared of being rejected after asking someone out than i am getting into a car accident; how fucked up is that shit. Thanks for reading.
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