I'm trying to figure out how to deal with relaps. This is the longest I've gone without it, almost eight months. I'm so upset that I lost all that. Also it felt SO good to do it I'm afraid it'll happen again. My friend wants me to promise not to do it again, and I'm trying my best, everything's just difficult and scary and I don't want to face it. I don't know how to tell them I can't make that promise. I don't know what to do about any of it
okay. listen. this is one of the hardest things, in my opinion, about self-harm. so i’m gonna tell you what I try to do/tell myself, and what other people have said to me, but the bottom line is: relapse happens. self-harm, for a lot of people, is an addiction. it’s also a better alternative than killing yourself. so just know that taking a step back isn’t the end of everything. it’s awful and it’s painful and it feels like you’ve lost everything, but you haven’t. that progress you made? that’s still completely valid.
so when I have relapsed in the past, my immediate concern is taking care of myself. keep any wounds clean, handle any physical pain with the utmost delicacy, drink plenty of water, blah blah blah all that stuff. to the point of ridiculousness sometimes. i let myself be fragile and delicate and i take care of myself. that helps me focus on the recovery over the relapse itself. i also tell myself that i’ve recovered and relapsed and recovered again. every single time, i’ve recovered. i’ve kept going. so have you. try to make that your focus. at the very least, tell yourself that once in a while when those hard, terrifying thoughts come in.
as far as your friend goes…I mean, they have your best interest at heart. But you’re right. you can’t make that promise. and that’s something a lot of people can’t understand. but like i said, this is an addiction. it’s more than just a power of wills.
i recently started doing this…sort of bargaining plan as a coping mechanism. i’m gonna try to put it into words here because it’s kinda weird but. basically, self-harming is better than suicide. if that’s an alternative you have to take, then take it. but do something first to put it off (bear with me here). for example, advice i always give people is, if you’re absolutely about to self-harm, snap a rubber band on your wrist or hold ice to your skin (if the pain is the draw) or draw on yourself where you’d usually self-harm (if the sight is what you need). another option is, when you get to that point, pick up the phone and call someone. or text them. or get on tumblr and talk to someone. or play stupid games like candycrush or temple run or whatever until you’ve run out of lives on every single one of them. another thing someone suggested to me was to set a timer. when i feel like i’m about to hurt myself, i look at the clock and say, okay, i have to avoid it for x amount of time. if i get to the end of that and i’m still desperate, i can do it. same goes for everything else. if you do those things, if you’ve exhausted your options, and you still feel the need to self-harm, then okay.
this isn’t to encourage self-harm. but like i said, it’s better than the alternative. and it’s an addiction. and sometimes, it’s our way of coping. but if you put that extra step in there, whatever it is, then maybe that will help you step away long enough for the urge to pass. at the very least, you’ll know that you tried, that you’re not weak. and that’s the biggest thing, i think, when it comes to relapse. we’re already telling ourselves so many awful things. but i mean. we’re still here. we’re still fighting. you reaching out is evidence of that. as humans, we mess up. it’s okay. that doesn’t erase the progress you’ve made, or the progress you’re going to make.
