Enter My Mind

These are all personal thoughts of mine, not meant to offend anyone, so, sorry if I do....

[someone-hear-my-screams]

I hate myself to making a playlist of music for when I’m feeling anxious and depressed

I hate myself even more for actually listening to it. I’m listening to it right now

I want the gap between my thighs again. I don’t know what I did

I’m getting my period tomorrow I think

[someone-hear-my-screams]

Wow, I feel like dying and death and depression

Will explain more later...

[someone-hear-my-screams]

I stole $150 from a store today

I bought baby oil, underwear, bralettes, and Christmas lights

It was a good night, now I’m gonna shower

[someone-hear-my-screams]

I feel depressed. I don’t even feel like talking.

But I want to. I don’t know.

Okay

So tonight, my mom, grandma, my mother’s husband (S) , and I went out to dinner. We were celebrating my mother’s birthday which is on the fourth of April.

At first, it was supposed to be my sister and my grandma and my mom and me, but then my sister said she had to work late and couldn’t go.

My mom didn’t tell me that S was going instead. I even told her I didn’t want him to come. I don’t like him. He means nothing to me other than someone who lives in the same house as I do.

So we go, it’s fine, whatever. I can go one night with him and we should be fine.

To start off, you should know that I absolutely HATE it when people are rude to waiters at restaurants. Not even just waiters, but any workers in general, ESPECIALLY those earning minimum wage.

So we had made a reservation and we get there and I tell the host person that we had a reservation. She says it’ll be just a moment because the people at the table before us are just finishing up.

I completely understand, it’s no big deal whatsoever. It’s not the restaurant’s fault. I can wait.

So then S meets us at the restaurant and we’re in like the waiting section. And he goes “what’s wrong? This is what we get for getting a reservation? We made a reservation so we wouldn’t have to wait”

And I’m already annoyed. I’m like WHO CARES. We can wait a few minutes while they prepare the table for us, it doesn’t. Matter.

The host comes by every couple minutes (it needed up being like a 10 minute wait) and tells us that the people just left and they’re cleaning the table and that they’re so sorry. No one else in my group acknowledged him. I felt bad for him. I was also not close enough to him physically to say thank you loud enough for him to hear. I can’t even explain it. He was being nice and I’m sure he felt bad for our table not being ready, he was giving us updates, the least we could do is say Thank You.

Okay so we’re at the table. We order. Just dessert.

The waitress accidentally misheard S and brought him a white wine instead of his dessert. So she brings everything out and leaves quickly. Since his dessert wasn’t there, instead there was a thing of wine, we were all wondering where it came from (we didn’t know that she misheard). I made a joke and said “oh, it came from that *pounts to an imaginary person* cute guy over there, he said you were cute and bought you a drink (to S).” He just looks at me and pretends he didn’t understand the joke. He goes “what?”. And I brush it off. Whatever

Then later. My mother and him are going somewhere for the weekend and my mom wanted to go by train. I tell her that she should, it’ll be fun. But S complains and says that it would be too hard. He says “...then we have to unload all out shit and then take it here and blah blah blah” you get the point. Like whatever dude, it’s just one weekend, take the train. So then I tell my mom that they should just go by train anyways. S says that it’ll be too hard and I joke by saying “oh right I forgot that you have to carry everything and unload everything by yourself and getting an Uber to and from places would be too hard” basically like teasing him. And he looks at me and goes “okay yeah it is too hard I don’t wanna do all that shit” so I’m like “dude, it was a joke, calm down” and he says

He says

..

“It wasn’t funny. Jokes are supposed to be funny.”

I can’t

THIS

THIS

This is what makes me FUCKING INSANE. He can’t take a joke. He gets offended at everything. My sense of humour is very “teasy” and I kinda make fun OF people but it’s meant as a joke. Everyone that I tease KNOWS that and doesn’t care. I make fun of people, but I can also make fun of myself, and I can laugh at when people make fun of me (in a teasing way when it’s like a back and forth thing), I think it’s hilarious.

But every little joke I make offends him. And he ALWAYS responds with “it’s not funny. Jokes are supposed to be funny”. He watches stupid, shitty stand-up comedy. One time he listened to a stand up comedian talk for like 20 minutes about how gross and “amazing” birth was. Like dude we get it, a baby comes out of a vagina. But for some reason, to this comedian, giving birth was something so incredibly funny and unimaginable. And the comedian kept repeating himself.

Anyways, that’s what little “sense of humour” (if you could even call it that) S has.

This is was so long but it just happened and it annoyed the hell out of me. I wanted to talk about someone else too, but my fingers are tired of typing.

[someone-hear-my-screams]

What’s up I haven’t been in here in what like a year

I’ve had things to rant about but then I suppressed everything (haha like I always do, I’m a healthy teen) but I feel like this would be somewhat entertaining

Who wouldn’t wanna read about a teenage girl’s stupid and irrelevant and small struggles

I should even be complaining

I have everything I should need to survive

I have a mom that loves me and I live in a house and I have my own room. And I have a job and a car and a phone and lots of clothes to wear and I have money and food. I shouldn’t be complaining about anything. Which is why I always try to just keep all my complaints to myself. There are other people with more things to worry about. And here I am being a bratty teenager that doesn’t know any real world struggles.

I know. I’m just being annoying.

Anyways

I think I’ll be back soon.

Although literally no one sees this cause no one cares and I have no followers on this blog. I kinda like it. A void for me to scream into and let everything (everything?) out.

Things I wouldn’t normally tell actual people out of fear that might find me annoying.

I have much to tell. Soon.

[someone-hear-my-screams]

Oh my god you were so beautiful today Your navy blue corduroy button up shirt looked very pretty on you, E And your piercing green eyes as I asked for your help made me almost forget how to breathe And I made you laugh And oh your laugh Your laugh is one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard, and the way you smile while you laugh....absolutely breathtaking You just look so beautiful, but you're leaving soon I just want to stare at you forever, E

[someone-hear-my-screams]

Honestly I'd consider taking any type of theatre class just to be with E

[someone-hear-my-screams]

!!! E helped me with a question I had for my photoshop class Oh my god she's so beautiful, and her BOWTIE and her HAIR oh my god I couldn't stop smiling I sit right next to her too, so it's kinda hard to not notice her She's perfect

[someone-hear-my-screams]

Oh my god E is wearing a bow tie, she's so beautiful

[someone-hear-my-screams]

If my sign teacher could stop being ACTUALLY so fucking annoying and rude maybe I’d like the class He can fuck off Okay that’s all, I’m shaking I hate him so much

[someone-hear-my-screams]

M's team win the stage championship!! And everyone wanted pictures with her!! All over Instagram people were posting pictures of M and she looked stunning. It is frustrated, it doesn't know what it want, we both don't know. I just want M. Maybe to be friends with her, or maybe something...more? It might like it... I'm jealous of everyone that talks to M I just wanna be a part of her world. And for her to be a part of mine.

[someone-hear-my-screams]

OH and let me tell you about some freshmen girls standing in front of me on the bleachers... They are the FAKEST bitches I've ever seen. One of them, or all of them I guess, has a crush on this one senior guy and they made it VERY CLEAR that they want to fuck him. Like, calm down... I swear to god...I hate them and I don't even know them

[someone-hear-my-screams]

Today I went to the women’s basketball team quarterfinals for my school. I mostly just went so I could miss half the day of school, cause my school was encouraging us to go. So I went with my friend and the parking was an adventure, but that’s not really important. I also went cause it meant I’d get to see M play basketball. She was so good, she’s the best on the team. My friend that I went with, C, doesn’t really know M, she just knows I talk about her a lot. So she forgot her name, M got the ball in the thing (I don’t know sports Idk she like made it in I guess) she said “wow, your girl is really good.” your girl. YOUR GIRL. I wanted to scream. I like the sound of that. And obviously I couldn’t say anything so I just said “mhm, yeah, she’s really good at basketball” That made my entire day. M was honestly the best person on the team. My school won, most likely cause of her. I don’t know what to do…I’m so confused, and It is confused. “Your girl” AAAAHHHH asgdjfidbbn

[someone-hear-my-screams]

I can't be alone with my thoughts tonight, it'll be bad

[someone-hear-my-screams]

I'm stressed. I have way too many finals and I'm not ready for them. I've also been feeling super anxious and depressed. I just want to stop...

[someone-hear-my-screams]

Wow I love twenty one pilots so much. Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun are two of the most amazing people in the world. I don't know how they do it. I hope they're proud.

[someone-hear-my-screams]

M presented today and she was so adorable. She was nervous to present in front of the class and I just wanted to hug her. God she’s so beautiful. Every time I think of her It goes crazy. I want her. I don’t know how or in what way, but I just wanna be a part of her life. I at least wanna be friends with her…It shouldn’t mind