M.A.T. @someonestolemyeyes - Tumblr Blog

something very lgbt just happened to me *visibly shaken, haggard and covered in blood *

I recently found out why my mom would never sleep around me when I was a kid. Like she’d never let herself take naps or sleep if I was awake, ever. Or if she did, she would lock her bedroom door. So when I was 6, I was asleep in my bed in the middle of the night when I hear a loud bang, like a pot being dropped and come out to the living room to see my mom standing by the window, with just a huge pile of spaghetti all over the sill, and a pot on the ground, and I ’m like “Are you gonna eat all that?” And ya’ll she get’s BIG MAD and yells at me and chases me to my room but then a little while later a bunch of cops show up and ask me a bunch of random ass questions about my art? Like this one cop lady keeps asking me to draw dragons for her?! And they seem mad as hell

I didn’t want to get arrested so I just never asked my mom for spaghettis after that. Lesson, learned. Don’t ask mom for spaghettis or she’ll call the damn police on you.

So I have this memory in my head, and it goes unquestioned until I say it outload for the first time a few months back and as soon as I say the words “When I was six, my mom called the cops on me for asking for spaghettis” My adult logic slams into place and is like “Hang on. Your mother definatly did not call the police on a 6 year old for asking for spaghetti.”

So obviously that’s not what really went down. I call up my mom to tell her how I remember it and on top of her figuring out why her kid has always been really cagey around spaghettis for the last 3 decades she tells me what really happened.

So on that night, a man tried to break into our house through the front window. It was just my mom, and her kids so she did what she felt she had too and shot him in the head. He’d been wearing a helmet, which landed on the floor under the window.

Now I just want ya’ll to put yourselves in my moms shoes for a minute here. This woman has just taken a human life. The trauma of that- the instant agony, the panic, the guilt, the fear- all of it hitting her at once, her only solace the knowledge that her children are safe. She protected her daughters. No matter the cost to her soul- her children are safe.

Then she looks up and sees her six year old staring at the inside of this mans head before saying “Are you gonna eat all that?”

thedorkdionysia

witchkinggaming-deactivated2022

shapeshiftingsinner

My experiences with having 9/9 trait BPD

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RAGE

Periods of amnesia following intense anger. Not always after valid situations, but it happens regardless. Oftentimes things are said and done that a calm me would literally never do and I only know because someone told me about it. Could possibly be an alter like in did or osdd, but not enough studies have been done to even know.

SELF-IDENTITY/IMAGE

I don’t know who I am. I don’t perceive myself as a person/human. I get confused when I look in mirrors sometimes. Pictures of me look like someone else. In my head I’m more of like, a black ball of goo or a mess of static. I like to draw myself as an animal because I don’t feel like a human. Self-love is a difficult concept because I can’t interact with myself. The only emotions I really feel for myself are negative ones.

ABANDONMENT

Everyone who was supposed to unconditionally support me in my life either wasn’t able, or left me. So I’m going to expect you to, as well. Of course. It causes me constant anxiety, and oftentimes drives me to random pointless apologies and people pleasing.

STRESS-RELATED PARANOIA

I will get delusional thinking when I am upset. One person is being mean to me at work? Well now everyone at work is plotting against me and figuring out how to get me fired. Sometimes it will turn to hallucinations, like seeing a person standing in the road when they aren’t.

EMPTINESS

I have this horrible VOID in my soul that is never fulfilled, I’m always just empty inside. I can’t stand being sober because the void will consume me.

SUICIDAL IDEATION

People like to think when I bring it up, I’m being manipulative.

I’m not, I legitimately want to die in that moment…

I don’t always want to die, like when I’m calm, I don’t. But when my negative emotions get intense enough, it feels like the only possible escape. That there’s no other solution. That it’s all anyone wants anyway, so I might as well.

MOOD SWINGS

Self explanatory, but yknow, more rapid-cycling than Bipolar. I can be happy one minute, then one person says something that makes me full of rage and hurt, and the next moment my happiness never even existed.

IMPULSIVITY

I impulsively will spend money/ do drugs/ drive recklessly/ binge eat/ quit a job/ etc. In response to my negative emotions. I can’t really think logically, only emotionally. So whatever feels best is what I do. It’s not always what IS best, though.

UNSTABLE RELATIONSHIPS

How I feel about people is constantly shifting depending on how I’m perceiving them. Emotional permanence doesn’t exist with me. If someone gets into an argument with me and doesn’t respond for a few hours, I probably think they hate me now, so now I hate them too. But then they come back with a gift, and it’s like the hatred never existed and they’re the best person in the world. It’s so terrible

whydidisavethistomyphone

tiktoks-for-dead-pope

mon3trs

sixpenceee

20,000 watt lightbulb | source

thotsandpreyers

a-book-in-reverse

The neighbors:

scallioncreamcheesebagel

striders

being ignored in my moment of absolute CRISIS

striders

me and the dispute specialist both sitting in silence after i tell him that the customer wants to dispute some “adult purchases” and the dispute specialist looks at the attachment and goes “aw gross” and we both realize that the other knows what the word “ahegao” means