Someone You Know

Coping With Grief and Loss

[mygrievingthoughts]

I didn't get to say a last goodbye. I hugged you like it was some mundane routine we did out of habit. You left my house, went to bed, and just never got up again. No warning.

[someoneyou-know]

Grief is the acute pain that accompanies loss. Because it is a reflection of what we love, it can feel all-encompassing. Grief is not limited to the loss of people, but when it follows the loss of a loved one, it may be compounded by feelings of guilt and confusion, especially if the relationship was a difficult one.

[stay-true-wellness]

Grief-

As defined by Wikipedia “Grief is the response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or some living thing that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed.”

Grief is not something that we only experience when someone we love/care for leaves this life. We can grieve someone who is still living, who no longer may be a part of our lives. There are many ways that grief is expressed. At times it isn’t as obvious as sorrow or depressive slump. It can be disguised as anger or aggression too.

Grief is a feeling that cuts deep, can feel like our heart is being torn from our chest, and can gouge at our soul. 

It is a feeling that can last days, months..even years. 

Grief can be a passing feeling that hits like a ton of bricks from nowhere like a microburst thunderstorm; bringing a flood of tears and hyperventilation for mere moments giving way to exhaustive relief.

Grief is a feeling we can choose to release or suppress.

Suppression can lead to unexplained aggressive outbursts, depressiveness, lack of sleep, lack of appetite, indulging and overindulging in abusive behaviors (drugs, self-harm, etc.)  By suppressing our grief (and emotions) we are hiding from and avoiding our emotions.

Releasing grief can be uncomfortable and messy (queue tears and snot pouring from the face, red puffy eyes). 

A significant difference between the two is that releasing our grief (no matter how ugly it may be) is just that. It’s an emotional release. 

Each time we release our grief, we are allowing ourselves to feel and express what is going on inside ourselves. 

I chose to suppress experiencing grief from the sudden passing of my brother and father for eleven years before I was able to allow myself to process their absence. I stuffed my emotional pain inside and spent a great deal of that time numbing myself and prohibiting myself from processing the losses themselves through using (and at times abusing alcohol.)  

The pain I felt was tremendous. I could not express my sorrow to my mother or my sister, as they were hurting too. I felt that my support group were the friends I made during happy hour at the bar.  While some lasting friendships developed from that time, drowning my sorrows didn’t get rid of them. In times when I wasn’t at the bar, I found that my grief would rear its head in uncomfortable ways. I found that my reactivity and defensiveness only grew over time. I was snapping at people I cared about, taking out my bad feelings on others, and often didn’t feel like I could control it.

By choosing to eat my feelings and suppressing them gave way to them eating at me.

It is through working with a wonderful Healing Arts Practitioner from 2018-2019 that I was able to permit myself to feel and to grieve. I was able to have many tear-filled sessions around expressing emotions, allowing feelings to flow, addressing loss, celebrating the relationships and the time we had together, and choosing to let them go.  I am happy to report that I no longer needed the “emotional crutch” that alcohol seemed to provide, and made the choice to end my relationship with alcohol in the spring of 2019.

Early summer 2020, my mother passed due to an aggressive and seemingly short battle with cancer. The way that I handled her passing was a great contrast to that of my brother and father 13 years prior. I had done much work on healing the relationship that I had with my mother very intensely shortly before her passing, that transformed our relationship in her remaining weeks to that of the mother-daughter relationship that we both always wanted and needed, yet had trouble achieving.  When she passed, I was able to give my feelings space and express them. If I felt like crying, I let the tears flow. 

This ability to allow myself to express my feelings does not mean that there were no dark days, or pain felt. When there is loss, there is pain. 

By allowing ourselves to express and release our pain, we open ourselves back up to experience love, appreciation, and joy.

Some healthy suggestions to help cope with grief-

Join a support group; if you’re comfortable sharing your story with others, support groups can help provide a sense of community during a time of loss. There may be a specific group that specializes in the type of loss that you’re enduring depending on your situation. Try searching Facebook for an online or local group, Eventbrite may have a local event/group meeting in your area. Google may yield some support group options as well.

Grief Podcasts; There are many podcasts available on Spotify.  The Grief Coach is one of many to choose from.

Go for a walk; A short walk around the block or a visit to a local park can do wonders for your body, mind, and soul. Spending time outside can help you to feel connected to nature and bring some peace to your day.

Gratitude; Celebrate and appreciate the relationship that you were blessed to have. Perhaps on their birthday, or parting anniversary date, partake in an activity that you may have enjoyed together in their honor. 

Be kind to yourself; It’s ok to not want to do anything but lay on the couch, listen to what your body needs. Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is to rest. 

Maintain a schedule; Designate time in your day when you’ll eat, exercise, or go outside. Having a structure to your day will help give a feeling of normalcy during a time of many mixed feelings and emotions.

Reach out to friends; Your friends want to be there for you in your time of need, but may not know-how. Take someone up on their “if you need anything, I’m here” offer, and give them a call. Sharing your sorrow will help relieve some pain from you and allow your friend to offer their love and support.

Keep a journal; Write down how you’re feeling on any given day. Write down memories of you and your departed that may help bring you some smiles and laughter in your time of missing them.

Anniversaries

Anniversary dates of passing and birthdays of the person we cared about that’s no longer part of our day-to-day life can have a bit of a sting to them. Let’s be real, “sting” may be putting the feeling very mildly. There are times when those days can resemble a gaping wound that you can’t seem to stop the bleed on. Admittedly, the first few years of these dates are the most difficult to get through. We may feel particularly reminiscent of our relationship with the person, perhaps sprinkled feelings of lament, sorrow, and ache of their absence.  Something you should know, we have the power to choose how these days affect us. 

Suggestions for anniversaries and birthdays-

What can you do to honor that person’s memory?

Was there an activity you enjoyed doing together? If not together, can you participate in their favorite activity?

Was there a special place where you had a wonderful time together that you could visit?

Can you make yourself their favorite meal in their honor?  

Hosting a dinner party with close friends to celebrate their memory might be nice. Sharing memories, love and laughter will help fill your hearts with joy, and your faces with smiles. 

Was there a cause that was special to them? 

Making time to volunteer for that cause or make a donation in their honor can help honor their memory, and bring you a warm feeling knowing that you’ve helped contribute to making someone’s life better. By choosing to spend the day doing things that they enjoyed, or that you enjoyed with them, you’re allowing yourself to appreciate the time that you spent together, and bringing yourself (and possibly others) joy. 

How does it feel to do any of the above? 

Are you able to notice the contrast of feelings when you’re stuck in sadness, as opposed to actively tapping into joy?

There is no timeline for grieving, no rules or steps to follow to “make the pain stop”. Grief is something we will all experience in our lifetime, some more than others, some less than others.  

It is our choice how we decide to approach and address these feelings; 

Will you keep them inside, or allow them to flow?

What feelings will you choose to reflect on?

Resources-

https://www.opentohope.com/radio/

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/38SfR0MWn0wXStq7sG1p5B?si=e8f978d8d1c44d5f

​​https://health.clevelandclinic.org/grief-whats-normal-whats-not-and-13-tips-to-get-through-it/

[someoneyou-know]

deepest sympathies to those who have experienced loss

[someoneyou-know]

To understand how to cope with grief, it is important to understand that the process is not set in stone. It is a process that continues over a lifetime, although it may be more intense in the early days. Once experienced, you will always feel the pain. There is no cure for grief, and the only way to minimize it is to avoid it. This will actually teach your brain to fear grief and to try to avoid the pain altogether.

You must learn how to express your feelings, and not try to be strong or brave. The more you try to suppress your feelings, the longer you will remain sad. In addition, pretending that everything is okay will only irritate your situation, make you feel worse. Talking about your loss to a friend or family member will not make your grief disappear, and hiding it will only increase your isolation. A supportive family and close friends will understand, and they can help you get through it.

To cope with grief, identify a support system. You can turn to friends, family members, or co-workers for help. If you can't find anyone to talk to, try calling a friend or a loved one. This way, you can give them your feelings and support them in whatever way they come. A friend or family member will be there to listen to you, so that you can offer comfort. It will also help you feel less lonely.

Don't isolate yourself from your friends and family. Being around people who are in your life can help you cope with your feelings. Your friends and family will understand if you are avoiding social interactions. If you are feeling isolated or hopeless, try talking to a mental health expert to get some help. A therapist will help you sort through the depression and move on. Whether you are dealing with a loss or a life-changing event, talking to a therapist can be helpful.

While you may feel awkward and uncomfortable when trying to comfort someone, remember that it is important to reach out to people who are grieving. The sadness and loneliness that follow can lead to physical problems, so make sure you give your friends and family a chance to comfort you. If you have a friend or relative who died unexpectedly, he or she will likely be glad to talk with you and help you deal with your grief.

Despite the common misconceptions about grief, the symptoms of grief can be difficult to hide. Many people feel ashamed about their feelings or think that they are weak or lagging behind. It's important to acknowledge that you are grieving, and you are not alone. You're not alone. You are not the only person experiencing this type of loss, and you don't need to feel ashamed of your emotions. It's a normal part of being human.