I was showering and I remembered a lot of things my mom has said to me in the past.
I'll list them so I can finally forget them, and there's no specific order cuz I have no concept of time, therefore I can't remember when any of them happened.
1 - I told her she wasn't being fair cuz I wanted more freedom, she told me that life wasn't fair. I was stuck taking care of my newborn nephew and my older sister.
2 - She started suspecting I was a lesbian (which I'm not but I'm still part of the LGBT community), and she offered to take me to get snacks and drive us to some parking lot to lecture me about it, saying homosexuals were sick people, that she understood but it wasn't natural.
3 - She told me that I had no right to be sad or angry because she and my dad gave us everything to my sister and me, which is not true, the amount of times I didn't eat or had to live off sandwich at that time because bread and ham was everything I could afford... I was 16 and plain ham sandwiches are still one of my favorite foods.
4 - My sister has no sense of responsibility, so having a baby was pretty difficult for both of us since my mom was always traveling and my dad moved to another city. I complained about my sister being awfully irresponsible with her kid, and how I always ended up taking care of him even if I was burning in fever (which was worrying to me since he was a baby) and she, my mom, told me that I had to be more understanding and change because my sister would never do it. Today I don't live near my baby, I have a niece with developing issues that my nephew doesn't have and they still refuse to acknowledge how big of a job I did raising my baby boy. Still both of them are everything to me and the reason I'm still here, even if no one knows that.
5 - I failed in school more times than anyone should in their life, and my mom was a top student... Even if I got points over a perfect score she would tell me I could have done it better. Not only that she made sure to tell me once that her love wasn't unconditional, that I have to work harder.
6 - She says she supports me as a part of the LGBTQ community, but the moment I say something about it she looks annoyed and awkward, I can't talk to her about literally anything unless we're outside and she wants to look like a good mom, or unless it's some gossip. She sees us as entertainment, that until my homophobic dad and/or sister are here, then she sides with them saying it's not natural and kids shouldn't have two moms or two dads because that'd confuse them. Guys... Out there people actually have same sex relationships and kids have same sex parents, I think it would be even more confusing to them if they hide reality.
7 - When I told her I was probably autistic, hence neurodivergent, she told me that it was okay and she understood, that she thought I was a very high functioning autistic person and that it was fine because she knew how to deal with me already. She's never done that at all, every time I had to adapt to them and if I couldn't she would call me rebellious, even though I was never really problematic. Two days ago I told her I had social anxiety, not only I've had it my whole life, it got worse after a lot of times I've been harassed and almost abused, and she asked God to give her more patience because she was tired of people from my generation being so "weak" and having so many mental issues.
8 - She said once that she couldn't trust me because I didn't get the time to clean the house for her party because I had to run some errands for said party...
9 - Yet she made me walk an hour in a new city to give her her phone she forgot at home. She always had a car and she wouldn't have made more than 20 minutes. That same thing happened with her laptop.
10 - As I said before, I'm not a good student and I have never been. This means I got caught often skipping classes or forgetting my homework at home. One of those times my parents were actually called and only my dad went to the appointment, she said she didn't want to go because she was sleeping. Same thing happened with a homework I urgently needed to pass and, honestly, that wouldn't even bother me if it wasn't for the previous point. But I have to always be there for her even if It's not the same for me.
That's everything I can remember for now.... I'll probably update this list in the future, hoping my resentment towards her disappears one day. I know I'm probably being unfair but, from the moment they say they don't love you because you're not working hard enough and you're doing your best everyday, everything changes and something breaks inside you.
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