NeptuneDreamAgent

[sometimesdreamagent]

Dear God(dess) 41

Dear God(dess), 

Thank you for 37 or so years with my mom. thank you for the 8 months beyond her diagnosis. while i hate that she suffered and struggled and was sick, i’m so thankful for the time, even if i feel like maybe i didn’t take enough to be with her. i am so full of hurt and longing and rage and sadness and gratitude that she was my mom that it hurts to even think or breathe sometimes. everything fucking hurts. i find myself caught in little moments of wanting to share things with her, hear her perspective, and she’s not here. at least not physically anymore. and my goodness, the indignities she endured the last month of her life... it makes me so sick at heart to know that she was so miserable physically, and ultimately, so scared. there was literally nothing i could do to help, but i was there. i tried to be. maybe not as much as i should’ve been, but i tried. 

i just can’t wrap my brain around the fact that i will never see her again. it hurts in a deeply profound way that cuts so hard and so deep. sometimes it feels like nothing has changed... and then it hits me all over again. 

i just hope she’s no longer in pain. that she’s able to do the things she wants to do wherever she is. that she’s able to see Grandma again, and Grandpa, and that she can just enjoy whatever her existence is now. i hope she knows that i’ll be okay and that i’ll do my best to make sure my girl is and that she grows up well. i miss her so much but i’m so glad she isn’t suffering. it just hurts like hell. 

[sometimesdreamagent]

Dear God(dess) 39

Dear God(dess),

i’m a single mom. those are words i thought about, but never really knew would become true for me. i knew it was a possibility. i knew it was something i could face at some point. i even thought i could be good at it. and here i am, doing it. being it. living it. and you know what? i’m okay. i feel good about what i’m doing as a mom, as a single mom. i feel good about the way i’m raising my daughter, even with all the turmoil bubbling around her. i worry about her, of course, but i don’t worry about her. 

my mom wasn’t a single mom, not in truth. my stepdad was around, but wasn’t much of a dad, so she acted and did the things a single mom does. i feel confident that what i’ve learned from her is shaping and informing my mom experience. i am fortunate to have a mom who is strong, loving, tough, and supportive. she expected (and still expects) a lot of me, but she is also always there to give me strength when mine falters. she’s always been my biggest cheerleader, my greatest advocate, my toughest audience, and the most supportive, encouraging, and fortifying. i’m so lucky to have the mom i do. 

i’m ready to be a single mom. i’m not ready to lose my mom. i read this poem by Rupi Kaur and it made me cry thinking about what may come:

what if there isn’t enough time to give her what she deserves do you think if i begged the sky hard enough my mother’s soul would return to me as my daughter so i can give her the comfort she gave me my whole life

the diagnosis is not certain. we don’t know a lot of the details yet. there is a lot still to figure out, but i am praying with all of my heart and soul that it’s not cancer. not this cancer. not any cancer. i want my daughter to grow up knowing her grandma better than i knew mine. i want my mom to see the woman my daughter becomes. i want them both to experience this life with me, selfishly, together, the three of us. i want us to have adventures together, laughter together, time together. i want all the time. i am selfish. i don’t want to do this without my mom. i don’t want to travel this world without her in it. no one is ever ready for death, i get that. no one is ever ready to lose their mom. but i really, really, really am not ready. not now, not in five years, not in 10. i want her to know my daughter. 

and so, as always, i ask for strength. i ask for time. i ask for my mom to be here, to stay. her job isn’t done. it can’t be! I still need her! i could give a whole litany of reasons why... but really, it’s just that simple. i don’t want to lose my mom. i don’t want her to be in pain. i don’t want her to suffer the indignities that cancer means. i don’t want to be without her. i just want more time with my mama. please, give me more time. 

[sometimesdreamagent]

Dear God(dess) 38

Dear God(dess),

i’ve made it this far and i’m doing okay. yet, here comes another stunning blow in the midst of existing craziness: Cancer. not for me, but my strongest advocate and ally, my rock, my source of strength... it’s not definitive yet, and we’re expecting a call later with more information, but the potential diagnosis is pancreatic cancer, one of the most difficult and deadly. and i’m fucking terrified. So, god(dess), i’m asking for your continued help and support. i know you have a larger plan at play  here, but i am not ready to lose my mom. at no point is any kid ready to lose their parent, but i really, really am not ready. she’s supposed to see me into old age and my girl into her thirties, longer than i had my grandma. her husband has already lived through this once; he shouldn’t have to do it twice. there are so many reasons this shouldn’t be, and all i’m asking for is that it not be. she needs to live for so many reasons. i don’t want to lose my mama. she always used to say that if anything ever happened to me she would just wither and blow away... i feel like that’s what will happen to me without her. i have my girl to anchor me, but who will bolster me? i can’t ever imagine a life in which she isn’t there, day in and day out. i can’t imagine functioning without her. 

god, please give us both strength to get through this and fight whatever fight is coming on top of the one we’re already fighting. also, please give us a chance... do’nt consign her to this misery. she still has a job to do here on earth. 

[sometimesdreamagent]

Dear God(dess) 35

Dear God(dess),

give me the strength for this fight. it’s on. first shots fired out the gate and he thinks to cow me. i will not be pushed over. i will not be intimidated. i will not show fear. i will bank my anger into a cold rage that will fuel the fire needed to maintain me through this. i will channel it into productivity, list making, planning, and courses of action to be followed. i will keep my daughter safe, stable, and ensure that her well-being is my priority. because what it comes down to is her. she’s my priority. she’s the reason for all that i’m doing and she’s #1 in my life. if it means i have to fight, then i will fight with all that i have in the smartest manner i can. i’m a planner and organizer. i can do this. i have resources and know how to use them. and i will. 

help me be calculating in this and not impulsively emotional. continue to provide me spaces and opportunities to be emotional so i can vent the pain and anger and fear without it affecting the long game. help me find the detachment necessary to win this fight while i stay present for her. 

today has been hard and i’m exhausted, but tomorrow is another day. 

[sometimesdreamagent]

Dear God(dess) 34

Dear God(dess),

please help me reign it in. my blood is boiling and my heart hurts. i am getting defensive and feel backed into a corner. i do not want to go scorched earth in this situation, but if i have to, i will. if pushed, i will. i feel i’ve been generous given the circumstances, but if there is going to be a fight, i’m going to win. please help me keep my temper, though, and be strategic about my approach. please help me keep my ducks in a row and get everything ready to do heavy battle if that’s what’s necessary. i don’t want to have a fight... i’d rather he just walk away, but i will do what i have to in order to keep my daughter safe. 

and on that note, think you could convince him to just awalk away? that a fight with me would be futile because i am willing to do the work to get what i want? when he couldn’t even be bothered to do the work for us as a family when we were together? think you could just whisper in his ear that he’s better off alone, without either of us, and that he can pursue his career and money and not worry about being a partner or a parent? think you could tell him that he may as well just pick up the pieces of his life and move forward rather than trying to take back what’s been done? convince him it’s not worth it to fight me, please. 

please give me the strength to just go it alone. i don’t want to be with anyone right now, just my girl, and i don’t want to have to split focus. i just want to lavish her with love and stability and create the life that we deserve without having to fight day in and day out. i can forgo a “real” relationship or a “real” romance to be her mom and just make her my priority. i can focus on work and on her and be the best parent i can be, while creating structure for her that he wasn’t willing to help me enforce. i can straighten out her little limbs and help her grow into a healthy person... i can and i will, and will be so much more able to do that if i don’t have to fight with him all the time to do it. 

please give me strength and wisdom and focus. please protect me and protect her. please help us find our footing and balance and avoid the added stress of a long, drawn out fight with someone who didnt’t really want us anyway. 

[sometimesdreamagent]

Dear God(dess) 33

Dear God(dess),

well, i took that step. shit went south quick on Sunday, and in two days we bounced out. protective order in place. accounts locked down. i did all i felt was right and fair in settling bills, given where he currently is and how he generally functions, and now it feels like i’m being kicked for my efforts and that he’s going to fight me tooth and nail. i’m ready to fight if i have to, though i’d rather we just call it done and he leave me to my own devices with the girl. i can only imagine how fucking angry he is and how nasty he is going to be because no matter what, all he’ll see is that it’s my fault. all of it. 

please help me maintain the energy for this fight, if it comes. help me keep my cool and not lose my shit if he presses me. i feel he’s willing to use the protective order against me and it result in payments not made and my credit being fucked. please give me the strength to cull my resources and make the best use of them. help me keep my heart locked down tight and keep it discrete so it can’t be used against me either.  

help me understand how best to protect myself and girl. help me figure out a way to get through this without it ruining her or me. i don’t want to ruin him, either, but as i’ve always maintained, i’ll do what’s necessary to keep my girl safe. please keep me safe. please keep me protected. help me keep my wits about me and be aware of my surroundings and the goings on. help me be prepared. help me be strong. i could use some divine guidance as i navigate these scary waters. 

[sometimesdreamagent]

Dear God(dess) 32

Dear God(dess),

i suddenly have all these other doubts and fears in my head... and they have no right to be there. i have no right to jealousy or possessiveness. i have no right to feel guarded... i don’t actually think he’s lying to me... but i’m insecure and scared. 

i’ve been talking more. telling my truth to certain people. i’m glad to say what i feel needs to be said and build awareness amongst those i know will love me regardless, but it’s scary to see their reactions and understanding that i helped create this. i’m a victim and yet not a victim. it’s frustrating, but at least i’m becoming aware of all of it. 

please help me find my way. i’m suddenly slightly more confused than i was before and slightly more scared. please give me guidance and strength to walk the talk and be vulnerable and open to the truth. i so want to be loved in the manner i think i deserve by the person i think could best do that, even if it looks like a step back to others. it doesn’t change how i feel, although i am scared it’s all smoke and mirrors and games again. 

[sometimesdreamagent]

Dear God(dess) 31

Dear God(dess), 

thank you for the gift of February that appears to be closing out with no major shakedowns or blow ups. i’ve come to expect that the month of my birth will be the biggest ass kicker of the year because the last 8 or so years have given me that. thank you for allowing this one to be a break and a relief from that pressure. i hope that the remaining three hours of this last day of the month will maintain that level of chill and that i can leave February with some delightful memories of good times had. 

and now my continuing wish: please guide me through the coming days, keep me safe, and help me find my peace. i continue to do the work and make the effort to learn about myself and what i need. i’m coming closer to a decision, though i cannot yet take action. any help in this area would be greatly appreciated. show me the way forward and the way through, light it with support despite how difficult it may appear to me now. give me some means of figuring out how to make it all happen in time without it dragging on forever. help m create the life i want and envision for my girl and me. i know that it’s not going to be easy and that there will be a struggle, but i trust that i can make it through. i know i’ll have your help and i can count on you. 

any alleviation of the dark thoughts that keep pestering me would also be appreciated. sometimes they are so black that it scares me, but i can’t seem to stop them or redirect them. i haven’t acted on them, but they’re there. please keep me safe. keep my girl safe. keep my love safe. i know i’m in quicksand and my head is above the sand now... please keep above it so i can move forward. i will move forward, and i appreciate your help and guidance. and also your protection. 

[sometimesdreamagent]

Dear God(dess) 30

Dear God(dess),

what am i even doing? what is even going on? i feel like i’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and i have no idea what i’m even looking for anymore. i think i know what i want or know what i think i want and i can see this vague picture of it in my head forming, but how to get there is what i don’t understand or can’t really see. i’m scared of what that entails and the struggle that i think will come as a result. i also can’t tell what are patterns that i’m repeating that will lead me nowhere and what is simply meant to be. i can see a vast overlapping of circles of behavior and i keep wondering... is the one common factor really bad or is it a matter of it being meant to be? i feel like there are so many “coincidences” that it isn’t coincidental at all. and the connection. my goodness... 

i need help. i am trying to do the work. i am trying to find my voice. i am trying to find my strength. i am trying to figure out what is the best possible move forward. please give me guidance. please help me see what is meant to be and the path to travel to get there. i want happiness and peace. 

[sometimesdreamagent]

Dear God(dess) 29

Dear God(dess),

i feel like i’m always pleading for help. i guess i am. and like every time i’ve asked, this time is no less urgent. i have a big climb ahead of me, a big decision to work out and enact. i would appreciate your guidance and strength to carry me through. i guess it’s a move i should’ve made long ago, but have been to scared to do, and in truth, i’m still so scared. i’m working through getting clarity and ensuring it’s the strongest and best choice for my girl and me, but dammit is it hard. i’m pleading with you to get us through this in tact, safe, and whole. i’m pleading with you to make this easier than i think it will be and not as terrifying as i feel it’s going to be. show me the way to make this happen peacefully. show me the way to make it go smoothly as these things can. give me the strength to carry it all on my own shoulders and be the rock and guidance needed to make it through. i’m putting it into your hands to guide me and help make it right. 

xoxo

anxious bird

[sometimesdreamagent]

Dear God(dess) 28

Dear God(dess), 

please show me which direction i should be going. i’m so confused and so lost and i’m trying. i’m really trying. if it wasn’t meant to be, then why does it keep coming back and why are there so many reminders and coincidences that don’t really feel like coincidences so much as signs? if i’m meant to remain, help me find that balance and the help to make it work. i can’t do this alone. i can’t do this as it is; there has got to be some give here and not so much take. i can see two futures and neither of them feels wrong or right. which is the one that i am moving toward? help me. 

[sometimesdreamagent]

Dear God(dess) 27

Dear God(dess),

i’m in need of a little direction, again. a little help. a little ease to help address all the things. i’m conflicted, i’m overwhelmed, i’m anxious, i’m confused, i’m frustrated. i need a good therapist, i know. i’m working on that, too. any guidance you can provide would be greatly appreciated. my heart is so heavy and every choice at this point is breaking it down further. i am repeating the anxiety affirmation to try to see my way through, but i need help. 

love, SDA

[sometimesdreamagent]

Dear God(dess) 26

Dear God(dess),

i am so far at a loss. how in the ever-loving world is it so hard to get a tiny human to pee and poop IN the toilet? i am so far beyond frustrated or upset or disappointed. i don’t even know how to handle a human literally shitting on the floor. ON THE FLOOR. 

so, please universe, god, goddess, world, please help me. give me the patience to live through this and the fortitude to do it calmly and lovingly. i know this is just one of many phases in life, but holy shit. 

help me. 

[sometimesdreamagent]

Me Too

it’s been all over social media. it’s been all over the internet. think pieces, conversations, questions, concerns, criticism. 

it’s so prevalent.

at 6 i remember wearing a short, black skirt. i was sitting just outside the doors of my school by the steps. some teenage boy walks by and makes a comment about my hairy legs. i was 6. 

at 8 there were the boys in the apartment complex who made comments about my developing breasts. that i had them, that other girls didn’t, that i was something, i warranted attention, they wanted to see... i was 8. 

at 13, the end of 8th grade, my year book was stolen by high schoolers. i later found it with dicks drawn all over the inside. the insinuation being that at 13 and as an eighth grader, i was a slut. i’d only just had my second kiss. 

i was 14 when i lost my virginity. i chose that moment and i loved the guy i decided to share that moment with. but the rumors had already started when i was 13 that i wasn’t a virgin. i had a reputation and for nothing more than having a boyfriend, my first at a new school, my only that entire year. 

that summer we broke up, and throughout the summer, this other guy made a game “running into me” wherever i happened to be and smacking my ass with his skateboard. the amusement park - there he was! my special events job - there he was! sophomore year of high school he and his best friend stole my backpack, rubbed my perfume all over themselves and then found ways to brush against me so they could touch me and i could smell them. 

15 years old and i decided it was better to seem promiscuous and own the reputation i’d been given rather than allow someone to use the words “slut” or “whore” against me. i didn’t actually sleep around, but i wore shirts sheer enough to see my bra, wore pretty bras worth being seen, and flirted with anyone and everyone. “ Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.” had i heard those words then, they would’ve been my motto. i was aggressive with the boys to match their aggression and my reputation evolved. 

it didn’t save me from being date raped, though. 15, drunk, and i thought it was my fault he crawled into the bed my friends put me in to sleep it off, thinking i was safe. all of our friends were there, we all were close. it didn’t stop him. and it didn’t stop my boyfriend at the time from blaming me. it was my fault for being drunk. for throwing up and having to change shirts. for needing to sleep it off. for not going home. it was my fault, he said, and years later he would still hold to it that i held some culpability in that situation. 

16 and my boyfriend’s best friend told me he didn’t know if he’d rather beat the shit out of me or fuck me. because he’d never “had” me and never actually would. 

18 and i was enthralled with a dj raver kid. the sex was consensual, but he never asked about my preferences and did things i probably wouldn’t have agreed to had he asked. i was embarassed that i was so young and inexperienced and i didn’t know how to say no to him. 

so many episodes at clubs, coffee shops, walking down the street, just being out in public... between 18-28 it’s a blur of inappropriate comments, propositions, random gropings, lying and saying “i have a boyfriend/fiance/husband,” “i’ve got a girlfiend/i’m a lesbian/i’m not interested,” pretending to be in a relationship with my best friend, starting shit with men twice my size because they wouldn’t take no for an answer, crossing the street to avoid coming to close to men, not getting into elevators with them, being wary if even one was around while i was alone, carrying my keys between my knuckles, carrying pepper spray, avoiding certain places and people, and generally just being uncomfortable by myself. 

it’s never ending it seems. it doesn’t stop. i’m not even sure a week goes by that some man doesn’t say something about my appearance or my body or tell me to smile or make a pass in some way. doesn’t matter when or where... somehow they feel entitled and i’m just supposed to smile and nod and accept it because i have my entire life. because to fight against it makes it worse. i try to explain it to my husband. he doesn’t get it. 

i don’t want my daughter to have these same experience. 

[sometimesdreamagent]

well, shit.

for all my braggadocio ways, i really screwed the pooch with that one and i feel all kinds of remorse and regret. 

i assume. i assume that people know me. that they understand that my complaints... some of them are to be taken seriously and others are just me venting. releasing frustration and anger and stress. and i assume that they will know the difference between the two, even though i say them with the same conviction, the same glint in my eye, the same steely, challenging intonation. how the fuck would anyone know? 

my intention is not to be disloyal, but to speak my deepest, darkest truth as i see it. in plain and cold words that do nothing more than make me look like an asshole, the same as the asshole about which i’m bitching. and no mistake: he is an asshole, but he’s my asshole. i chose him. i love him. i continue to choose to be with him and raise a family and create a life. i do us both a disservice by being so clinically mean about him and his shortcomings. we’re all human. i have them too. would i want someone to be that cold about my issues? 

i need to learn to focus on the good. i need to learn to turn my energy toward positivity, rather than reveling in the negative and giving it a voice. we all have issues. we all have problems. we all experience frustration and selfishness and shittiness. but we all also have the ability to look beyond those things and focus on the good and give voice to the good, allowing it to grow beyond the bad. i need to do that more. i need to praise him, to recognize what he brings to the table, to this life, and acknowledge as loudly as i can that he’s doing the best that he can, because he is. could he be better? sure. but so could i. i need to do that and be that. 

[sometimesdreamagent]

Getting to know myself all over again

1. My ideal day has a hike or walk with my dog in a wooded area that we can freely explore, coffee/cocoa with my daughter, and beer and dinner with my bff and our families. 

2. I wanted to be a choreographer when I was younger. 

3. I’m currently most inspired by the women in my life and all that they do. Between families, school, work, and just life in general, they are so capable and powerful in their own ways. 

4. I would love to meet Shonda Rhimes, Michelle Obama, or Demi Lovato. I would ask Shonda how she organizes her day. I would ask Michelle how she got in the habit of thinking critically and carefully about what was going on and how she could most effectively respond with measured and weighed words. I would ask Demi to tell me more about what helps her and inspires her to stay sober. I keep thinking that’s something I might need to do at some point... 

5. I would most like to break the habit of eating shitty food. I would most like to continue the habit of making my yoga and meditation practice regular. 

6. I truly admire many of girlfriends for their ability to fit into their lives the things that are important to them. 

7. I like to relax with a book, or in a bath, in my hammock, and with my daughter on our pouf.

8. I feel like I take small steps every day to do things I’m afraid of, and they are so small... like just going grocery shopping by myself with my daughter and navigating the trials and tribulations of potty training in public spaces. 

9. I’m most proud of my daughter and the fact that the people at work value my work and efforts. 

10. I’m most afraid of something happening to my daughter. 

11. Hiking more, going to the beach, spending more time with people i love. 

12. I would like to reconnect with an old friend, but I’m not sure that it would be beneficial at this point to reconnect. 

13. I admire perseverance in others. 

14. I wish I were able to cook. 

15. I want to tell stories of landscapes I’ve seen with my daughter and recount those memories with her. 

16. Favorite book is the Kushiel series, favorite movie is Emperor’s New Groove, and favorite song is Music or the Misery by FOB. All because they take me back to feelings I want to relive. 

17. If I could make one change in the world, it would be that people have a desire to educate themselves and stop taking everything at face value. We all need more critical thinking skills. 

18. I love to help my friends’ lives be a little easier... whether it’s cleaning the kitchen, helping organize and keep their kids in line (along with mine), or doing something for them that they haven’t had a chance to do. 

19. Time off excites me. Time out of the house excites me. 

20. I wish I did more hiking. 

21. Pay off my house, car, debt, take a vacation with my family and BFF’s family, and go somewhere with a beach. 

22. My daughter makes me feel the best! I’m so proud of the person she is becoming and how self-assured she is. I want to protect that. I feel the worst about my ability to be a domestic goddess. I am not and I kinda wish I were, but I truly have no desire to do the work it takes to be one. 

23. Kept my job, have my kiddo in daycare, in Flamenco, and involved in our community more. 

24. Advice for 5 year old me: Enjoy being 5. Enjoy your dog, the grapefruit, the beach. 16 year old me: Slow down. Take a step back from the boys. Focus more on school and your community. 21 year old me: Work on yourself. Do not lose yourself in love or your partner. Create healthy habits for self-care and do yoga now. Right now: Go hiking even if it seems daunting to take the girl and the dog alone. Get some pepper spray if it makes you feel better. 

25. I want to be remembered as passionate, active, engaged, and silly. 

[sometimesdreamagent]

Dear God(dess) 25

Dear God(dess),

thank you. for one again giving me opportunities to continue doing what i do. the writing was on the wall, and it was clear that people were going to go. i’m still in shock. i’m still in awe. i’m still blown away and pretty shook that it happened, finally, but it happened. and now here we are. the time to move forward is now. the time to embrace change is now. i am capable of succeeding with this; please continue to create opportunities and allow me to recognize them. i’m so thankful. i’m nervous. i’m scared. nothing is certain, but i still have my job for now. 

also, i’m thankful that i came to my senses about another. i have decided that i’m better off with just the one and that i should work toward lavishing her with love, affection, support, and opportunity, as best i can while i have the means with which to do so. with all that is happening, i really feel this is the best decision for all of us. 

thank you.