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lauramakabresku

The soul sinks into the depths of prayer.

In the boundless, serene light of God’s loving presence,

the thirsty desert within begins to bloom —

fresh grass spreads gently across its barren ground,

and every crevice of old wounds, now heavy with grace,

quietly blossoms into life.

How did I go from writing on here nightly to logging in every other year?

Life is weird. I’m not happy. I used to think I was miserable but I was only young. I didn’t understand that I had so much more time to figure things out… “figure things out”… do any of us know what we’re doing? This is the most “miserable” I’ve ever been. The most afraid I’ve ever been of making the wrong choice, of wasting my time and other peoples time. I don’t understand how everything has been so murky in my eyes, when the last time I knew I needed to break things off with someone it was so clear. Clear as day. What if I stay and I’m not meant to? What if I leave him and I was supposed to work through it? What do I do with my desires? With my yearning for other lives? With my daydreams of what things could be? Am I afraid of being alone? Of starting over? Of being “too old” to start over? There’s so many things to consider but really only one thing- what do I want and need? What do I want to do with my life? I want to be happy. I want to be intelligent and make a lot of money and retire early because I’ll have enough money to not need to work anymore. I want to retire my family. I want to be so in love that I’ll feel like I’ll die if I’m not near my partner. I want to feel so connected that I feel ill. I don’t feel that way… so maybe I have my answers.

Am I talking into the void?

This space used to be my one comfort in the world. It was essentially my journal out on the internet for people to read. Maybe it made me feel less alone? Maybe a little understood? I wrote down my heartbreaks, heartaches, fears, secrets, joys, and fantasies. I wrote longings for things to pass and people to love.

I’m not sure what I’m trying to say or if I’m really trying to say anything.

Anyway, I’m still here in the world. You can find me on instagram @emerlylouise

I have never experienced betrayal in the ways that I have experienced it with you. Sure, I felt it as a seven-year-old when my parents decided to get divorced, but these experiences are not one and the same. My experience with you has fundamentally crumbled the foundation of trust I have grown to be comfortable with over the past decade of people I have chosen to love. This feeling of betrayal has created a tremendous, emotional and mental wound so deep that it seems unimaginable. This relationship has opened a box of hell inside of my brooding heart. It has made my inner peace turn on me and has forced me into a corner that I cannot escape from. A corner of only ever being unhappy with myself.

I don’t like that what you did to me made me feel like I had permission to do the same thing to you too.

I don’t like your rage.

I don’t like how you made me look like a fool.

I hate someone I used to love.

#personal #paul

It’s been an extravagant amount of time.

Am I screaming into the void? Is there anyone still here?

Two years. I’ve experienced betrayal for the first time, have had to face many unsolicited heartbreaks (most of my own doing), and learn unspeakable truths that only seemed logical to place the blame as an act of God. I have hated, loved, fought, rejoiced, and fallen time, and time again. I am heartbroken. Then again, how can the heart heal when such large pieces of it get chipped away at every strike of the hammer?

#personal