M.H.

Lovesick, queer, writer.

[sonderingvalentine]

I mourn…

…his complete openness in the beginning. Now, I fear every message I get is going to be the last.

[sonderingvalentine]

Was my question too hard?

I asked you what you enjoyed about our friendship before. What didn’t you enjoy? What do you want to bring back, what do you want to exile, what do you want to add?

and it occurs to me

again

because I can’t seem to think you actually loved me

because it’s easier to think it was all a lie

even though I can’t see the reason you would lie to me

it occurs to me

that you enjoyed our connection because you thought I was someone else

because you wanted me to be someone else

even accused me of being that person and lying to you

and then you found out I wasn’t her

finally couldn’t deny I was someone else

but you still seemed delighted

so why are my questions so hard?

you are going to go reread a book by some shitty author that you love instead of thinking of an answer

great

fine

go enjoy your life

and leave me thinking on this and overthinking on why you can’t think of an answer

fuck you

again

[sonderingvalentine]

You are mad at me now…

… but I am still that person you fell in love with. Good luck resisting me. Please don’t resist.

[sonderingvalentine]

I like podcasts

I also like kissing.

Philematology (KISSING) with Robin Dunbar — alie ward

Why do we kiss? What makes a good kiss or a bad kiss? How many microbes do we exchange? Is it good for us? One of the world’s most accomplis

[sonderingvalentine]

The podcast that keeps on giving

This American Life started as just a radio show and it was a natural transition to podcast. It has been on air so long. And it is a gift that keeps on giving. This is a rebroadcast, but still, it’s amazing. And that Terry Gross moment, lol. https://www.thisamericanlife.org/174/birthdays-anniversaries-and-milestones

[sonderingvalentine]

When I can’t sleep…

… I write the novel in my head. If the ideas are good they survive until I can write them in the morning.

[sonderingvalentine]

The nerve

I have some nerve

to strike that nerve

because I felt struck

a blow from him

though he had stepped away

and threw no punch

offered no true violence.

But I’m not wrong.

She is dead

his wife is dead

but he lets her interfere.

Or is she an excuse

a romanticized excuse to not to love me.

But did he actually say he couldn’t? not in so many words.

so it seemed. you’re confused?

me, too.

But I had the nerve to point out the obvious.

how could she possibly object?

so maybe he should muse on why it makes him so upset that I would point out the obvious

or maybe I need to keep my mouth shut

[sonderingvalentine]

Wouldn’t it be…

…the most exciting, romantic thing to get on a train to meet your pen pal lover, and in the days on the train anticipating your meeting you are writing a romance novel.

[sonderingvalentine]

What I think about true love

When love doesn’t work out, we often get mad at the potential partner. But maybe we should be mad at people who set our expectations to be so high. Or we could just get more people to read and write realistic romance novels so we could all be on the same fucking page, please.

[sonderingvalentine]

Pen names

Do you ever make up a pen name?

a drag name?

a burlesque name?

What are they? how do you do it? and why don’t you want folks to know exactly who you are?

because I am a woman and many people make devalue femininity.

because people who perform drag and their community are under attack.

because sex work is still stigmatized.

I want you to think about why this is. Give it a really hard think. Ask someone about it. Ask someone about it you don’t agree with. Are they right? Are you sure?

how are we going to learn anything if we are sure we are right all the time?

Meanwhile, I will move through the world with the armor that is my chosen name. This name makes me powerful, and safe. We all have a right to feel this way.

[sonderingvalentine]

Words: satiated

It’s an unassuming word. But I love the way it sounds, and the feeling it evokes.

In a sentence: today I will be extra satiated because I am going to make myself fat and happy at a food festival.

[sonderingvalentine]

Bad, but maybe it will get better

Hilarious premise. Other than the lovely accents, these hosts, while funny, are mean and not very sex positive. Honestly, I’m only still listening to see if Rocky’s writing gets better or if the hosts change their approach. I’ve given up listening to every episode and only listen to the the first and last of the season, footnotes and best of. I don’t want to waste all my life on this. Also, if I’m going to write a romance novel, I must make sure it is nothing like Rocky Flintstone.

[sonderingvalentine]

The lies I’m telling myself about him

He lied. He pretended.

Evidence exists of his extreme vulnerability, lack of temerity at telling me the whole truth, and many assurances that we were friends. That there would always be an ear for me, an inbox for me, and someone at the other end.

When it came down to it, he didn’t act like the person he said he was. And since he’s cut me off, I can only explain it to myself with what might be a lie. He isn’t here to show me any different. That’s his own choice.

As time passes, the voice that lies about him is the louder voice.

[sonderingvalentine]

My new friend has covid

We were hanging out on Wednesday. He got symptoms Friday with a negative test. Positive test on Sunday. We feel fine and tested negative. Today I picked up his prescription of Paxlovid, some zinc, multivitamin, D3, and contact lens solution. As I walked up the stairs to his unit, I saw he taped a small hand written sign to his door. “Positive for Covid. Do not smooch.” I laughed. I’d been teasing him about who he’d been making out with because a medical professional once said the same thing to me. The truth is that I think he would like to be smooching someone. The truth is I would have liked him to open up the screen door and press his mask to my mask. But I didn’t knock on his door. I left his prescription and other items on the table outside his apartment and went back to the car where my wife was waiting.

[sonderingvalentine]

She turned her body

in parallel to his and looked up into his face, her attitude confident and hopefully mesmerizing.

“Are you in love with me yet?” she asked. Playful, teasing, almost joking, but not quite.

“No,” he said, but he was smiling into her eyes

“Darn. I was hoping you would be.”

“I could be. Very easily.”

“Oh.”

He stooped slowly to kiss her, so she could pull away if she wanted. Their lips met and she felt his hands gently on her neck and waist. A perfect first kiss, not greedy, not too wet, just enough pressure and suction. She steadied herself, hands on his arm and below his ribs.

He pulled back after a moment and asked softly, “What will your wife say?”

She chuckled. “I’ll ask when she gets back from her date.”

[soberscientistlife]

[sonderingvalentine]

Piles of books to read

Oooooo! So excited about this good gay shit! This article makes my reading list longer. May we never run out of queer themes in books!

15 Of The Best LGBT Science Fiction Books | Book Riot

If you're in the mood for a ragtag spaceship crew or queer superheroes living their best lives, check out this list of the best LGBT science