digital diary :) @soonclosedchapter - Tumblr Blog

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Lowkey I don't want to die but lowkey I do

I just looked at a list of reasons to stay and keep going. Nothing ever really motivates me.

I'm terrified of the future, my friends have other people who they can depend on, etc. I'm not needed in my own life. I don't need to live it, in order for it to go on. I'm not that valuable.

And tbh I won't make it anyway. I'm probably too stupid and mentally ill for forensic psychology.

I don't ever even need reasons to keep going. If I'm not suicidal, it's just because I'm not at the moment. But if I am suicidal, there's nothing that can stop these thoughts from happening.

The only reason for me to keep going is my cat. I don't know why, but he has been keeping me alive for so long now.

The suicidal thoughts I've been having aren't intrusive anymore. I don't feel stress anymore due to them.

By now it seems much more like a 'good idea' than something scary. Im kind of between stages 2-3.

For me suicidal thoughts come and go in phases. These phases happen like 3-6 times a year and vary in length.

1. Intrusive suicidal thoughts (I don't actively want to have these thoughts.

2. Passive suicidal ideation (I have thoughts of not wanting to be on this earth anymore)

3. Active suicidal ideation (I make up several different plans and scenarios up in my head)

4. Suicidal planning (I make a thought out plan to commit with a date, location, method, etc.)

5. Commiting suicide or something stop me from doing so

Will I ever let myself be vulnerable again?

With every person I lost I built more cold walls around me. People think I'm cold. That I dont care about anyone. I do. I do love more than words could ever tell. But I cannot show anyone this part of me. I'm scared to get hurt again. I have closed off my heart so no one can ever get to hurt me again. I won't feel the pain of losing someone that deeply, because they never knew me anyway.

Will it ever go away? This fear of hurting? Because I just want to love and be loved. I just want to feel again like I did before. I want to feel alive again. I want to feel secure with the people around me.

But something deep inside me knows nothing lasts for a long time. I will probably have new friends in a year. Even if I tried to hold on like all the times I did before. I will lose everything once again. There is no end to this.

I wish I could pray to a god, who doesn't exist. To free my mind of guilt and sorrow. To let go of all of m problems.

I want to be buried in preetz

The only place where I have ever felt belonging

Having multiple f+ is more of a coping mechanism than anything else

I will forever be a romantic person. I just can't fulfill that. I cover up my pain of being unloved with meaningless sex.

I can't wait to get my driver's license and drive straight into the next tree at 200km/h or smth

I just want an easy and short death. Like it should be.

Everything has been going downhill. I have no money, no job. I don't have any hope, that I will find a good paying job any time soon. I had some hope when I found out I might be able to work at bmw. But that probably won't happen.

My tuition costs way too much. If I don't find a good job now, I won't be able to pay for it while studying.

Maybe crashing with my car isn't the worst idea. I might even pick out a date. It would be way less gruesome, than someone finding me hanging from a tree in the forests. Deadly car crashes happen everyday. Would not be anything special.

We will see what I'm going to do. I mean I also had a date last year. And so many other dates set for my end. But I'm still around. Weird isn't it?

I just got fired from my job that I really really need for money and graduation. Without it I have basically no future.

Im having really bad suicidal thoughts, because there is no future now anyways. I don't think I will find something again, that is this perfect for my mental disorders. Im so fucking scared. I don't want to deal with this atm. I want to die so I don't have to live this through.

Dating romantically makes me so unstable and unregulated. I should honestly stay single and just have fun.

Having 10 men at once is way better anyway. Than to just have one loser who gives you mixed signals.

Im meeting two guys today and im being driven there by a third. While getting ghosted by the one I actually wanted.

My first post is almost 1 year old. Only two days until it's one year old.

It's crazy how my emotions have always stayed the same. And they will never change. I will never change. I don't want to. I'm two extremes and that's fine with me. I will either be full of life or completely rotten forever.

I was and will forever be unstable, suicidal, obsessive and still so incredibly loving.

I also noticed, that my posts have been really short. Don't have much so say ig. Just some random stuff here and there.

I've been reading through my posts and most of them are me complaining about not having a partner bruh

Fuck my fucking chungus life

Giving up on finding love, when all I ever wanted was to be loved

There is no one out there for me. I think I'm destined to be alone. When I have a romantic relationship, I get anxious and obsessed. When I have several people to fuck, I'm perfectly fine.

Maybe it's really supposed to be this way. Never loved only desired.

I fucking hate the mixed signals this guy is giving me

He's usually super dry over text, but sometimes he's not

He had a HIM song in his insta bio, removed it by now

In person he's really nice, fun to be around and gives me compliments

I just don't get it

I think I will actually never find love

- people only see me for my body, nobody is ever interested in my soul, interests, in me

- people don't usually like me in that way and if they do, I don't like them back

- at the end it never works out IF i find someone to date, they always lose interest

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