I’ll be 25 in less than a week.
That’s a quarter of a century! It feels like a long time, and I’m feeling a little concerned that I haven’t accomplished anything in that time? I have friends who have done monumental things like get married, go to med school, buy a house, compete in the Olympics, graduate from law school, etc in that time span.
But when I was 16, I never thought I would make it past age 22. That seemed like a cut off year, and everything was so terrifying and overwhelming that I couldn’t possibly stay alive past age 22. It sounds really stupid and artificial now, but at the time, I was having panic attacks every other day and mixing tylenol with alcohol. The void that I imagined after 22 seemed very real and unavoidable.
And yet, here I am! I don’t feel very accomplished, but I’m pretty happy these days. I used to be afraid of everything, but now I am less so. I used to be afraid of driving, but two weeks ago I drove from San Jose to Fremont in the rain while in cosplay LOL. I used to be afraid of making small talk with strangers, but I have conversations with dozens of patients a day now. Most of all, I used to be afraid of standing my ground, but I’ve learned to confront both strangers and loved ones on things that I find non-negotiable. I wouldn’t say I’m very good at it, and I’d like be more authoritative, but I’m working on it.
I’d like to go into 25 with the idea of being even less afraid in mind. There’s so many things I haven’t tried and so many experiences that I’ve turned down because I’ve been afraid. I want to learn how to use a sewing machine so that I don’t have to ask other people to machine sew my cosplays for me. I want to reach out to more girls in the cosplay community because I admire their work and want to make more female friends. I want to get the merit scholarship in my post-bac program and ask questions at work medical meetings and get back into playing piano and have better posture. I want to work hard with my classmates and truly, genuinely cheer them on without any shadow of envy or jealousy for their success, because I don’t want to fear that their success equates with my failure.
None of these things are a law school degree, or a spot in the Olympics. But to me, the effort and faith required to accomplish these things - or to even have the mindset required to achieve these things - means being brave enough to try. To me, that is moving mountains.
But I’m not afraid.















