What a tough week! Since March, I have to struggle catching up what I have to do and tidying up the "leftover" tasks from the previous person—it's still haunting me. It's fine if you left, but could you at least know that it isn't nice to give it all the forgotten tasks to someone new who has "tiny" knowledge about the job because she couldn't get all the information she's really need.
Meanwhile, in the other job, why there's person who's really care about what your job instead of himself? Leave me alone please, you're the problematic one, not me. Then why there's person who's not doing much but whining so muchhhhhh? Then why there's person who's complain about having double job? I didn't need the information, what you have to do is doing your job. 🥴
Ketika di keluarga sendiri gak pernah kenal rasa aman dan nyaman. Di keluarga pasangan justru dituntut ini dan itu. Di tempat kerja pun tak pernah ada hal yang benar-benar berujung baik. Di ruang komunitas pun lebih sering bertemu penolakan juga. Bahkan di pertemanan pun tak ada penerimaan satu sama lain. Rumah sendiri pun tak nyaman karena begitu kacau. Aku mentok dan tidak tahu lagi apa mampu menjalani hari.
There was so much going on in my thought. I was thinking about different circumstances with various feelings.
One of the thoughts that bothers me a lot: about being mother. Lately I realized being mother could be a lonely journey. No one really understand about how sick being pregnant is. How hard the postpartum might be. Not to mention some mothers choose to against each other rather than supporting to go beyond everything.
I didn't say every mother or every woman, because despite the irony fact, there was some women choose to support me as future-mother. For example, my boss, she wasn't married yet (or she didn't want to get married, idk) but she chose to accept me as her team. She said, "Aku juga pernah berteman dengan yang sedang hamil dan melahirkan, dan aku gak mau hanya karena kamu hamil, kamu jadi gak diterima." Cool, right?
But then, why other mothers chose to judge someone who had the same struggle as them? Did they are the people who supposed to understand? Idk, I really didn't know.
There's always someone who doesn't deserve our energy at all. Manipulate ourselves to feel sorry to something we don't need to be sorry. At first we may think that she/he will understands about how hard to make time for her/him. But sometimes, there's someone who knows that we are already bustling but he/she chooses to deny that fact and only cares about her/his need. The best advice: never give energy to think why she/he can do that, just forget about her/his existence, and focus on ourselves! :)
A rough year brought me to what really means to me
I am done being people pleaser and I am done to be humiliated when I am trying my best. I am done with feeling guilty whenever I am mad to someone who humiliates me. I ain't mad to everyone who tends to humiliate people anymore, but in this 2021 I only want to focus on creating works that I will be proud of. I want to meet someone who knows the difference between humiliating and criticizing, it doesn't mean I only want to hear someone who praises me though.
But, can I?
I was not mad when someone said that my writing was difficult to understand. But I was mad to someone who said 'I have no capability' but in fact, someone who said that never credited my work. I was mad to someone who said 'I was awful in replying dms' when there's no obligation to do that and I was struggling to adapt to my new life at the time. I was mad to someone said 'could you work better?' when I did every single request like my time was only for them. I was mad to someone who's mocking the book that I read, said that 'it's an awful book and never read that again' when you were the one who still recommends a feminist mansplaining book.
I am done to be humiliated and feeling guilty on something that ain't my fault.
After a rough year by hopping to different workplaces three times that made me questioning my progress desperately. Was it my fault and I was the failure one? I didn't think I would be working on what really means to me and would meet 'the mentor' who will criticize and guide me.
My intension by saying 'what really means to me' was simply:
I could optimize social media account by storytelling methods
I could work with someone who communicates better at work without assumptions, blaming game, 'whatsapp only communication and never email me because I rarely open email', 'whatsapp only communication because I hate excel works', 'stop your deck because i don't need that and only listen what i say' and anything that makes me questioning myself.. were my methods really stupid? They kept tolerate someone who couldn't adapt but I didn't know why someone who initiates the idea to adapt was the wrong one. Oddly enough, they criticized someone who initiated (it wasn't always me) to be more initiative. It was bizzare.
My simple intension seemed to be idEal1St and Ut0p1st, because in reality it was easier to find someone who makes me thinking that my goal was stupid and unrealistic.
Until today, I don't know why the world always shows the terrifying side of her, and questioning the reason behind is useless, I guess. Because the world doesn't mean anything at all, the world just shows what reality looks like though. It doesn't mean, 'alam semesta sedang menunjukkan sesuatu untukku', no bitch. The world has no obligation to do that, but I believe it depends on us to do some actions towards the reality.
That belief has lead me to this day, someone who believe in herself to do her dream job: being freelancer and working on her books. And.. finally collaborating with someone who appreciates me eventhough I am nothing and has no followers also working with someone who can guide me to be better at my job.
Somebody really wants to control my life. Like they pay my bills and help myself to get through this life. They don't even love me I guess. Because everything they did, they only care about themselves.
It is sucks
When they try to control again, I always can't handle myself anymore. I want that day gonna be my last day. I don't know how my last day gonna looks like. But I hope, when I finally meet who creates this world, I just want to ask, "Can I finally have a tiny home only for myself to die in peace?" I only need that.
I should keep every journey to myself only. Because not all people understand how hard the journey is, so they will underestimate you. Even you are in a good place, they will stay underestimate you. I should focus on my own progress.
Cleaning up my workspace means also cleaning up myself
I remember I was full of anger in late 2020. I was dissapointed in some people, my thought was busy to think about why she/he did that, why it happened to me, and got jealous in everything without certain reason. The anger lead me to go to psychiatrist to ask how to cure all these anger. I couldn't handle it anymore.
The psychiatrist didn't give me some medicine, obviously, because I was actually fine. I just didn't have time to read more books to cure these anger. I need someone who knows the right mindset to help me. But the psychiatrist gave me some thinking process to help me handling this situation or even the future situation.
I was glad I went to psychiatrist. Maybe by time I forget the anger, but without a good mindset, I am sure I am going to get some breakdown moment all over again because of small reason. Maybe I am going to be bitter person, or even bragging my own process because I already met some awful friends or anything that actually is not nice to brag.
Right know I am more content. I am not mad anymore even though it doesn't mean I can be friends with anybody who I don't trust anymore. But the content feeling is what I need the most.
I started to believe in myself again and tried to get my workspace cleaner. I believe I can do what I've planned for a long time without bothering others progress. I know I am going to write and create everything I want in this workspace.
After cleaning up everything, I saw my instagram story's friend who dissapointed me. I was smiling and not thinking that I have to be better than her/him. Because I have my own plan and that's the only matter.
I saw my calendar, yes, this is what I always wanted. I was really glad with how my schedule turned out.
This room isn't only for mine, but also my husband's workspace. Some of his money is always going away for renting this home, so he doesn't have lot of money to buy small stuff like shelf or anything (but if he get more, he prefer to get electronic classes and pay for hundred rupiah for that hahahahahah). So I bought this affordable shelf for him to get his business done.
He inspired me to do small business. I adore his perseverance even though the money wasn't really good in the first step. He doesn't do everything or even anything for money I guess. He is simply hard worker (and maybe the true virgo hahahahah).
I am genuinely happy even though after this I should cleaning up the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, the bedroom and also do the laundry. My husband is quite busy lately, so it's fine if sometimes I should do some stuff alone. He will help if he can. My home is small though, so it's totally fine.
For me, cleaning up is one of good therapy. I like to feel good after everything is clean ♥️
I never believe in myself I can do full time freelance job even though I really want that job. Until I got lay-off from the old job when I got 3rd months pregnant. It was hard to get job when you are pregnant because I might do my job for 4 months then I have to take maternity leave. Not all companies want to take the risk, i guess.
I had several interviews but ended up with rejection. So I thought, it was the best choice: focus on freelance job. At the time I got two clients and that was quite enough for me. I can still have spare time for doing my personal work and achieve some goals like writing my second book or even do my dream business.
Freelance job ain't easy. I have lot of times, but I have to manage it well. If I don't, I will end up doing my job every single day. It is a fun challenge though.
In my full time job, I always failed to show the better system to do some certain work. Some people didn't believe me. I always curious to make better system and time management, so I think it is the right time to experiment the best system for me.
The last three days, I was overwhelmed with my new client. But I knew I could make it. So today I tried to make it works by creating workflow for me and the client. I thought I can do the job for every 2 days only in a week. I calculated everything like how fast I did the job and how the flow works better. I aim to make the plan works! :)
My workspace wasn't good yet, it was a mess hahahah. I am going to fix that, but I am waiting my new shelf come. But thanks to the wireless keyboard and the smartphone stand. My workflow is better with them. 💛
I am quite excited with my new career path. I hope I have good learning journey 😉
creamy mushroom & beef spaghetti by us and the rest 24 hours
I spent my 24 hours on Sunday with him, finally, after 4 months couldn’t see each other because of this long distance relationship situation. The number one which he asked for is cooking a creamy spaghetti.
Alright, the time he arrived in Malang, I picked up him and got through to the supermarket to bought some ingredients which I didn’t have at home. In the kitchen, surprisingly, he took over everything.
Mega’s job: chopped everything and told what’s next thing we had to do.
Taufiq’s job: focused on the frying pan (my new one *important* haha).
Here’s the recipe, ingredients:
- spaghetti in 2 servings(boil it but don’t make it overcooked)
- 2 garlic, chop into very small pieces
- mushroom (better the fresh one), slice it
- smoked beef, cut into lengthwise
- 1 tbsp butter unsalted
- salt
- black pepper
- dried oregano
- dried thyme
- cooking cream
- milk
- mozzarella cheese
How to make it:
1) Stir fry the garlic
2) Saute the mushroom and the beef
3) Add butter
4) Saute the spaghetti
5) Add salt, black pepper, dried oregano, dried thyme and stir everything
And that was our creamy mushroom and beef spaghetti! We thought, the cooking cream made everything’s great, because you could use the milk only to make everything creamy, but not as great as the cooking cream.
The rest of the time was meaningful. We talked a lot of things, about why we must have kids in marriage, what’s the meaning of sakinah mawaddah warrohmah and how to be patient & rational in saving money. See you later, babe. :)
