Seru

This is my personal blog. Well, not really. I guess this is just a blog where I speak of my thoughts and problems. In other words: A MIND BLOG You jelly bro? Anywho, thanks for coming. :3

[darlinghogwarts]

If you don’t love languages, hear me out: my telugu friend had been affectionately calling me, a hindi speaker, “gundi” for 7 months. We didn’t realize until recently that the word has two completely different meanings in Telugu and Hindi, and that we both had completely different interpretations of her affection.

In Telugu, “gundi” means “smol/button/round/cute”.

In Hindi, “gundi” means “female thug”

[bloodeagles]

I would like an entire cuddle please

[sorafi]

He teases me with something nice and then I never see the guy again ಠ_ಠ

The almighty Lord is a cruel cruel man

[sorafi]

Why does Jesus do me like this

[sorafi]

There is something so attractive about hearing the person you like say your name.

[sorafi]

Why are guys such assholes?

I officially hate them.

[sorafi]

My mood is currently at rock bottom again, and I kind of want to disappear at the moment. Not only do I once again have an unsuccessful crush (whose conversations only proceed to confuse my emotions more), but I don't think I'll ever reach my desired body goals and be pretty.

On top of that, I talk about my appearance so much and ask my friends if I look decent so often that I'm sure they're getting fed up with me about it. I'm lame, I'm boring, and I'm ugly inside and out.

My brain is toxic right now and I just want to curl up for the night.

[sorafi]

And so the painful cycle continues, and I have no way of getting out of it because I do not want to come off as too rude or hateful.

[sorafi]

Can I just go home and have a happy Christmas with people who actually do fucking miss me? Thanks.

[sorafi]

"Missed me," my ass. I already made a mistake.

[sorafi]

I think I am going to step out into the cold and cry for a while.

[sorafi]

I just feel like I’m suffocating lately. 

I feel like I’m suffocating while everyone else is fucking around and having fun without me. 

I feel like I’m suffocating and I just want to be rid of it. I want out.

[sorafi]

I’m sorry, but there is nothing more frustrating than trying to talk to a group of friends, and all they can talk about is all the things they did with this other friend of yours. Things they did that didn’t include you at all. All of you were friends, and you were not invited, and it’s just like, yeah, okay, this is what I wanted to hear about when I tried talking to you today.

What makes it even more fucking annoying is when they make a joke you do not understand, so you ask them about the joke and they start their reply with “_________ would understand, it was an inside joke between _____, ________, and me.” LIKE CONGRATS. I AM AWARE I DO NOT GET THE JOKE. I AM AWARE I WAS NOT THERE. THAT IS WHY I AM ASKING. 

I DID NOT ASK SO THAT YOU COULD CONTINUE TO RUB IT IN MY FACE HOW NOT A PART OF THE GROUP I AM.

 I DID NOT ASK SO THAT YOU COULD BRAG ABOUT EVERY OTHER FUCKING THING YOU DID WITH THE THEM THAT I WAS NOT A PART OF. 

I FUCKING ASKED SO THAT I COULD UNDERSTAND THE FUCKING JOKE YOU MADE. 

It just feels so great how I can start the college year off feeling included in a group and like I finally found my group of friends, only to end the first semester (I STILL HAVE A WHOLE SEMESTER TO GO)  feeling completely excluded. And it does not make me feel any less excluded when they consistently talk about everything they’ve done that they did not even remotely invite me to. 

By the end of the semester, my biggest fear has pretty much come true. I introduced most of the group to each other. I was the one that initiated the first conversations with half of them and got my other two friends into talking to them. And now they all are the best of fucking friends, and do not fucking need me. I was just there as a bridge to connect them to something better. I was something for them to walk across and then forget they ever had to cross that bridge in the first place. 

I get it, I understand. Thank you. It has been made very clear what I mean to all of you, so if you could kindly stop thrusting that message in my face, I would be very fucking pleased. 

[sorafi]

It feels really fucking fabulous to be wholeheartedly replaced.

[ninasmacks]

[sorafi]

Remember How We'd Always Race?

So I know I haven't updated in a REALLY long time, but whatever. I'm here now, and with a rather happy post.

Why is it happy? BECAUSE I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE GUY I LIKE. :> Ya know, the guy named Ross?

To begin, let me say one thing:

In terms of looks, he was one of the guys I never knew I'd like.

I'm the type of girl that has a preference for guys with a somewhat dark brown hair color with brown eyes. Ross, however, has blond hair that is SHORT AND CURLY (I prefer medium length that's more straight), and blue eyes.

So yeah... not really the type I'd find myself liking...

Anyhow, I first met him in fourth grade. At the time his best friend was a boy that I'll be calling S, and he still lived near the elementary school. During fourth grade, all three of us used to ride out bikes home, and-at one point-we started racing each other back. S' house was always first, took less than a minute to get to. After him was Ross', and although it was only half a minute's ride from S' place, it was still fun. Afterwards, we would say goodbye, and I'd bike the rest of the way home.

Doesn't seem like much, but the memory makes me smile. Another tidbit of fourth grade was how the three of us made a little game that seemed cool at the time, but is somewhat weird now. What was it? Simple. We'd blow on the other person's neck. Psh, awesome right? At one point, S seemed to forget about the game; however, Ross and I continued it on through most of the grade. Personally, I think that memory is kind of cute, don't you?

The last memory I'll mention about him in this post relates back to the racing. Whenever I think of dear ol' Rossy (the first part of my friend's nickname for him), I realize that the main part of our friendship was related to racing. And although we don't talk anymore, I love reminiscing everything we used to do. The racing part is just one of the several fun things in that group.

You see, during fifth grade we didn't interact at all, and never talked. Then, a year later, came sixth grade. During sixth grade, we now went to the middle school and due to the change of schools we now took a bus. Because we both lived near the elementary school, we were (or at least I was) lucky enough to ride the same bus. This is how it links back to the first racing paragraph. I mean, of course we weren't riding our bikes home anymore, that would be too long a ride. Instead, we were now racing each other to the buses when it was lunchtime, or after school ended. He almost always won, but it was pure joy.  We would literally do it almost every time we saw on the way to the buses, and it went on all year round. The whole time we ran, I'd be yelling for him to stop, saying that he's a cheater. In return, he'd laugh or stick his tongue out at me.

In a way, it was like those cute childhood memory scenes in a manga or movie. Just two blissful children having fun. And it truly was fun.

Either way, that's all I'll say for now.

Later on, hopefully it won't be as long a wait, I'll be talking about some of the other stupid memories we had~

[sorafi]

Hesitation is Hell

I am hesitant, and I hate that part of me. Okay, fine... I hate a lot of things that made (and is still making) me, me. That just happens to be one I'm going to refer to today.

Fortunately for anyone reading this, I'm going to make sure this isn't as long as my last post. Rather, this one should end up being really short... Unless there's a lot more information supporting my hesitance that I did not know of until now, and I can proudly say that's doubtful. Let me begin~

As I said above, I am hesitant. Several times I have told myself to do one thing, only to hesitant and give up on it a second later. So of those 'things' include:

Confronting N and telling her what I thought of the note

Going up and talking to my crush again

Going up and talking to old friends (mainly guy ones)

Going up and talking to anyone I want to befriend in general

Choosing things for myself without the influence of others

Etc

Okay, so fine. Those are quite a few common things people hesitate over, but it drives me CRAZY when I end up not doing it. Right after I can no longer choose to do something, I immediately regret hesitating and saying no. I'm sure several of you understand what I mean, and to those that do... Don't you hate that regretful feeling?

Yeah yeah, people always say crap like "You shouldn't dwell on the past", or "Forget the What Ifs, and live life as it is", but who really gives a crap? I mean, most the people that reblog those quotes are actually doing the opposite of what it says. Some may deny it, but it's true. I know I'm guilty of it, and perhaps you are too. Either way, 90% of the time, those quotes are bogus since several people in our world's population really can't help but do it. >n<

I don't like having those thoughts linger around my mind. A majority of times, they'll even bring my mood down. 'What if I talked to him again? Would we become friends like in 6th grade?', or 'What if I had gone up and told her my thoughts? Would she think I was a bitch?" Each thought brings a whole new blow of negativity to my thoughts. Constantly I wish I had the power to shut my freaking thoughts off. Unfortunately, I don't. No one does.

It sucks more when I know those feelings are being brought into my life due to my hesitant decisions, and that-no matter how hard I try-I still can't seem to stop the hesitation. It just makes me go all: sdfasfgasfghasdfjsad;fljasd;flkjas;flgjka!

Oh wellz, maybe someday in the future this hesitation will go away, and I'll finally learn what life is like on the other side.

That all for this....unorganized rant thing? Psh, whatever. Anywho, my next few posts are going to be focused around memories of my crush and I, so jah~ Stay tuned for that!