There are a lot of things I want to change about myself upon guys overlooking me or taking me for granted. I envy girls who dress nice 24/7, who have accessories, who pamper themselves and always have hair nails brows on fleek, who carry themselves all refined, who define what they want in life and aren’t afraid to ask for it, and so on. I mean I could do all that but it just isn’t my priority at the moment or I don’t have enough backbone/courage yet. To be honest, I know deep down that these things don’t really matter to me because I value other things like being a good person and being un-materialistic. Of course I’m not saying that these girls aren’t good and not materialistic. What I’m saying is, I’m not them and sometimes it eats at me. Especially when I have grown to want someone who makes me feel like I’m not enough. And let me tell you, it’s happened many times over the course of my life. But today, I met someone who made me feel enough, if not more.
It’s a crazy dangerous thing-- loving the wrong people.
As I put on my mundane black dress to get ready for a silent auction for Mission Cataract with my preceptor, I wear my work heels and strap on the bag that my mom passed onto me 2nd year of college. It’s a Brighton, my best friend’s white mom has the same one. When I get to the venue I realize I don’t have any jewelry on, not even my watch. My hair is in a messy bun because I was having a bad hair day. Everything is kinda just wrong, I never dress right for any events and it gives me mild anxiety. I’m comparing myself to these beautiful medical students in beautiful dresses and necklaces and perfect hair and such an elegant presence. I felt my self-doubt consume me, thinking UGH the guy I am crazy about back home would want me more if I’d just prioritized this stuff more.
My preceptor introduces me to this 30 something year old ophtho dude who smiles really big at me. His first words, “I can tell you’re different”. Throughout the night... He tells me my lack of jewelry and my simple black dress make me organic and that I was raised very well. He says my presence is addicting and empowering. He tells me that my mind is beautiful and that my smile is resilient. He tells me I have a beautiful heart. And I usually know when a guy is full of shit but he meant it so much and it was crazy to feel this... acceptance for the first time in such a long time. At least, from someone who isn’t polarizing me or putting me on a pedestal which makes all the difference lol. And the craziest part is that he meant it in a platonic way. It’s crazy how much it made me realize that I don’t have to become this callous sellout to immediate gratification. I take pride in who I am, and if I want to invest in accessories or nice shoes, I will. But I don’t need them. I also don’t need to allow someone to make me feel as if who I am is not worth the investment. If I am not then I am not. It should not define my worth.
It is okay if this person does not see me for all I am and only focuses on all that I am not. There are people out there who will see me for who I am, who will raise me up, who will inspire me to be more than I already am.
I may be absolutely crazy about this person, but this is not something I can ever allow myself to pursue. I am beautiful, enough, and full of life. I can’t believe I thought otherwise just because this person doesn’t want me. Pretty ridiculous right? Okay. I’m okay. At least now I know that it’s important to have the person I share a life with, make me feel like I’m much more than a speck of dust in the Universe, even if I might be.
I am more. I deserve so much more.
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