not pro

TW!!!!! personal diary she/her hw:270 cw:??? gw:140 active(ish) may 2022 pro recovery!

[sosskinnie]

day 1:

STATS!

height: 5’7

hw:276.6 lbs (srry:/) 122kg

cw: 155.2 lbs , 70kg

gw1: 180 ✅

gw2:160✅

gw3: 140

ugw:132 lbs , 61.2kg

[sosskinnie]

i’m back bitch

[sosskinnie]

i fasted for 24 hours and didn’t even realize! very proud of me today

[sosskinnie]

in my whore era

[sosskinnie]

i was the hottest at the peak of my eating disorder..

[sosskinnie]

fighting demons

and my demons are me wanting to take get food every night and eat it before bed but knowing i will regret it so much in the morning

[sosskinnie]

i do love to binge tho can’t lie:/

[sosskinnie]

do you put sugar in your tea?

[sosskinnie]

eating these tumblr posts for breakfast and lunch today:p

[sosskinnie]

since i’ve been in recovery i’ve been thinking about all the horrible things that came with my ed

like: the headaches, stomach pains, being light headed when exercising, being in a horrible mood everyday, the lying:(, seeing the people i love cry bc i won’t eat, the anxiety over eating something that i don’t know the calories of, being horrified when i’m forced to eat, constantly comparing what and how much you’re eating to everyone else, fantasizing about and crazing food, and um being fucking hungry all the time

but i missed so much: the validation, feeling lighter, people completing me and telling me i’m skinny, feeling beautiful and sexy, not hating what i look like, and not having boobs!

very hard to pick:(

[sosskinnie]

i’ve gained so much weight and i need help staying on track. i really want to relapse as bad as i did last year and i know that’s bad to say:(

[dovesndecay]

the sudden and abrupt realization that maybe chewing off the skin around your fingernails isn’t normal and so you google it and oh look at that you’ve had dermatophagia your entire fucking life 

[sosskinnie]

i went to a new therapist that specializes in ed and she labeled my ed as “binge-restrict” cycle, and it’s a little invalidating especially in the community bc i feel i have no self control:( i am in a cycle i guess considered “binge” and it’s so annoying that ofc i have to feel like this around summer time so i hate looking at myself more now:( does anyone have tips on how to avoid bad foods again?

[sosskinnie]

looking 4 mutuals

or people to relate too<3

[sosskinnie]

i can’t do this

[sosskinnie]

whenever i don’t have a therapist i always feel at my lowest, or like i really need to talk to someone and i have no one to talk to ever. but when i do have a therapist i feel like i have no problems and i created them all in my head .. and i shouldn’t be complaining about it or spending $80 a session for nothing and i need to stop being like this

[sosskinnie]

remember when i was skinny? yeah i’m gonna kms..