living with bpd is like being on fire and freezing at the same time. itâs like your emotions are stuck on max volume and no one else even hears the song.
you feel everything too much, too fast, too deep. a look can ruin your whole week. a text left on read can convince you youâre fundamentally unlovable. a smile can make you feel like youâre glowing. a sigh can make you spiral.
youâre either everything or nothing. youâre either the best person alive or the worst mistake anyone ever made. and it flips so fast it gives you emotional whiplash. you can go from âi love you so much iâd die for youâ to âi never want to see you againâ in the same breath, and neither one feels fake. they both feel real. they are real.
bpd feels like youâre made of glass. thin, fragile, loud when you break. but no one sees the cracks forming. they only see the mess you leave behind.
people say youâre manipulative. but they donât understand itâs not a game. youâre not trying to control people. youâre trying to survive them. youâre trying to stop them from leaving before they even think about it. you love like itâs life or death because, in your mind, it is.
you split. you dissociate. you cling and you push away. you crave love and then sabotage it. you want to be close but the second someone is close, you panic. because what if they see the real you and leave? what if they donât and you still lose them?
you donât trust yourself. you donât trust your memories. you donât trust your feelings, even though theyâre screaming in your chest. everything feels like a lie and the truth at the same time. how do you even explain that to someone?
youâre impulsive, but not because itâs fun. itâs survival. cutting your hair, quitting your job, sending a paragraph youâll regret in two minutesâ youâre just trying to make the noise stop. youâre just trying to feel different for one second. youâre just trying to stop feeling everything.
and you get angry. so angry. not always at other people, but at yourself. at the world. at how unfair it is to feel this broken and still be expected to show up like youâre fine. at how youâre always too much or not enough and never just right. at how you can love people so hard it aches and still feel completely, utterly alone.
you donât have a sense of self. you mirror people. you become whoever you think theyâll like. and sometimes you look in the mirror and donât recognize who youâve become. sometimes you feel like a blank page with a bunch of fingerprints on it.
and abandonment? thatâs the core of everything. real or imagined, it hits the same. someone reschedules a plan and it feels like theyâre walking away forever. someone forgets to text back and it feels like a breakup. someone gets quiet and you spiral. you donât just feel hurtâyou feel erased. like you never mattered. like you were stupid to think you did.
but hereâs the part no one talks about: people with bpd feel love more intensely than anyone. we see beauty in people others overlook. we remember every little detail, every small kindness. we love with everything we have, even when it destroys us. we feel joy so deeply itâs almost holy. we want to be good. we want to be kind. we want to be stable.
weâre just tired. so fucking tired.
tired of being a burden. tired of saying sorry for reactions we didnât even have time to control. tired of begging our brains to just be normal for one day. tired of being told weâre scary, toxic, dramatic, unstableâwhen really, weâre just scared. scared of being alone. scared of not being loved. scared of the way our own minds betray us.
people love to romanticize bpd. make it aesthetic. pretty crying girls with eyeliner smudged and bruised hearts. but itâs not pretty. itâs exhausting. itâs screaming into a pillow at 3am because your brain made up a scenario that doesnât even exist. itâs hurting the people you love most and hating yourself more every time you do. itâs trying so hard and still feeling like a monster.
and sometimes, in the quiet moments, you get scared of yourself. because you donât know what version of you will show up tomorrow. and youâre tired of being a stranger in your own skin.
but youâre still here. somehow. you wake up. you try again. you love people. you feel too much. you carry all of it. and that is its own kind of strength.
maybe not the kind people write poems about. but strength all the same.
