You know that feeling you get when you know you're getting sick? You can feel the flu coming on with sneezes, and chills. That's what a manic episode is like, but you can't take anything to fix it. It's pretty much just holding on, and hoping you don't do anything drastic. Literally days before it happens you can feel it building, and building. Just like the incline on a roller coaster. But I didn't have the chance to size up the decline before I got on, I didn't even want to get on. It's just a squeeze your eyes shut, and cross your fingers that your stomach doesn't end up in your throat, it's not knowing how long it's going to last, which twists and turns are going to be there. It's a wooden roller coaster, the ones that shake you too much, and give you headaches. Someone told me good morning, and I started crying. It's scary thoughts, suicidal thoughts, but not telling anyone because you don't want to hurt yourself, but holy fuck it would be so rad to not feel this way for God only know how long. You literally never know how long it's going to last. It could be 3 days, it could be a month, sometimes more. The thing with a manic episode is it's not always negative, but in a way still is. When I go above the straight line (which the line is where every else is) I'm basically high on life, too much money is spent, I'm invincible, and to me literally nothing can go wrong. That's not necessarily safe, and it's put me in a lot of situations that I regret. That I wish I could change because I didn't see how it would hurt me, but it hurt someone else. It hurt them bad, and now I'll never be able to live it down. All because I saw no harm, it's blinding. Those episodes are very rare, having bi-polar depression means I get to fall below the line.Imagine the quadratic equations we had, and what those graphs look like, sometimes it's steady on the X, and other times I'm dipping low into the negative Y. I have a bad habit of sending texts that seem like I'm walking away for ever, texts that scare people. You get so far into your head you get completely lost. It's being afraid to be alone because your mind is a scary place, and it's already being mean to you, but now it's being even more mean. Calling you a coward, a baby, making you feel like no one cares, and the world is 10000% against you, that nobody wants you around. Because why would anybody want somebody that randomly goes off the deep end? That doesn't make any sense. Who could ever love a person like that. Always remember this is all very real to someone if you have someone like this in your life please be patient with them, please listen to what they have to say even if it's super silly to you. ❤️ thanks for reading
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