Just Me @soullessheart13 - Tumblr Blog

Late night thought.......

I don't want someone to fight for me, or for that matter fight with me, but rather someone who will be on the sidelines waiting for me.When I'm tired and feel defeated they look at me, smile, hold my hand and tell me don't worry it will all workout, tomorrow is another day. Someone who recharges me and not only gives me hope, but shows me not all is lost.

#love #relationship #hope

Am I?

#love

#love #sadness #dream #reality

❤❤❤

#nofilter #nature #spring

Took this during a sunset some time during last winter. Loved how the cloud looked like a giant butterfly.

A lot of shallow people out there, choosing looks over character; then wonder why they are stuck with what they have.

Lost love?

This isn’t something that is happening to me, but to my niece(who’s 28). When she was around 19 or 20 she met someone and they becme friends. After a great night out things changed and he asked her to be his girlfriend. The next day they had plans to get together, but due to some unfortunate events they couldn’t. His mother called her and told her that from him being at wrong place at the wrong time he was mistaken for someone else and arrested. In the beginning she would visit him weekly and they would write to each other. After a while his mother asked her to give him some time; reasons being they were both so young at the time and my niece needed to live her life and he needed to focus on his mistaken identity case he was making. It took three years of fighting the courts for them to finally let him go. When he came out in 2010, he searched for her with no luck. In 2012 he settled and got married. In march of this year he found my niece through facebook. They spoke and he told her he still has feeling for her, but that their lives are what they are now; he’s in a loveless marriage with two beautiful children and my niece is divorced with a beautiful daughter. He wants to get to know her again and rekindle, but slowly with patience and time. She told him that they could only be friends and she wouldn’t go past that unless he wasn’t married. He told her that his wife knows he doesn’t love her and that his wife knows all about my niece and his feelings for her. He has told his wife this repeatedly throughout their marriage and she still purposely got pregnantthe first time and then pregnant again on a drunken night. My niece has never stopped having feelings for him. They both feel like something has been missing from their lives since they lost ech other years ago. She doesn’t want to rush into anything and she won’t be with a married man.

#complicated #relationships

#love

Luna

He looks deep into her eyes and sees her soul. It’s hiding from the world, afraid. She looks away but, it’s too late. He’s already seen too much. She’s afraid of him. He makes her feel things like no other man has. Should she trust him? The last time she time she trusted a man he hurt her. Not just emotionally, but mentally and physically too. Titan, his name alone sends a strange sensation throughout her body and makes her heart skip a beat. She’s afraid that he’s just using her. She’s afraid of letting him in and getting hurt again. She’s afraid of trusting him and letting her guard down. She knows he’s a nice guy and so far he has been there for her no questions asked. She struggles everyday with these feelings. Mind and heart are always at battle. Mind says be realistic and shield yourself. Heart is hopeful and dreams of happiness. Mostly she’s just afraid she has already fallen head over heels for him.

Luna Swan

#truelove #soulmates #stories #dreams

Titan

He knew she was confused.He knew that she was afraid of how she felt. He knew she wanted to be sure that what she felt for him was love and not just appreciation because he didn’t make her feel alone anymore.

He tilted her head up from his chest where she had it buried. He looked into her eyes, they were red and puffy from crying so much. Her pain and confusion broke his heart. He knew she loved him, but he couldn’t help her figure it out. This was something she needed to figure out on her own.”Babe, don’t cry. I love you and will wait for you to figure things out. No matter how long it takes. Please know and believe this, no matter what the outcome I will always be here for you. Whenever you need me just know I will be there.” He gently kissed her lips. Now she cried even harder and he just held her close until she couldn’t cry anymore and fell asleep in his arms.

Luna Swan

#truelove #soulmates #stories #dreams

Story of my life, I meet a seemingly decent guy. We talk for a bit and then like clockwork they ask that inevitable question, “So can I see your boobs?”. After this all hope is gone. They get all upset with me and suddenly I’m a bitch. Or I’m a prude or the newest I’ve heard was I had too many walls up and mine fields to get around. Like serioulsy dude? I know I have trust issues and I don’t let anyone in but, if you made the effort to try to get to know me without wanting to see me naked my walls come down. It’s not that I play games, it’s just that experience has taught me how to recognize the signs. Sad but true just after a few emails I know where things are headed and they always lead to them asking for nudes. I am open with my sexuality. I would like to be wooed, go on my first date. I really don’t understand why guys get turned on by pictures. I prefer playing dress up among user things, build up is key ;). I still get one guy that manages to sweet talk me long enough, that when that question comes it leaves me crushed. hopefully one day my guy will come and that question will never pass his mind.

#ramblings #hope #dissappointment

I have a tendency to fall for guys that are unavailable or an impossibility. Whether it’s me liking someone I don’t know or someone that is in a completely different time zone. In high school I took a you could say career building class where i was the only girl. Most of the guys were nice and some lived in their own worlds. In the beginning I was always paired with this one guy. At first I could not stand him(came off as arrogant) and he didn’t like me either. I guess it was because he couldn’t understand why i was in that class. He had this preconceived notion of gender roles because nothing else made sense. As time passed we became friends. The following year i began to develop feelings for him which, at the time, was completely wrong because I had a “boyfriend”, but he’s another story. I being me didn’t tell him how I felt even though at times though he didn’t say, I got the feeling he felt the same about me. That year he graduated, him being a senior and I a junior. Now and then I would wonder about him a little. A couple of months after my graduation my “boyfriend” broke up with me. About a year later I started thinking about this guy again. Maybe it was the heartbreak, maybe it was the loneliness, or maybe it was that what could have been feeling. This went on and off for a couple of years then one day I found him on facebook. At first i was stunned like i couldn’t believe it. I know so dramatic, lol. After confirming it was him i sent him a message. After that seeing as I have a strong dislike of Facebook we exchanged numbers and began texting. In the beginning i was excited about the what could be even though he lives in Florida. Yeah I know what you are thinking but like i said I like the unavailable or the impossible .(I really should talk to my therapist about this.) That first year I dropped hints of my feelings through text and occasionally when he would call me. After some time he asked me if I had feelings I tried to deny it at first but it was no use so I said I did. He told me flat out that he didn’t feel the same. I knew that but I still hoped. I was a little crushed so I didn’t talk to him for a while so I could get a grip on myself. Deep down I don’t really think i expected anything from this. I started texting him again but this time in a I want to be your friend type of way. Everything was cool until one day we were texting and he sent me a kissy face emoji, wouldn’t be a big deal if it was a normal thing but it wasn’t. I told him that he was making things confusing for me because of how I felt and he apologized. We kept in touch here and there throughout the year. As improbable as it may be I felt he was being flirty with me in some texts but i brushed it off. I would show my niece some of these confusing flirty texts and she said he seemed like he had multiple personalities and I agreed. Sometimes i felt as though i was talking to two different people. I would ask him how he was and he would say he was good. He was starting his own business. He would tell me how he felt like he was never going to find love. He would say he was ready to get married and start a family. He told me how his ex was a disappointment. I being me would tell him not to worry that he would find love when he least expected it and that things would turn around for him when it was the right time. I would try to raise his spirits because I hoped to gain favor, but because I was a friend trying to cheer up a friend that was down in the dumps. Making people I care about happy makes me happy it’s my Aquarius nature I guess. A couple of years, we would talk now and then. One night we are instant messaging and something felt different. At some point the conversation went like this: Me: So I should be happy I was lucky enough to get in? Him: Special that’s all i gots to say. Me: What do you mean? Him: Not just anyone comes into my world. Me: I’m one lucky girl then :) Him: Yup Me: How long until my luck runs out? Him: Until my world ends. Then he started talking about a points system and how i was losing and i said something about him being a fun challenge that gave me a headache from time to time but i could handle it and he was like “Challenge accepted” Sometime later on maybe a month or something he asks me why do i like him if i don’t know who he was. My response was to send him a picture of him from when we were in school. Ok I can see how that would be weird but I used to take a lot of pictures in high school and a few years ago the apartment where I lived caught on fire and we lost almost everything(although it wasn’t entirely the fire’s fault). Among the things I was able to keep were some of my pictures and they weren’t even half of what I had. The next day he texts me and again tells me he’s not into me in that way that he’s interested in some girl and blah, blah, blah. Same shit as before. I not having those types of feelings for him asked if he was sure he wasn’t the one catching feelings for me and just trying to turn the tables. This upset him and he said no that there’s this girl he’s into and he doesn’t like me that way. So I told him I just wanted to be his friend which was true i didn’t want anything from him but a friendship. I let some time pass and then i messaged him to see how he was doing. He told me how he was and how his business was doing good, he got a girlfriend and that life was great. So i congratulated him because i was happy he was happy. It seems as though once he had the girlfriend he talked to me less or not at all. Kinda makes you wonder if he was just using me to fill a void and once it was he didn’t need me anymore. I laugh sometimes because my niece says i dodged a bullet with that one. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t such a hopeful dreamer. Not because we didn’t develop a romantic relationship because in the end i realized it was unrealistic and I knew it would never happen from the beginning, but because I thought a friendship could have developed from it. None of it matters now. I think I was using the feelings I used to have for him as a way to shield myself from being hurt again. Maybe that’s why I like guys that are unreachable. Sorta of a self preservation tactic. I know things will never work out so my heart won’t be shattered to pieces then stomped on. Boy I love the theatrics lol. I should tell my therapist about this habit. I don’t want to be closed off to finding love just because i might get hurt.

Ever since I could remember I have been overweight. When I was younger I never really thought of it as a bad thing. I was (thank goodness) never bullied for my weight. People accepted me as I was. At home it was a slightly different situation. While I wasn't bullied I was treated with a lot of passive aggressiveness. Also I was always told that I had a beautiful face,but because of my weight I guess that didn't matter. I know they meant well, but it still crushed my spirits. I'm 29 now and can't look myself in the mirror; I hate what I see. Don't get me wrong I think I'm gorgeous but that's because of my inner beauty.

Do I know I'm fat? Yes

Do I need to be reminded about it? No

Am I happy about it? No

Do I plan to do something about it? Yes

Do I love the way I am? Yes, but do not love my weight.

"Don't judge a book by it's cover.", is a quote that resonates in me. People seem to never get past my looks. I'm an awesome person. Sometimes I admit my social anxiety takes over and I come off as extremely shy, but I'm nit once you get to know me.Although, I must admit that if at first I meet a person and we click I won't be shy. *Sigh*I am so complicated, but so lovable. It does hurt that my weight is an issue. Not just with others, but mostly with me. I have such a mental block. I know I'm pretty, but I just don't feel comfortable with my body. I know this isn't true, but I feel like others judge me because of my weight. I struggle everyday with it. Somedays I don't have the energy and just want to give up. But I won't. I can't.

People seem to have this idea of me just sitting down and stuffing my face all day. I don't. My doctors don't even believe that I don't. They give me this look of like, "Yeah, right I bet you don't." Like seriously why would I lie? What purpose does that serve me? I don't like liars and I don't like to lie. Do I lie? Sometimes, yes but only if i have to.

Ever since I've started going to therapy I've learned things about myself. I just need more patience and to not give up. If I do (give up) then I will never be happy.

#open #me #nofilter #volnerable

Risk/Regret

Like everyone I have fears. My fears sometimes stop me from living my life at full force. One of those fears is failing or being rejected. I don't allow myself to take any risks that I know might end in failure. I know what you're thinking, "Life is about taking risks!" But what if that life of taking risks on things you wanted always ended in failure or rejection? Since going into therapy I've been trying to figure myself out. Trying to remember who I am. Day by day trying to do things that scare me or are out of my comfort zone. It's extremely difficult for me. I can wake up and say, "Today is the day I am going to..........." but when it comes time it becomes not only mentally but also physically impossible to get anything done. I have noticed I can do somethings if they are spur of the moment. I guess this is all well and good when we are talking about everyday things but not when it comes to love. Love is an area where I might not be able to play fast and loose in. I keep my heart guarded under lock and key in a safe buried underground with a layer of cement around it. Sounds overly dramatic I know but experience has shown me that when I take a chance with a guy I always end up with it broken. I can't stand the heartache anymore. Every time I think this one is different, things will work out only to have me heartbroken and confused at the end. I spent nine years testing the waters so to speak and guys only seemed to want to duck me and that was it. Then I met a guy that seemed decent enough so I took a risk. A month later I was left as always, confused holding a slightly broken heart. This experience as an eye open though. I learned that I should follow my gut and if I don't really like someone it isn't because I am scared or nervous and I should give myself more time it really is that I don't like them. So what then when I do like someone? There is this guy that I find extremely attractive, but can't explain why. There's just something about him that makes my heart skip a beat. I would love to get to know him, take a risk and say "I like you. I would love to get to know you." I won't though. This isn't just fear of failure or even fear of being rejected , but I don't think I would get over it as quickly. This would be the one to "shatter" my heart completely. So instead I admire him from afar and wish him unending happiness. And I'll just dream of what might have been. There is a quote that says"You'll never know unless you try." With him I'd rather not know.

#regret #risk #love #fear

Dad

Sixteen years ago today my father passed away. I find myself thinking about him from time to time, but i don't really remember him much. Maybe it's because i have mixed emotions if i have any at all. Is it wrong that i don't miss him? The men in my life have never been role models for me. Weird right? My dad was a drunk and loved to argue for no reason. I also have three older brothers. The eldest is a man whore and a liar. The second is a liar and drunk. The third is a liar(haven't seen him in a while so can't really say much more). If i were to "walk down the isle" i wouldn't choose any of them to give me away, maybe that's why I've always wanted to elope. I guess this is why I have trust issues. I try to remember happier times with my dad but i can't. I didn't have the opportunity like my older brothers and sisters did. I laugh at the stories they say but, I can't help but feel like they are being hypocrites. I know they couldn't stand being around him when he was drunk, that i remember because they left me alone mostof tge time with him and my sister that has down syndrome . I loved my dad my mom says he chose my name for me and she used to tell me he'd sit me on his lap to look up at airplanes. He used to give me a quarter for each one I spotted. I wish i could remember him sober instead of remembering the dread I felt Friday afternoons coming home from school wondering if he had decided not to drink this weekend. I still haven't fully dealt with his death. I was talking to my therapist he asked me about him and I burst into tears. I never let anyone see me break down that way but, i couldn't help it. Though i did bottle it up quickly and stopped crying. Could this all be because I didn't say goodbye by walking up to the casket at the funeral? Or do I just not have any feelings? Maybe that's when my ability to feel emotions got all screwed up. Could i still be in shock? I remember when it happened. My mom screaming,my brother giving him cpr, the ambulance, my mom freaking out. Then the waiting. That night strange as it may be i dreamt of my mom and aunt discussing casket prices. Then my sister told me he was gone. My mom walking in and my brother holding her. Her eyes swollen from her tears. I cried a little that day, but I think was because she was crying. They would fight like cats and dogs but, she loved him or at least cared deeply for him. They were together for I think 32 or 33 years when he died. The house was full of family for what felt like weeks. I would dream that he was just away on vacation. People would ask if I was ok and I would smile and nod but really i didn't know how I should feel, still don't know. I can't talk or think about him without getting teary-eyed. Maybe i do miss him and i just can't remember why I do.

#death #loss

Assholes

Last summer I began messaging a guy I met on a dating site. He seemed decent at first. Started the conversation non disrespectful saying things like you’re pretty, I like big beautiful women, I would like to get to know you and so on. Then the inevitable happened(I say inevitable because in my experience this is always the next step when I start a conversation with a guy) I received a picture of his dick. He asked me “What do you think?”. After a long pause I reply,”It’s nice.” Because honestly what does one say to that? After a few minutes he asks me for a picture in return and I say no, because I didn’t ask him for his picture and I don’t do nudes. Then all the sweetness he started with turned sour. He said I was ugly and had an ugly nose and messed up teeth. He also told me that I wouldn’t do better than him because I was fat and ugly and no guy that looked like him would ever want me. To all this I simply said thank you and ended the chat. Afterwards I cried. Not because I believed what he said was true but because I let myself be fooled again by sweet words. I admit that my pictures don’t flatter me or do me justice because I don’t photograph well. I could take a hundred pictures from different angles, filter them, and so on and I still wouldn’t find one where I saw myself like I do in the mirror. I’m the farthest thing from a model and I will never look like the women I see around me. Whether it’s on tv, magazines, instagram or whatever. But in my own way I am beautiful. It has taken me a long time to start accepting myself for who I am. It’s something I struggle with everyday. Somedays are better than others. Somedays I feel like an ugly duckling that wil never find love because men won’t get past my looks. Other days, which don’t happen often enough, I feel like the beautiful swan that I am and any man would be lucky to have me. I am glad that there are assholes out there that think that they are God’s gift to women. They help me learn new lessons and make me stronger each time I have the misfortune to come across them.

#ugly duckling #jerks #random #ranting

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