My husband, when we slept in the same bed, used to make me sleep with my back to him at the far edge of the bed. If I wanted to change positions, he'd wake me up and ask me to turn back to the position with my back to him. Edge of the bed.
For years, this is what I did. I put up with this. Stupidly. I felt like I couldn't move. If I did, I knew he'd get upset and wake me up.
My back starting hurting. I felt ugly. I I felt ignored. I became resentful.
Eventually after years of putting up with this, disgusted, I finally decide to ignore my husband's demands and I went to bed - spread out facing my husband.
Facing any way I wanted! I was done with controlling unreasonable demands. Every request to turn over, I ignored.
After a few days, my husband - realizing that I wasn't listening anymore- put a line of pillows, separating us in bed.
I simply grabbed one of the pillows and slept on them. My husband didn't yell at me or attempt to argue when I did this. He just mumbled angry words to himself. Words I could not hear.
One night, I must have been snoring or breathing loud or something ... I woke up to my husband swearing continuously " Fuck, fuck, fuck" These words were clearly directed toward whatever I was doing while I slept. I managed to return to sleep.
A short while later, I woke up to a what felt like something hitting my pillow.
It was my husband's fist.
He didn't hit me. He hit the pillow I was sleeping on.
I got up, grabbed a blanket, the wounded pillow and left the room. I haven't slept in that bed with my husband since. That was 10 years ago.
Sine that time, I've received apologies. Promises to change ....invitations to return to a shared bed with my husband. The thought terrifies me. 10 years ago feels like yesterday.