South Side Owl

A not-so-wise owl trying to make it through my days. I love to watch and obsere

[southsideowl]

We got new couches today. They are soft brown microfiber couches that looked like leather from a distance. Very classy looking.

Our living room now looks a bit less "90s" or even more so ... our living room looks a bit less like "we are too poor to have nice furniture". (Our old blue couches were ripped and had stains.)

My husband is currently bragging about our new purchases like we just bought a Mercedes .... when in actuality, the couches were in the discount section of Ashley furniture. We paid about $500 less for these two couches than we did for the two couches that we bought in 1998.

Oh well. The couches do look great in our living room.

6/29/19

[southsideowl]

There is a woman I work with. She looks to be in her mid 30s.

She's beautiful, extremely smart, talkative around many people .... but not real talkative around me and a few other people in our department.

At first I really didn't like her.

I thought she was arrogant.

However after working with her for awhile and going on a couple non-work related outings, I just accept that she has somewhat of an introverted personality and - well - when you are dealing with two people with introverted personalities (me being the other one), there may be gaps in conversation. We ended up talking in length about genealogy during a work lunch, which changed my mind about her being a snob.

That said, this woman dyes her hair a different color every few months, she wears the trendiest clothes, she owns and rides horses. She is respected and successful at her job.

Is it odd to say I want to grow up and be like someone 10 years younger than me?

[southsideowl]

My husband, when we slept in the same bed, used to make me sleep with my back to him at the far edge of the bed. If I wanted to change positions, he'd wake me up and ask me to turn back to the position with my back to him. Edge of the bed.

For years, this is what I did. I put up with this. Stupidly. I felt like I couldn't move. If I did, I knew he'd get upset and wake me up.

My back starting hurting. I felt ugly. I I felt ignored. I became resentful.

Eventually after years of putting up with this, disgusted, I finally decide to ignore my husband's demands and I went to bed - spread out facing my husband.

Facing any way I wanted! I was done with controlling unreasonable demands. Every request to turn over, I ignored.

After a few days, my husband - realizing that I wasn't listening anymore- put a line of pillows, separating us in bed.

I simply grabbed one of the pillows and slept on them. My husband didn't yell at me or attempt to argue when I did this. He just mumbled angry words to himself. Words I could not hear.

One night, I must have been snoring or breathing loud or something ... I woke up to my husband swearing continuously " Fuck, fuck, fuck" These words were clearly directed toward whatever I was doing while I slept. I managed to return to sleep.

A short while later, I woke up to a what felt like something hitting my pillow.

It was my husband's fist.

He didn't hit me. He hit the pillow I was sleeping on.

I got up, grabbed a blanket, the wounded pillow and left the room. I haven't slept in that bed with my husband since. That was 10 years ago.

Sine that time, I've received apologies. Promises to change ....invitations to return to a shared bed with my husband. The thought terrifies me. 10 years ago feels like yesterday.

[southsideowl]

Bay View Methodst Church

There is a woman who attends. Her name is Mary. She is - I've been told - getting close to 80 years old. She doesn't look close to 80.

We actually met her years ago when my older son needed volunteer hours and we went to the church to help. Mary helps the church every Sunday in the kitchen: stocking the kitchen, teaching new volunteers, helping to keep things moving so that families and people in need get their meals. This is hard work and I say this as a woman in my 40s.

Mary taught my teenage son how to cut vegetables. She taught him how to flip grilled cheeses easily with a spatula. She always has a smile and amazingly made my son smile.

I know this sounds corny, but I wish everyone - especially myself- were like her.

[southsideowl]

My husband and I are going to church tomorrow. This is the first time we've gone to church together (outside of a funeral or a first communion) in about 7 years.

Bay View Methodist Church.

We are not even Methodist.

However, I know kind people who go to this church and a major thing lacking in my family is kindness. So to this church we go.

[southsideowl]

Puma running shoes. That is what I bought my son today. We actually ended a morning and afternoon of musical lessons, Sylvan, going out for gourmet mac and cheese, then the shoes.

The shoes are a gray mesh with the red Puma emblem. Flexible, comfortable, and very trendy.

In the future, when I see the shoes, they will remind me that with every horrible day, I will have a good day. That with the sadness that can at times take over my entire body, there is my son, his gray Puma shoes, and the reminder that good days do emerge out of sad days.

[southsideowl]

I call her Lollipop girl. This is a mean nickname I know. However considering Lollipop girl occasionally sends me emails CCing our boss when she takes issue with my work style, I don't feel too bad about this nickname.

The reason behind the nickname began when our manager gave us instructions to create callouts in the shape of a lollipop. (We write technical manuals and callouts are the lines in a graphic that tell you what something is.) Well ... after this instruction, this woman asks me what shape to make the callouts. I looked at her (oddly I'm sure) and answered, "Um, in the shape of a lollipop - a line with a circle." Her reply then was, "Lollipops can be square or rectangular or any shape. "

To this day, I wonder how I kept my face normal with this reply.

Lollipop girl.

[southsideowl]

There is a meditation app on my phone called Aware. The app is good. It helps me breathe, calm down, think about the here and now instead of the past.

I should be using it right now instead of typing.

If only this app were able to help me with my future.

[southsideowl]

Lost

I’m so lost for direction.  Lost in my marriage.  Lost with my kids.  Lost in in my day-to-day decisions.  Lost in my life.

My husband today actually told me that he “did not see our marriage problems coming”.  

I wish I could amplify this 100-fold when I say ... really?

His wife sleeping in the basement for 10 years wasn’t a sign? Horrendous fights every few months for 15 years wasn’t a sign? Barely communicating about anything other than Facebook jokes and daily gossip wasn’t a sign? 7 years ago - me telling him that if he doesn’t pay attention to his marriage and his wife - I will divorce him when our youngest graduates high school WASN’T A SIGN?

Now I’ve moved out. We are going to marriage counseling. Husband is promising me that he will change. For some reason I want to believe him, I want to go back, I want to forget the years, and years of neglect and selfishness.

I want my kids back to their happy younger selves.

He says he “took me for granted”.  He says  he is never going to ignore me like he did - that he will help more, do more, listen more. Even being a self-proclaimed non-gambler, I know the odds of him actually changing.  I know the odd of that kind of selfishness just going away. 

I’m not stupid.  I’m just lost.

[southsideowl]

Stumbled upon this gem a few years ago.  Amazing.

[southsideowl]

I just listened to This American Life’s - Anatomy of Doubt.  

A great, gripping, suspenseful podcast.  Of all the feelings - doubt (especially when it’s concerning people who are close to you) can be one of the most dreadful.  

[southsideowl]

[southsideowl]

This week so far, I watched both my son’s being inducted into Honor Societies. My oldest - the National Honor Society. My youngest - the National Junior Honor Society. 

There are times, especially during times like this, I think back and look at my brother and I as kids.  Like my kids, I was smart.  My brother even smarter (he was brilliant).  However, I never ever came close the the honor roll. I stayed up late, procrastinated with homework, and slept during classes.  My brother, like me barely tried either.   He missed an entire grade of school because he didn’t feel like going to school.

This proves to me that intelligence - by itself - means absolutely nothing if you don’t have support of the family teachers anyone to help you move forward. Someone, anyone to kick you in the butt.  Kids need that.

Sometimes I wonder, if my brother and I weren’t caught up in a divorce - or if mom didn’t work 12-hour shifts - or if a teacher knew that no one was around to remind us to do our homework - maybe things would have been different for us. Yeah, I know it’s all probably a waste of time to think about thinks like this.  But these thought creep up anyways.

All that said - I am so, so proud of my kids.

[southsideowl]

Find a swimming suit in my house that won't remind me how much weight I've gained over the winter.

[southsideowl]

As the riders loped on by him he heard one call his name  "if you want to save your soul from hell a-ridin on our range  then cowboy change your ways today or with us you will ride tryin to catch the devil's herd across these endless skies"

One of the countless songs that convinced me how amazing and therapeutic music is.

[southsideowl]

[southsideowl]

This is irony (unfortunately).  The bullshit I hate the most is at many times the fuel to my fire.