letters for my valentine

[souvenirsdevanille-blog]

I thought i was fine. If i just ran like this forever i would never feel it. Like it couldn’t catch me. I couldn’t… i couldn’t run forever. You took my breath away. You took my nights and my dreams with it. God knows i tried. To stay with you and to leave you and none of them worked well. I miss the rain, i miss the rainbows and sunsets and the sea and the shore and the sound of the waves. I miss the breakfasts and the bereakups. I miss being angry with you. I miss making up and i miss crying because of you and for you. I don’t miss missing you. I don’t want to miss you. I am tired of missing you. Feels like forever. Like half of my life i waited for you without knowing and the other half was even longer. The days didn’t pass by, time didn’t fly. Nothing got better. And now, i am too scared to find the answers. Either way, it hurts. No answer is good enough and no answer is right… or wrong. Please come and hold my hand so that i know i won’t be alone anymore, so that i know you will be there when i go to bed. So that i will know all the answers if that is what i need…

[souvenirsdevanille-blog]

Open your eyes. Open them. Has the time come? What time is it? While trying to separate your clinging eyelids, you just hope it is not time yet. So you can sleep more. So you can sleep forever. Anything works if you do not need to get in touch with your brain. There it is. The daylight. The slight brightness of the room through your pupils right into your brain. Probably it is around 8:00-8:30 a.m. Great! Your brain just started up, making assumptions. You just try to remember how and when you fell asleep. Probably around 1:00 a.m., watching something, anything that could work like a buffer zone between you and your conscious. Anything that could plug you out. The battery is never dead though, you just prefer living on standby. Standing by the screen, not thinking, not feeling anything about yourself but those imaginary people and their life, their problems, their flow. It is always easier to run away. So, when and how did you become a coward champ? You start calculating, how much you have slept if you fell asleep like 1:00 a.m. It is around 7 hours more or less. Not bad. You feel like you haven’t slept for days though, weeks even... Is it because sleeping does not help when it is your soul that is tired? Tired of what? Tired of yourself! How do you run away when it is also you who is chasing? You can’t. That is why you feel so exhausted and fed up. It has always been you, your thoughts, your feelings that dragged you down the hill. It was even them who pushed you down there in the first place. You are angry at yourself aren’t you? You should have pulled your shit up together a long time ago. So today is the day you start your new life, with your new state of mind and you change everything, you create miracles and you will live happily ever after! Like every other day...

[souvenirsdevanille-blog]

Run away she said. Run away from everything that sticks in your throat and everything that can not come out as tears. Everything that hurts so bad that you can not breathe anymore. I know, everything in your mind, comes down your spine, sneaks into your chest and wreathe there, just like that, for days, months, years… sometimes forever. So heavy, that you can not move anymore. Even when all you need is to run, so fast that nothing and no one can chase you anymore, you end up sitting there, collapsed into the chair, staring into the loneliness like all the answers you need lies in the darkness.

Ground control to major tom! Are you still alive?

You can not breathe, you can not feel, you can not see, everything you try to reach out to slides through your fingers, you can not even slightly touch anything like life continues in the outer space, in a further distance behind a glass wall, you just watch it pass by. Does that still count as being alive?

How did it it feel like being alive anyway? Was that about feeling happy? When was the last time you felt that, whatever that was. You do not even remember anymore, how it looked like, how it felt like, how it tasted like… Was it always just a moment in eternity that you wanted to freeze in your mind or was it forever once upon a time?