ohcharlies:
it’s the sound, charlie registers, before the pain. a crack like a whip, so loud in their small kitchen that it drowns out everything else. and then it’s the sting, biting into charlie’s cheek as though he was in the middle of a snowstorm. everything goes black for a moment, and he can feel the way his hands still–so still–before they slip back down towards his sides. it’s all of a sudden too hot, so fucking hot that charlie feels as though he’s burning. he wants to move, to take off his shirt, to do something but his body is rooted to the ground and all he can register at the moment is the heat radiating down from his cheek all the way to his toes. a part of him almost wonders if this is what dying feels like, because charlie can feel every breath, every god damn molecule vibrating in his body. are his eyes closed? he can’t tell, but charlie can feel them burning. is he still crying? maybe, his cheeks feel damp but there’s a part of him that knows those sobs aren’t his. whose are they? whose are they?
when he finally comes back it’s to soso’s broken and tumbling words. charlie is helpless to the onslaught of them, helpless to the way they make him feel. he must be coming down, that’s it, because his emotions aren’t making sense and neither is his brain. his body doesn’t feel like his own, in fact, nothing feels real, and for a moment charlie even wonders if he’s awake. something in the back of his mind whispers that word, dissociating, but even then he can’t even process the meaning behind it. the fractals are leaving, as are the colors, and it almost makes charlie scared that the walls are no longer breathing in time with his own. maybe that’s a good thing, because his chest is heaving as though air is no longer reaching his lungs. a lurch of his stomach, and once again charlie feels as though he could empty it’s contents, but for now he chooses to swallow down the bile.
when his gaze travels back to the other males face it’s soso, completely soso. there is no longer any traces of the white rabbit, gone before his very eyes, and it takes charlie a moment to register that the sobbing he had heard earlier was coming from the boy before him. it strikes something deep within his chest, something that hurts, and charlie is no longer able to keep himself upright on his feet. his knees hit the linoleum with a resounding thud, and there’s no doubt that there will be bruises on them tomorrow, but in a way charlie feels like he deserves those. he deserves those bruises just as much as he deserved that slap across the face. he lost himself. chased the rabbit too far, and now soso was staring at him as though he was no longer the same person. maybe he wasn’t. maybe charlie had finally become so fucked up that soso didn’t recognize him anymore. if charlie looked in the mirror, would he even recognize himself as well?
❝ kyungso– ❞ his voice is just as broken as soso’s, small and withering, getting caught in the back of his throat due to his own tears. charlie is coming down, and he’s coming down hard, and it’s only a matter of time before he feels far worse than he is right now. he doesn’t even realize when he slips into his mother tongue, the korean that he hadn’t spoken in so long sounding almost alien to his own ears. ❝ kyungso, i’m so sorry. i’m so sorry i didn’t–i didn’t mean it. i didn’t mean…i didn’t mean to scare you. ❞ he’s inching forward on the floor, arms stretched out as though he’s a child seeking comfort. when the male makes no movement they wrap around his torso, and charlie wastes no time burying his face into the softness of soso’s tummy. his shoulders shake with a sob. god, it’s been so long since he’s cried. charlie almost forgot what it felt like. ❝ please, don’t leave me. don’t go away. i need you. i need you here with me. kyungso–i don’t want you to leave. i’m sorry. i’m so sorry. ❞
✨ --- everything he’s feeling makes so little sense. the anger is what hurts the most, because as much as he doesn’t want to feel it he knows he has to. he knows somewhere in the back of his mind that he’s allowed to be angry, and that it’s no surprise he got tired carrying more than he was capable of handling. he gave charlie so much love for --- often enough --- next to nothing in return. it’s the most pure and selfless love, and soso couldn’t help but feel cheated for how much it was coming back to bite him in the ass. he wants to walk away. turn on his heel and go out the front door and walk until he knows nobody can find him. maybe then charlie would finally chase him, too. how sweet that would be.
he almost doesn’t notice when charlie falls to the ground. the thud vibrates through the floor and soso feels it on the bottoms of his feet. when he looks down at charlie his entire heart seizes up like a clenched first. it hurts, and it’s tense and makes his chest feel ready to burst from the pressure. and when charlie slips out of english and into his broken korean the built up pressure in soso’s chest deflates, bringing a shaking sob out with it. he hates that he’s crying. he hate’s that charlie’s crying into his shirt. everything about the situation he absolutely loathes. he wants to grab charlie by the arm and pull him up, tell him to snap out of it and that he is the one who should be sad right now. he is the one who had to be called by a different name in hopes someone else would manifest in his place. but he doesnt, because it’s him. and it’s charlie. and he’s so painfully in love that all he can do is fall to the ground and join him, tears still flowing down red, puffy cheeks. he leans back against the cupboards, looking up at the ceiling and giving a few quiet sniffles before looking to charlie again. the others grip around soso’s waist had come loose, now hanging in front of charlie’s frame, drooping towards the ground as his head did. soso’s own arms reach out, hands grabbing charlie’s wrists so that he can pull the older man to him. now, charlie is situated between soso’s outspread legs, head on soso’s shoulder and arms wrapped around him. he wraps his own arms around charlie, one hand rubbing slow, gentle circles into his back.
he sighs. his own korean is choppy --- self-taught from the age of nine, he only had a handle on the spoken tongue --- as his words morph shakily into the other language. they feel foreign coming from his mouth, sound foreign to his ears. he doesn’t feel like he’s hearing himself speak. perhaps it is the white rabbit after all.
“ i’m never going anywhere, you should know that by now. ” his hand moves under charlie’s shirt, fingers tracing up and down his spine. “ i know you didn’t mean to. you’re coming down from a nasty high ... i should have been more gentle with you. ” as he speaks he tightens his grip around the other, desperately pulling him closer so that he can rest his own head on charlie’s, placing kisses lightly on the top of his head.
“ i love you so much, char ... so much it doesn’t even make sense. i hate it. ” his words are whispered into the charlie’s hair, so quiet he almost can’t hear himself. “ i wish i could convince you to stop chasing him and just come home to me instead. ”
