For Just Such a Time As This

An LGBT Christopagan's journal of tarot readings. This blog will chronicle my spiritual journey.

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Three Card Spread

March 25, 2018

1. What I Want: Nine of Swords (comfort, satisfaction, happiness)

2. What I Have: Five of Wands (disagreement, strife, conflict, competition)

3. What I Need: XII - The Hanged Man (suspension, restriction, letting go, sacrifice)

This reading could not have been laid out so simple or so quickly. Literally all I did beforehand was light my two main prayer candles, grab my tarot deck and shuffle it a bit, and snatch three cards. Bam. My life laid out before me.

The first two are an easy given. But what they apply to specifically in my life is where it gets me.

I thought of my family. Especially my parents.

On the surface, it looks like we’re okay. My dad sometimes takes me out for lunch; my mom sometimes goes to a movie with me and we have a drink afterward. I can go hang out at their house for a day and we will get along. We can text “I love you” to each other. We joke, we laugh, we cook meals. We can have conversations without yelling or arguing. It seems like it’s okay.

But it really isn’t okay. Not since I came out to them almost three years ago.

As long as I avoid certain topics that cover a major part of my life, it’s okay. When I’m with my dad I’m actively cautious on what I say and how I answer certain questions. With my mom she never even bothers to ask. I’m still trying to process the long term effects of my childhood and of course I cannot go to them about it because they are still good in their eyes. They don’t see anything wrong with some of the things that happened that were definitely wrong. My dad talks about me to his friends like I’m some special case. He’s showed blatantly homophobic (as in, “if you’re gay you’re demon possessed and need healing” level of homophobic) videos to me as if they will change my mind. I’ve been taught not to show anger around him because he knows how to make me feel wrong/guilty/sinful/evil/etc etc if I show the slightest rage. I feel like he snuffed out the fire in me. And my mom will openly make fun of my identity like it’s not something that is threatened daily.

But long story short, my relationship with my parents doesn’t feel steady. It feels fragile. And it’s not comfortable or happy or anywhere near what I want it to be. I have to function as a shadow of myself around them to get along and it’s not okay. So that explains the first two cards.

When I drew the Hanged Man I just about started crying.

I want my parents to love me for who I really am so, so bad. More than anything. But what if that never happens? What if it’s always going to be like this? Is the Hanged Man saying that my need for healthy parent relationships is holding me down? That I need to let go of ever being accepted by them?

I’ve been told I should just cut them off. but i can’t...I need a mom. I need a dad. I need them to love me again. And not just the me they want me to be. The Me that they’re stuck with the rest of their lives. What is out there that I need to release if I’m ever going to be happy again?

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Full Moon Spread - March 1, 2018

1. Knight of Wands/Fire (energy, passion, lust, adventure, action).

2. XIX: The Sun (fun, warmth, success, positivity, vitality).

3. Ten of Pentacles/Earth (wealth, establishment, family, retirement).

4. I: The Magician (power, skill, action, concentration).

The dollar on the second card was placed there before I drew the cards and it basically means this is the card that will bring me money/fortune/etc. New technique of mine.

I think it’s interesting that I got a card about wealth just as I got a huge medical bill in the mail. And when I have top surgery pending that will also cost me a couple thousand dollars, whenever it actually happens this year. Trying to save the money I have and invest it so I’m better off in the future. But in the past several months I had to replace my phone, my laptop, then get my car fixed. Things aren’t so starry money-wise.

The Sun is the last sort of card I was expecting. I don’t think of myself as a very....’sunny’ person, you could say. I don’t think of myself as someone who radiates warmth or positivity, and I especially don’t see myself as entirely successful. And yet...my coworkers say my work ethic makes them want to actually come to work. I’ve successfully lived nearly a year all on my own and am making slow but sure progress in my writing. Maybe the “Sun” aspects of me are the ones that are hardest for me to see. Maybe I’m more of a fun, positive, successful person than I think I am.

As for the Knight of Wands and The Magician, these definitely relate to...doing something. A sense of action and urgency. So the question is, what part of my life do I need to start putting energy into and taking action in? As I enter the year with upcoming huge medical expenses (and big life changes), I can feel the stress piling on. Maybe I should be taking action on making sure that I’m ready for top surgery, and doing what I can to save money. Skimp on things and really, really hold back on the ‘Treat Yo Self’ moments. Usually I’m good with that but now and then I can get carried away and buy things I don’t need. That could definitely be something the cards are poking at, saying, “Hey, let’s work on living like no one else for this year so the top surgery doesn’t kick your checking account’s ass!”

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Opposing Forces - June 29, 2017

Four of Swords/Air (recuperation, rest, relaxation, passivity.)

Knight of Swords/Air (opinionated, hasty, action-oriented.)

Two things pulling on me in opposite directions. One is the eternal reminder to sit back, remember who I am, take in the calm of nature. And the other is my pull to be more active and wild, including from the influence of people around me.

I want to do things, explore, get my name out there. I have a plan in the near future to save up enough money to go on a road trip across the country while I’m still young and healthy. But it’s so easy to get pulled into the action and forget where I’m from and who I am.

The element I feel a strongest connection to is Earth, which relates to our body and our roots. Ironically, I’ve never felt a sense of roots. Never felt there was a place on this planet where I had a real home.

Be God with me. Show me who I am.

God asks, ‘What are you afraid of?’ I have to really think about that question.

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Four Elements Spread

June 17, 2017 - oh for the old days of tarot reading when I would do these things once a week rather than a handful a year

Fire. Ten of Wands/Fire (burden, responsibility, stress, achievement.)

Water. Eight of Pentacles/Earth (education, engagement, apprenticeship.)

Air. King of Pentacles/Earth (disciplined, controlling, abundance).

Earth. Nine of Water/Cups/Water (wishes fulfilled, comfort, happiness, satisfaction.)

Essence/Spirit. Knight of Wands/Fire (energy, passion, lust, adventure.)

A lot in my life has changed since I last did a spread. I moved away from my parents (at last - I splurged on witchcraft supplies for my altar and it was totally worth it). I got a new job that’s better than my last one. Oh, and I got my first car and have been making new friends at work. It’s been a hectic couple of months but all for good reasons.

No Swords in this deck which might be worth noting. Two Pentacles, two Wands, and a Cup, with only the Pentacles back to back. So maybe that means that for right now, the elements of Earth and Fire are my primary focus right now, Water is a secondary focus, and Air seems to be on the sidelines. And I understand the elements should be balanced but I guess some of them need my attention more at the moment.

Fire (passion, creativity, pull to aggression and sense of adventure) seems very relevant. I definitely to have more stress and responsibilities right now, for reasons mentioned above. Maybe this card is saying I need to be more responsible and proactive about channeling my passions and energy in the right direction. I do have a lot more freedom now having my own car and no longer living with my parents, and I don’t want my taste for adventure to get me into trouble, aka send me off the deep end.

Water (emotion, love, sensitivity) could be nodding towards that I need to work more on reading my own emotions? Or is this more about letting others know what is going on with my emotions? Since I do tend to hide them a lot from others. This could also be about paying attention to why certain things make me feel the way they do.

Air (thought, reason, intellect) really fits King of Pentacles because I’m on a sharp learning curve at work and my new life, and it’s stressful and hard. My job requires knowing a lot of things, and now that I’m living alone I need to work on a budget and all those fun adulting things. But this card could be a reminder that I have people above me who know what they’re doing and can help. I have a lot to learn but I don’t have far to look for them. As long as I remember where to look for help and ask questions, I will find the answers I need.

And Earth (material, and the element I seem drawn to most). This card seems ironic but almost not in a way. I feel anything but satisfied and happy when it comes to the material part of my life. Yes I’m doing pretty okay financially, but I want a place of my own. I also want to explore the world and see more things. I’ve never been really happy with where I live and always feel like I’m missing something. Maybe this card is saying “It’s okay not to feel comfort/happiness/etc in the material world.”

And finally the Essence/Spirit of this reading, back to Fire. Yes, this reading has given me a lot of new passion and sense of creativity for what I need to do next. But as much as that is good, I need to know how to channel that in the right direction. I can’t let my sense of adventure and even my aggression go the wrong way or I’ll get in deep trouble. I have my passion; now I just need to use it in the way it was meant to be used.

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In a few weeks when I turn 21 I’m going to do a special summoning/blessing for my Guardian Angel/Headmate. I have to wait until I’m 21 because whiskey will really help get his attention and I want to purchase it myself. But I also know cigarettes will do the trick too. Meaning I’ll have to smoke at least one for my Guardian Angel.

The problem is I used to smoke but I decided to quit back in November. If I buy a pack will I have the willpower to throw it out/give it away? And if I do use it up afterward will I have the willpower to make this the only pack I smoke again?

Or will my Guardian Angel allow me to just use one of my old lighters to avoid the temptation? Help XD

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My first binding spell

So for an introduction. Recently I found an actual name for what I would consider my religion: Christopaganism! To sum up this basically means that I believe in the core foundations of Christianity but also with pagan practices and such, and a more extensive view of “God” than just the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. There’s a lot more about it I could write here but that’s not my focus of this post.

Today I heard about the #BindTrump spell a lot of witches are doing tonight and I thought, what a perfect chance to do my first spell! Fuck Trump.

I’m still very new at all the pagan stuff. I only have two tarot decks and a very limited supply of other items, and it doesn’t help that I’m still living with two very conservative Christian parents who would be very upset if they found out I was Christopagan (worst case scenario, I’d be kicked out of the house). Which makes practicing my religion freely difficult. But for now I’m making do with what I can, and even though I’m a newborn little witch, I figure I have to get my feet wet and trust God with the rest!

For the binding spell, I followed the instructions as listed in this article. I laid out my white candle, bowl of water, bowl of salt, a pen (to substitute for the feather), to form a square. In the middle I had my old leather Bible, with the Tower tarot card balance beneath, and the orange candle on the bottom. For good measure I had my Bane figure on my righthand side because I knew he wanted to be part of this too. Following the steps of the ritual was easy but I took my time, didn’t want to rush my first spell. Could have done it perfectly if I wasn’t afraid of getting caught by my parents, but hey, I know God understands where I’m at. And as a friend put it, intent by itself is very powerful.

During and afterward, I could really feel God’s anger at injustice. Not just at Trump but all the people in history like Trump who have done so many horrible things to minority groups. And even more so, I could feel God’s heart breaking and his anger exploding at the Christians back then who knew what was going on and did nothing! I wish I didn’t understand why churches shut their doors to the people who need help the most, but growing up in a small conservative church I honestly do understand it, and it’s sickening and horrifying to say the least. God’s anger doesn’t always feel the same inside me. Tonight it was a dark, gray sinking feeling, like stormy clouds; when you’re so angry you have no words and all you can do is cry. It’s a deep ache in your bones.

And as I felt God’s anger at Trump and the church, I told him how much I want to make a difference. I asked him to show me how I can fight back. I’m done with the American Christian church for many reasons and I’ve figured out that in order to follow Jesus the way I’m called to, I will no longer belong in the church (which is fine because I’m transgender so most of them don’t want me anyway, haha). My path is narrow and scary. But I have to do something about my day and age. I can’t just sit by and be conformed to the Christian patterns anymore. I’m done. I’m done. I’m done.

Being my first spell I didn’t have a huge “epiphany” moment I guess. It wasn’t electrifying or overwhelming. I understand I need practice with this, and that’s okay. I’ll get there. But something did happen for sure. I felt that I could talk to God and feel what he feels. And I hope that my binding spell, combined with all the others happening tonight, will do great works in turning this country for the better. I’m going to make some notes about what to do for my next spell for sure. And we’ll see what happens.

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Who else is binding Trump tonight?

This was actually my first ever spell I practiced and it was a pretty amazing experience!!

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Four Card Spread

February 18, 2017

Important and Immediate. O - The Fool (beginnings, innocence, spontaneity, a free spirit.)

Important but not Immediate. Seven of Fire/Wands (Illusion, fantasy, imagination.)

Immediate but not Important. Two of Fire/Wands (progress, discovery, decision).

Not Immediate and not Important. Nine of Water/Cups (wishes fulfilled, comfort, happiness, satisfaction.)

I haven’t done a spread in a long time...but this is my first of 2017!

The first card tells me that my new beginnings going on right now are very important to my self, and are urgent matters I shouldn’t overlook. One of these is obviously my transition. By the way, just last night I did my first Testosterone injection! So to get The Fool right after that is very significant.

Seven of Wands might relate to the daydreams I use to cope, and how they have always been special to me. But maybe they are not what I should be regressing to necessarily right now. Maybe I need to use other methods to cope other than retreating deep into my imagination?

For my third card, the Two of Wands may be talking about decisions I’m supposed to be making to further my outward life. Things like getting a driver’s license, getting a car, finding an apartment, moving away from my parents, and so on. The card is reminding me that while these are blaring issues taking up a lot of my energy and time, they are not important when it comes to my inward life. That I can take a deep breath and remember that it’s going to work out.

And finally, the last card. I feel like this card is, again, telling me to take a deep breath. Because while I do have some good things going on for me (such as Testosterone and getting a job), there are lots of others depriving me of comfort and happiness. Like my mental illnesses. Like my family. Like my dysphoria. but this card looks at me and says, “You’re not going to find satisfaction and comfort and fulfillment all at once...and that’s okay. You’re taking steps in the right direction. You’re getting there. Focus on other things and it’ll be okay.”

This spread itself felt comforting today.

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Yule Christmas Spread

December 22, 2016

1. The Star: What is your star (guiding light)? Seven of Swords/Air (Betrayal, deception, getting away with something, stealth).

2. Candle: What are you hopeful about? XIV - Temperance (Balance, moderation, patience, purpose, meaning).

3. Wreath: What are your visions for the future? Where do you see yourself this time next year? King of Pentacles/Earth (Security, control, power, discipline, abundance).

4. The Shepherds: What are you tending/watching over? Queen of Swords (Quick thinker, organized, perceptive, independent).

5. The Angel: What glad tidings do you bring? King of Swords/Air (Clear thinking, intellectual power, authority, truth).

6. Wassail: How will you find joyfulness in the coming year? Seven of Pentacles/Earth (Vision, perseverance, profit, reward, investment).

7. The Magi: What gifts do you carry? Knight of Cups/Water (Romance, charm, ‘Knight in shining armour’, imagination).

8. The Child: How is God showing up in your life? Nine of Swords/Air (Depression, nightmares, intense anxiety, despair).

9. Holly - What is your source of rebirth? IV - The Emperor (Authority, father-figure, structure, solid foundation).

10. Evergreen - What is your power that will last through dark, cold seasons of life? III - The Empress (Fertility, femininity, beauty, nature, abundance).

11. Bethlehem - What parts of you are in ‘deep, dreamless sleep’? (What are you missing?) Queen of Wands/Fire (Exuberance, warmth, vibrancy, determination).

12. Mistletoe - What is your good fortune? Five of Swords/Air (Conflict, tension, loss, defeat, win at all costs, betrayal).

First, the patterns.

Begins and ends with a Sword

2 Kings, 1 Queen, 1 Knight (that sum, 4, times the three (Ki, Q, Kn) = 12

The number 7 appears twice. 9 and 5 are the other numbers. 7 plus or minus 2 equals either of those numbers.

Emperor and Empress are back to back, and in reverse order

Queen and King of Swords are also back to back, also in reverse order

3 Major Arcana, 9 Minor Arcana. Also at least one card from each Minor

A card that speaks of betrayal, deception, and the act of getting out of something as my ‘guiding light.’ Does this mean that being cautious of those things will guide me? This card also hints at going alone. Maybe that’s my guide. Temperance definitely fits because finding balance and purpose is my life is what I’m hopeful for next year. The same goes for King of Pentacles fitting my vision quite well. For what I’m watching over, I wonder if it means I need to watch over how I approach others and how my emotion coincides with my logic, that is, letting emotion get in the way of rationale. Might be something I need to keep an eye on.

My message is that of intellectual power and authority? Really? Maybe that’s a potential I haven’t even tapped into yet. I’d love to be that voice of truth and authority in the Christian church on LGBT issues - teach Christians how to stop living in bigotry and hate - and I’m still trying to figure out how to do that. This is something to chew on...

Seven of Pentacles seems to fit because I feel pretty sure that getting money and preserving at my job will make me very happy (because money, of course). The Knight of Cups as my gifts seems odd right now because I don’t think I’m a charming or romantic person. But maybe I can be a new kind of charming to people. Or maybe it’s more about my imagination and creativity. The Emperor as my rebirth and The Empress as my power both seem fascinating, especially because they seem to be paired up (as in, the same thing that gives me rebirth and the thing that gets me through next year are very close). Maybe the fact that the Empress is about femininity relates to my inner power that I can defeat the biologically ‘feminine’ parts of my body as I transition in 2017?

Queen of Wands as what I’m missing out on is interesting especially because she seems to describe the opposite of my personality. I’m not courageous, highly energetic, vibrant, or an extrovert. Unless that’s a misconception of myself. And I really do have energy and passion in me that’s going unused...or perhaps I need to use it in ways that are unexpected. And full circle, a card that speaks of conflict and betrayal as my good fortune leaves me scratching my head. Is my good fortune the avoidance of a fight, or the silver lining of the fight? I’m really not sure.

But the card that hit me hardest was the one for the Child - how God is showing up in your life. The Nine of Swords represents basically every negative part of my life. I have severe depression and anxiety. I have nightmares almost every night. And for this spread to say that’s how God is showing up in my life?! Why would God appear as my demons?

But then, of course, I remembered the message of Christ’s arrival on earth as a human infant. It’s the whole point of Christmas, really - God becoming us. And when God became us, he didn’t just become our good parts. He became everything that hurt us, all that the world turned us into.

Jesus the Christ knows what depression and anxiety are. He knows what nightmares are. And this is where he is waiting for me - at the worst of myself. Here he meets me and is ready to let me be with him. There is no suicidal night I’ve been through where Jesus can honestly say “I don’t know what that’s like.” Whatever happens to me, through every panic attack, God is there. Jesus became all of our worst so we could embrace God’s everything. And ironically, that’s the message of Christ coming to earth on this holiday we call Christmas.

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Yule Christmas Tarot Spread

I was unable to find a spread that combined Yule symbolism and paganism with the Christian perspective on the Christmas season. So I made one of my own and made the spread in the shape of the Yule tree.

I am going to do this spread later tonight, so stay tuned! :)

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Color coded charts of the Major and Minor Arcana I made. Feel free to use!

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"Carpe Diem” Spread

November 17, 2016

Energies surrounding you. Ace of Air/Swords (raw power, victory, break-throughs, mental clarity.)

Energies working against you. I - The Fool (beginnings, innocence, spontaneity, a free spirit.)

Creative aspect. Nine of Water/Cups (wishes fulfilled, comfort, happiness, satisfaction.)

Manifesting aspect. Ten of Earth/Pentacles (wealth, inheritance, family, establishment, retirement.)

Spiritual aspect. King of Water/Cups (emotional balance, control, generosity.)

I find it very fascinating that the Ace of Swords appeared in this spread again, having appeared in my last reading. Last time the card represented my “outcome.” Now it’s for “energies surrounding me.” That’s a pretty special indicator because it means I have already achieved the outcome I was looking for. Or at the least, what I was looking for is around me now.

Which makes sense. Since my last reading, some really great things have been happening. I got a job. I got a new trans-friendly therapist (who could get me started on HRT and prepare me for top surgery real soon). This really ties in with the Ten of Pentacles since it seems that on a financial and medical level, I’m gaining at least some sort of wealth. It’s the beginning of a new journey for me.

The Fool has me scratching my head. New beginnings are a good thing for me right now, but is this card saying I still need to be careful? Perhaps the new things will have some complications that will try to drain my energy. Job stress (on top of my social anxiety issues), and my family being against the idea of HRT and top surgery, could very well be those things.

As for my creative aspect, the Nine of Cups seems like the part of me that I’m reaching for the most. I want to be happy. I want to be comfortable in my own body. I’m not sure how those are related to my creativity, but maybe if I keep channeling my creative spirit through writing and art, I can get those things sooner.

Finally, my spiritual aspect feels ironic and perfect at the same time. I haven’t had much emotional balance for a while, but maybe there is a part of me that can work towards getting a better handle on what I’m feeling. A part of me that can be more generous to others (see the new job, meaning the ability to spend money on loved ones). It’s something I want the most and have the least of, it seems. But I can’t find it alone. (Also, as always, note that the King is a masculine card...my spiritual aspect relates to my true masculine identity...hint hint.)

Sample of Scripture read during this spread: “My child, listen to me and treasure my instructions. Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding. Cry out for insight and understanding. Search for them as you would for lost money or hidden treasure. Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord, and you will gain knowledge of God.” (Proverbs 2:1-5)

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2 Card Tarot Ideas

Do / Don't 

Life / Death

Problem / Solution

Now / Later

Logical / Emotional

Yes / No

Internal / External 

Past / Future

Growth / Stagnation

Love / Hate

Apathy / Empathy

Find / Lose

Flaws / Strengths

Day / Night

Physical / Abstract

Stay / Leave 

Creation / Destruction 

Give / Take

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Personal Thoughts/Card of the Day

October 14, 2016

I spent ten years in complete isolation. and when I say “I had no friends” I don’t mean “I didn’t have a large circle of companions but if you mentioned a few names I would call them an old or a good friend of mine” I mean, NO FRIENDS. (and i’m talking IRL, not online friends, to be clear). No one. Nothing but kids who pretended to like me and would then talk over me (sometimes literally) to each other and could not give a shit what happened to me. kids who treated me like i was invisible unless there was a reason to laugh at me. kids who thought all i deserved was pity. kids who treated me like a joke. and besides kids, there were adults who pretended to care about me but when I came out as gay and trans? fuck that, they either turned on me or abandoned me completely and now all they care about is setting me right when they don’t even bother to fucking listen to me!!!!

and the ten years are over, I’m living in a new place, I’m going out of my way to try to make new connections and start over. maybe I can finally have a social life for the first time ever. but the damage is done. whenever i make a new friend i always wonder if they’re secretly talking shit about me behind my back or wondering when the hell I’ll stop clinging to them for attention and validation, or at what point will they know enough “dirt’ on me to just leave. and i’m just an awkward shy mess  because I don’t know how to be around people because everyone neglected me, and i was so isolated and alone and cut off, and i’m going to be stuck this way for the rest of my life and nOBODY GETS IT.

is anyone going to love me just for who i am or is everyone going to tease me, pity me, then leave me?

i’m just so. lost. and i feel like the past twenty years of my life were wasted. that i’m not worth anything to anybody unless i can prove my usefulness, even at the expense of my own self worth or pride. and it’s killing me.

I pull back from this personal rant, force myself to stand up, and reach for my tarot deck.

The Nine of Fire/Wands.

Courage, persistence, test of faith, resilience.

A card that speaks of a turning point when you leave the past behind and embrace the future. Turn a new leaf. Carry on.

Somehow, I must keep going. Maybe someday it will get easier.

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Six Card Spread

October 10, 2016

Current Position. Ace of Earth/Pentacles (manifestation, new financial opportunity, prosperity.)

The Challenge. Queen of Earth/Pentacles (practical, homely, motherly, down-to-earth, security.)

Your Strengths. Ten of Air/Swords (back-stabbed, defeat, crisis, betrayal, endings, loss.)

Past Influences. Nine of Earth/Pentacles (gratitude, luxury, self-sufficiency, culmination.)

Future Influences. King of Air/Swords (clear thinking, intellectual power, authority, truth.)

The Outcome. Ace of Earth/Swords (raw power, victory, break-throughs, mental clarity.)

Putting aside card meanings for a moment...this spread startled me with all of its patterns.

3 Pentacles, 3 Swords

suits follow a pattern of AABABB; each half is opposite of the other

starts and ends with an Ace

a King and a Queen

a Ten and a Nine. 10 - 9 = 1 (Ace)

“Strengths” minus “Past Influences” equals “Outcome” (???)

To summarize, the first card explains my current place in life exactly. As for the Queen, the challenge seems to be that that’s where I want to be, and the challenge is getting there/having trouble getting there. Future Influences seems very promising too, especially since I recently lined up a new psych and therapist (Swords do have to do with the mind, after all!)

Also could not help noting that the Challenge is a feminine figure, while a masculine figure lies in my Future Influences. As a transgender male who has yet to go on hormones and surgery, this does not seem insignificant to me at all. “Feminine” aspects of my life - my body, my birth name, how I’m treated - may be a challenge now, but I have to remember that a King is waiting for me and will change all of that one day.

The card for Strengths and Past Influences baffled me at first. My “strengths” are those awful things? But then I remembered that those words perfectly described the last ten years of my life. How I lived those years feeling like all those things (crisis, betrayal, loss, etc.) were my weaknesses, things that held me down and wore me out. But God is saying something to me. “That’s the whole point,” He tells me in a soft but firm whisper. “What used to wear you down can build you up. Those ten years will not go to waste. They tried to burn you alive, but you will rise from those ashes. The arrows are now your armor, my dear prince.”

As for Past Influences, I realized that I used to have things like gratitude and harmony, but I don’t anymore. I used to live a life pretending everything was fine with me, but then that was taken away almost exactly ten years ago. I used to fit in with other Christians, and now because I’m bi and trans, I don’t fit in. Maybe the point was never to fit in. Maybe God doesn’t want me to feel gratitude or harmony when I look at the Christian community I was raised in. Maybe I’m supposed to feel everything that the Nine of Pentacles isn’t.

And finally, the last card. What a breath of fresh air. What a promise. Clarity, breakthrough, and most important, victory is the outcome for me. I will conquer. I will be strong. I will endure.

Sample of the Scripture I read with this spread: “We are pressed on every side by our troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don’t give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going.” (2nd Corinthians 4:8-9)

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“Where Do I Go From Here?”

September 9, 2016

Where I am coming from. Queen of Water/Cups Reversed (emotional insecurity, co-dependency.)

Where I am. King of Earth/Pentacles (security, control, power, discipline, abundance.)

Direction headed. Two of Fire/Wands (future planning, progress, decisions, discovery.)

Next step. XVI - The Tower Reversed (avoidance of disaster, fear of change)

Where I am going. XIX - The Sun (fun, warmth, success, positivity, vitality.)

Obstacle. Nine of Fire/Wands (on edge, defensive, hesitant, paranoia.)

My first reading in our new house! We moved in on Sunday and today was my first chance to try out this spread I have been wanting to do for a while.

Queen of Cups Reversed feels very accurate to where I am coming from, as my old home was a place that brought about a lot of insecurity and dependent behavior in me. But what’s interesting is that the King of Pentacles suggests the very opposite: security and control, among other things.

I don’t take this to mean that I am there right now, but that I don’t have to stay in the old place of insecurity and dependency. That if I let go and let myself just be, then I am there right here, right now. It’s where I can be as of now. I flipped open my Bible at random during my reading and landed on 2nd Corinthians 3:4-5: “We are confident in this all because of our great trust in God through Christ. It is not that we think we can do anything of lasting value by ourselves. Our only power and success comes from God.” This verse ties in so well to my reading!

Two of Wands is an obvious but positive reminder of what direction I need to take next. The next few months of my life are going to be full of even more changes, big decisions, and planning for my future. I need to actively make those steps. As for the next step, it seems like The Tower Reversed is a reminder for me to keep my eyes open and not get too happy or comfortable just because I’m finally away from the bad place I used to live.

But The Sun as the card for where I’m going? That’s very encouraging. It’s the exact opposite of what my mental illness tells me on a constant basis. My depression and anxiety (among other things I’m sure) tell me I’m never going to find happiness or success, much less ‘fun.’ But this could be my ‘take a deep breath, it will be all right’ moment.

And finally, my obstacle, which is quite obvious. I have lots of fear and hesitancy - and now that I’m older I’m starting to see that how my parents raised me trained that in me. But that is what I’m facing right now. What I have to deal with. It’s in my court right now and I can’t let that monster keep living under the bed or I will never rest.

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Two Card Spread

August 25, 2016

What must I let go of? II - The High Priestess (intuition, higher powers, mystery, subconscious mind.)

What will I gain/accomplish from this release? XIII - Death (endings, beginnings, change, transformation, transition.)

Oddly fascinating spread, even though it was supposedly such a simple one. Is it really saying I need to “let go” of my intuition and subconscious mind? Or is it my resistance to those things that I need to let go of? I feel a lot of the time I am driven by what I want others to see me as. I do things to make others happy, which isn’t a bad thing, but sometimes just making someone ‘happy’ isn’t necessarily the right thing, for them and for myself. Maybe I need to pay more attention to the higher power, that is, God.

The High Priestess also points to the unknown, indicating that my life is changing. It is, very much so. My younger sister who I’m very close to is going off to college tomorrow. We’re moving out of state in a couple weeks. My mom and I need new jobs. Our family atmosphere, and my personal life, is turning upside down extremely fast. So maybe now is the best time for me to let go of my hesitation to the subconscious, listen closely to my thoughts and my heart, and to God. I need to let go of my ‘self’ so I can hear more clearly. Finally this card is also supposed to be good for poets and writers, so I guess that’s a plus for me!

As for Death, the card once again feels extremely accurate, again because of all the changes going on. And a lot of endings and beginnings at the same time - the end of our life in one community, the beginning of life in another. The end of old family ways, the beginning of new ones. It’s a lot to process. But what to gain and accomplish? ‘Death’ tells me I need to embrace transformation and the changes going on, and to let go of the past. This card also seems to mean I need to let go of some unhealthy attachments or old habits, but also says that better habits and a good change within myself can emerge. So that is my hope.

Interesting how these two cards seem so intertwined. The answer did not come so simple and clear this time. Rather, both cards indicate what I need to release and what I will gain from that release. It’s a mix of messages. The High Priestess and Death both point to letting go, yet embracing other things, which is the whole point of this spread.

Even though it’s only a two card spread this feels like one of the most complex ones I’ve done in my short period of tarot readings so far.