sometimes iāve been asking myself, what the fuck are you doing, going forward with this trans thing? is it even worth it anymore, after all this shit youāve been through? what it might bring on you? iām so tired.
and then i have to remember, these are temporarily depressed thoughts from a traumatized mind. iāve been through some shit in life. a lot of people have. iām not even enjoying anything i used to. this isnāt āthe normal (optimal) meā, speaking from a real place in my mind that reflects my own happiness. iām justā¦ā¦ā¦ tired, and thereās that side that wants to accept its own exhaustion and not do anything, just hibernate post-trauma, to take care of its own brain, that feels that changes seem too daunting.
but like⦠the side of yourself that wants to change, thatās the side that will save your life. that side that keeps its mind open like a child, that imagines what would be most beautiful for yourself, and wants to reach out and get it. you HAVE to ignore the other side, and feed this side instead. you HAVE to wake up and do whatās right for you, for your future, not just for your temporary survival.
things that contribute to your comfort zone will kill you. the very phrase ācomfort zoneā is misleading ā you can be incredibly uncomfortable, and just resign yourself to it, just stay that way where nothing changes, purely because it is what you are used to doing, the way you had to live for so long. but that side will fucking kill you. you HAVE to kill it first, before it steals more days, years of your life ā because IT is killing YOU now, whether you do something about it or not.
you HAVE to make a long-term plan and do, and work for it.
you HAVE to take risks that feel scary, strange. you HAVE to expand your capabilities past what you think you can do.
you HAVE to challenge yourself. you HAVE to get EXCITED for that challenge! like a child excited for the first day of school. or nothing will change. you have to. it is not optional. you have no other choice but to get up and fucking do it.
i justā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ i feel things about this.
you HAVE to remember that the side that wants you to stay in stasis, with things all the same, is your enemy. itās killing you and you need to be stronger. faster. even on days, especially on days when you donāt possibly feel like you can, at all. but you have to.
you HAVE to feed the side thatās a little evel knievel, that takes risks, that wants to go boldly dyke-ily forward and race through life in your fucking motorcycle jacket⦠you literally have to or youāll die.
ādid you always know you were right?ā what a validating, respectful question, to someone who had been so judged in such a rigid time period and environment, someone who didnāt let any of that grind her the fuck downā¦for a mainstream television talking head to ask such a compassionate question, take such a stance, and in a little subtle way. just throwing it at her, in a way, to say that āyes, iām on your side.ā unexpectedly.
i think about this interview literally all the time. parts of it like that are what get me through life. ādid you always know you were right?ā yes, but i was made to doubt it and pushed around by people who didnāt recognize, or did but wouldnāt accept it. i predicted every trauma years before it happened but no one listened. you HAVE to respect that side of yourself, you HAVE to be gutsy, you HAVE to validate that part in yourself that no one else is validating. you HAVE to love her/him/her-him. you fucking HAVE to. iāve had enough of telling myself the same lies this world tried to tell me. (chronic invalidation as abuse tactic. female socialization on steroids ā more like pushover socialization. i was always too willful to fully accept it in my mind, but i still let it/these ppl take the reins and change my life, for the fucking worse.) they were not right and i know whatās right for me and iām going to chase it.