a personal thing

im so sorry

[spacegirlmills]

well the worst has happened and you no longer love me enough to not leave me. and what do i do now? i just live. sometimes living is out of spite. sometimes it’s out of joy. and sometimes it’s not just an obligation but something i can’t not do, there’s no opt out. so the worst has happened and i have to keep living. so i never thought it would come to this and not so quickly. so we’re broken already. you ask if i’d be better off alone and what am i supposed to say? yes, obviously. no, of course not. what’s the use of answering. yes i wish i hadn’t done it. yes i think we made a mistake. and now what. the worst has happened and now what. i cry myself to sleep and now what. i sob until my lungs hurt and then what. i’m still here. i still have to do this life thing just with less vigour and a lot more resignation.

[spacegirlmills]

nothing more painful than loving someone who no longer loves you back

or never really did

💔

i love you. i’m happy for you. i hate what i did to you. i hate what you did to me. i hope you’re happy. i hope you’re sad. i wish you still cared about me. i wish i didn’t care about you. i’m so glad you were in my life. and i wish i never met you

[spacegirlmills]

i hope your heart burns in your chest when you think of me. i hope the void in your lungs fills with wet guilt when i cross your mind

[spacegirlmills]

did you love me more when i left?

[spacegirlmills]

i’m so lucky to be in love

[spacegirlmills]

and i still leave room for you on the left side of the bed. i still sleep wrapped around a pillow because i got so used

to just having you around me

sometimes i can still smell your aftershave. lingering

on old tshirts and the hood of your old jumper

i still hear your name in my mouth a myriad of times a day

[spacegirlmills]

and i still leave space for you

on the other side of the bed

and i still awake to the thoughts of you

rolling around my head

and i still make the coffee the way you like it

milk in the afternoon, otherwise black

and i still am hoping you read this

and by some miracle will come back

[spacegirlmills]

even when we’re angry i want you so bad

[spacegirlmills]

i didn’t understand how a body could love another until i met you

my arms feel empty

when not wrapped around yours

and everything i do to keep them busy isn’t enough.

i miss the sound of your breath

the way your chest expands and contracts

filling and emptying, raising mine up with it

and bringing me back down

to earth

i could bury myself

in the nape of your neck

and survive on the scent of your aftershave

i miss you like oxygen

on the surface of the moon

you were built for me

and i was built for you.

[spacegirlmills]

i wish i could live in the forever between your arms 

[spacegirlmills]

it’s not enough. it’s never going to be enough. 

[spacegirlmills]

feeling not very good for no real reason today. got back in bed halfway thru the afternoon. cried at a deleted scene of the office.

ive reached a stage in my recovery where i look back on how i was feeling six months, a year ago, and today i burst into tears thinking about it. i read my old psychologist reports and it sounds like a different person. a different person that my heart hurts for. no one should even feel that much pain. no one should want their own lives to end, to be held down by family members to stop them from jumping. i read my old writing through the lense of a bpd diagnosis and so much makes sense. so much pain in someone so young. i wish i could hold her, stroke her hair. i wish my older self could come and hold me now. i feel sad today for no reason other than i used to be sad all the time.

[corredordelaberintos]

[spacegirlmills]

i keep saying im doing ok in this lockdown but im spending a hell of a long time in bed or on the sofa, curled around a pillow, staring into space or playing endless games of online solitaire. get to 6pm and write off another day as a waste, at least i survived. its not an unfamiliar experience. i don’t know why i’m so sorrowful. i don’t know why the melancholy settles here in my stomach. some days i am still sad for no reason other than i don’t know how to be anything else.

[spacegirlmills]

today i feel

the type of sad that makes you short of breath. the type that feels like empty lung can’t catch your breath, not immediately after you’ve been winded, but still recovering. i feel that type of sad. not sad enough to weigh me down, but sad enough to not be able to listen to happy songs. not sad enough to stop working, but enough to make me pause just every so often and feel the hollowness in my stomach.

[coltre]

loving and being loved is feeling the sun from both sides

[spacegirlmills]

future love don’t fall apart