Even the Mountains Must Fall Into the Sea
Two years ago, I thought my life was ending. Ethan had just been evicted from our apartment, and I would never see or hear from him or the girls again. With time, wisdom, personal growth and a lot of hard work, I see now that my life did not end that day. My life began that morning.
Only child-dom, while full of blessings, naturally produces a degree of fear of abandonment, and my very early childhood made that a little more severe for me. For most of my life, I thought I needed to find someone to be loved by as soon as humanly possible and it didn’t matter much how that person treated me as long as they would say that they loved and needed me. To spare you the psych-speak, I pretty much spent all my time trying to love others because I didn’t know how to love myself.
Very little of that is true today. I have learned a very difficult but immeasurably valuable, joyful lesson. I have discovered who Amelia Claire Engel truly is, and do you know what the best part is? Now that I know the heart and mind behind the things I feel, think and do, I can say I am absolutely head over heels in love with that girl. So in love that no one else gets to come before myself now. I am the #1 priority. It’s my time now. It’s my future to seize.
I can love myself now…*by myself.* Someday I may hitch my star to another’s wagon, but if that ever happens, it won’t be because I’m scared of a future alone. It will be only because I love the person I am with their help more than I love myself all alone.
I don’t share this to brag on myself, talk shit on an ex or make myself feel good. I’m writing this because there are people reading this that have the same fears and issues I do. I want you to know something. Maybe no one ever told you. Maybe they did, but your soul won’t let you believe them. Maybe you forgot.
You, by yourself, in your own unique way are enough! You are beautiful. You are good. You are not guilty. You are strong. You have value. You are smart. You can do anything you set your mind to. Don’t ever let the twists and turns of life convince you otherwise. Don’t let anything or anyone steal your spirit, and be mindful of who you hand it to. Everyone stumbles and falls. What matters is what you do when the bruises are healed and it’s time to keep moving. The hard times you go through aren’t dints and scratches; they’re the bright splotches of paint and glitter and straight up awesome that make you, YOU!
#730thdayofmylife #8/01/15
amandla
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