Spencer's blog

A roleplay account only: I portray Spencer Hastings from the hit tv series Pretty Little Liars (not the real deal)

[spencerjhastingsus]

Reaching that moment when I realize that everything I bother to post, or anything I think to say, any amount of growth, or wanting to be acknowledged but not wanting to beg for it because to be desperate is a sign of weakness, anything I say or do seems to bounce off walls and really reach no one. I’m tired of trying and knowing that nothing I say anymore is relevant. 

No, I get it. I have stuff in my life (work, obligations, errands, what little family I actually still have that give a crap about me), and by the time I get done with all of that I’m too drained to really exist on social media. And then the days come where I have free time and I’m the only one here or really there is just no connection happening between me and anybody else. Every day gets harder and longer when I realize I bother to stay connected and I don’t get to just talk to anybody. So I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it’ll get better or if like high school, once a certain point passes in our lives, we all just drift away. There is nothing left holding us together and I feel like crying daily because loneliness sucks. 

I’ve (more or less) lost my identifiable spark online. I can’t be me, but I think I can’t continue to just be one other identifiable character either. So what, and more importantly who am I to everyone else? I just want to know.

[spencerjhastingsus]

Time for an entry

It’s been a long time since I’ve put anything on this tumblr that was just about me. For the most part since PLL is over and the question remains ‘what should I fill my fandom time with now?’, I’m slowly accepting that any decision to fully embrace another show, another ship, or another genre will most likely pull me away from the pll fandom because we’re not all going to like or love the same stuff. So the moral of this outcome is simply this: I like what I like. No apologies. No explanations necessary. And at the same time, I don’t like a lot of the stuff that is on tv right now. Even if a PLL star goes onto another show, it doesn’t mean I will get into it as easily as I got into PLL. Will I like Lucy Hale’s new series? Not sure. Will I at least watch the first episode before I make my decision? Probably. On Demand? Most likely. Hey, I work for a living. I can’t always promise I’ll be home when these things air. But I’ll be honest, The CW leaves a lot to be desired to begin with. I’m not really into any of their shows and they keep making crap. Like literal why is this channel still thriving? crap! 

To be fair, not a lot of tv channels have enough to keep me watching whatever might be on. Freeform is a hit or miss with most of their shows. Okay, I’m one of the few who hasn’t gotten into The Bold Type. I probably won’t either. It’s just not my preferred type of show. I love shows that come will a thrill factor, it’ll keep you on the edge of your seat, cliffhangers are a must, romance can be fun, but nothing about it can feel forced or get boring after the 2nd or 3rd episode. Casting and onscreen chemistry is also a must. PLL figured out the strategy to keep me (along with so many other viewers) hooked. What is wrong with most of these shows that I”m just not feeling the same pull? 

The only other show that has come close is Stranger Things and a part of me liking it is probably a bit bias. The show began based in 1983. And I was born that year. Granted, I was very young in the 80s and I was only 6 when 1990 came around, but most of my favorite things came from the 80s-90s. Matter of fact, give me a time machine. If I could choose a decade to go back to and stay in forever...it would be the 80s or  90s. Better music, better tv shows, better movies....not better fashion, but hey...you win some, you lose some. Also back then Trump knew his place and he stayed there instead of ruining our country by pretending to be a president. -rolls my eyes- (That’s another rant altogether. I don’t like getting into politics, I get angry and emotionally unstable and it’s a big mess, so no. ) 

But ST is great to me, because of the perfect casting. The thrill factors, the 80s homages, Millie Bobby Brown! (seriously, how can you not love her?!), and the nostalgia that makes me want to watch all of my favorite movies that came out when I was just a kid. All I ask is they need to make more episodes per season because it just goes by way too fast. lol. 

So maybe that comes from my need and want to live in the past. I get very negative while talking about the future. I used to think I never wanted to have kids because of selfish reasons (childbirth looks like going through hell) but now it’s for unselfish reasons ( I don’t want to bring a child into this world who has to face the problems these people in ‘power’ have forced upon him or her. This world is such a bad place and it continues to get worse each and every year. More killings, more terrorists attacks, more fights for freedom and validation whether you are a woman or gay, or another race or religion. Instead of coming together, we are being driven farther apart and I would never want to put another human being through that. I don’t even want to go through that. So when someone manages to give me a reason to drop the negativity, I will...but for now I’ll be honest. The future looks plain awful. If you open your eyes, you would most definitely agree. (My rant...or whatever the hell this is lost focus over a period of time, sorry about that...but I have too much running around in my brain right now, and no good place to put it all.)

[jeanqrey]

Eleven in Season One | Season Two

[spencerjhastingsus]

I just need to say a few things

By the way, I’m not gonna twist anyone’s arm here but if you actually care about me and are happy that I am here, I trust you will read this with the understanding that I’m just trying to find out who my true and real friends are here. It shouldn’t be this hard to figure out but I’ve come to a conclusion about a few people that our friendship has been on a very conditional basis of whether or not I can ‘be in character’ when they want me to and that’s where this first decision comes into play.

I’ve been an active roleplayer in social media for the past 8-9 years. They were fun at times, stressful at others, depending on the drama that others I wrote with felt the need to start. But all in all, it was a hobby that at the time did help me deal with real life dragging me down on a constant basis. I don’t think I necessarily outgrew it, but I’ve outgrown the pettiness that comes off some people when they get annoyed if I’m just not feeling it and don’t really want to reply ‘in character’ to them. Here’s the thing, you like me for me playing Spencer Hastings. And while Spencer will always be a part of who I am, our personalities are very similar, I am not her, will never be her, and if that’s the only reason why we talk at all is because you think I will always answer to her name or write in her person then you are dead wrong. This is why I changed my name on twitter last night to an uncertain title. I feel like I can’t change @AstuteLiar because people would get confused on how to tag me. 

I’ve been dealing with a lot of depression lately (or in my case, melancholia, as the experts say) and I haven’t had any inspiration to do much of anything with my writing up until now as I post this. The world is a hot mess, natural disasters are everywhere, we have an American president that has no concern for the human beings he vowed to protect, and I think the end of the world is a very dire possibility at this point. So yeah my priorities have changed a little. I want to be happy before something happens to me. I don’t care about the career...you guys can have it with all the long hours and schooling to better your place in society. At the end of the day, it doesn’t mean much, at least not to me. I want family, friends, people who will be there with me when that last sun goes down if it happens in our lifetime.

Yes, I’m still young...but I’m not that young. I may even be older than most of you who are reading this. But I’ve wasted so many years waiting for things to happen to me, when they never ever did. And maybe it has been stupid wasted energy. Maybe I’m putting too much stock in human’s in general. But even if I’m left with one good friend...or no friends at all the moment this essay is posted, I’d like to think that I left a positive impression somewhere. Not as Spencer Hastings. But as myself. My name is Susan. I love to travel, I love movies and tv shows if they are interesting enough. I love to read and I used to love to write but now I just want to find a purpose that is greater than what’s on this screen while still continuing to support the celebrities I love. Which I will do until the end of time. Just because I never made it, doesn’t mean I can’t cheer for the ones who are. 

I want to be loved unconditionally and maybe I haven’t found that yet. Maybe I never will. It’s a desire, but it doesn’t mean it’ll ever be my reality. Perhaps I’m not one of the lucky ones. Sucks for me, huh? I just hope that all of you who read this do find what you are looking for in life because we all deserve way more than we think. I do love you all. I’m not leaving my home here, or the people who mean the world to me because do care about and love you without the writing part. I like asking about your day because even if I can’t see you or be in the same room as you I feel like we’ve grown closer than just online acquaintances. You are my friends, even if I’m not really yours. 

[spencerjhastingsus]

On days when you really need to be around people that can make you feel better about yourself you wake up and realize that no one is going to be able to do that for you, so you are forced to allow your own company do it for you. Reading, writing, eating, sleeping, watching mindless television, or simply talking to yourself to fill the void of silence. Whatever works, but it becomes absolutely necessary when the demons and bad people in the world do everything in their power to tear you down and no one else is really there to pick up the pieces or notice your suffering. 

[maze-chloe]

There’s no way I could let you go.  

[mutualize]

Don't kill yourself, please.

[mutualize]

If you’re suffering from depression and are looking for a sign to not go through with ending your life, this is it. This is the sign. We care.

If you see this on your dash, reblog it. You could save a life.

[spencerjhastingsus]

Submitted my questions for the beautiful and talented Troian Bellisario. It proved to be really difficult because I didn’t want to ask anything stupid or repetitive. Then again, knowing my luck my questions probably won’t get answered, but if they do it would be such a wonderful gift and surprise by the most amazing talent I can think of. 

[spencerjhastingsus]

How have the years with this show passed us by?

Seven remarkable years of lies, secrets, ships, wine moms and -A...or -A.D. has come to an end and to say I’m still sad after a week and a half has passed since the finale would be an understatement. This show has done a lot for me over the years. It’s given me so many wonderful friendships, I can never say that enough because it’s true and I value my friends like I would a very close knit family. I wish I could hug each of you personally for sticking by me through the good, the bad, and the ugly with this show. And at times just letting me rant about my life in general. That is why it took me this long to get my thoughts in order so that I can do one more meaningful essay about the people, and the cast that means the world to me. And always will. 

Also, I really needed time to process episode 7x20 because deep down, it was not a reveal I was super excited about. I didn’t want any of the main girls to have a twin in the show. I felt like it would have been more thrilling had it been Melissa, Mona or Wren. Someone who was there from the beginning and we could tie their motives into the when, why and how and I could see that for each of them perfectly. It took two watch throughs and several fan videos and a lot of time to calm myself enough to accept the ending for what it was and realize, it’s not perfect. There were a lot of things that came with this reveal, now looking back through season 7 that make me cringe in a way I didn’t think was possible. And all Spoby fans can agree, the connection between Alex and Toby was deceptive, cruel and unbelievably not acceptable for a prime time tv slot. Had it been Spencer in those scenes, I could watch them over and over again and tear up from happiness. But how am I supposed to watch those intimate scenes in the same light knowing how wrong it was? If we could have gone without those scenes, I would have nothing to really complain about. My favorite ship was torn in two and thrown under the bus so the other three ships got to have a real happy ending. But Spoby gets back together in the end, even though we never really got to see it happen. -low groan of pent up anger-

Now to the compliments. I LOVE TROIAN BELLISARIO WITH ALL OF MY HEART AND SOUL. She was actually able to make me love her performance as Spencer, and at times, more so as Alex. The accent was fucking great, shut up naysayers. And the shift in personality made her an incredibly captivating villain to watch. While Mona will always be the best -A, Alex was the most fun to watch. I just wish we would have gotten to see more of her and not just in the last episode, realizing who she was. 

So bring on the spin-off so we can keep this series going in another way. But please please get rid of these new girls and the whole Addison story line. It’s really unnecessary and the full circle idea really doesn’t do anything for me. I want to see where we go from the point of Mona’s dollhouse scene. A good way of ending the show would have been if they did another parallel to how they began 6B with a montage of voice overs from the main girls, the memories they have left us with, keeping it connected completely and purely to the basis of this show, these characters. The ones we’ve come to love and appreciate over the years. So if The Perfectionists is the new show idea which is sounds like it is, okay go for it...but I read the books so I know those new girls are not the girls we should have in the new show. This should not be a Pretty Little Liars: The Next Generation. But I still want to see how favorite girls...and guys pop in every once in a while. These are of course, my wishes. Whether or not it works out is hard to tell at this point, but this tumblr I’m writing on might not be used for a while now that the show is over, unless I reblog from the show or stuff relating to Troian and Keegan. 

Meh, we’ll see. <3 

[aprilkepners-archive]

top 9 quotes per ship ≡ spencer and toby

[spencerjhastingsus]

All the reasons why they should have had an onscreen engagement, wedding, something more than what we got...Spoby was and always will be the heart of Pretty Little Liars

[keeganallennews]

When Keegan played the villain vs when Troian played the villain 

[prettylittlelrs]

D-8 to season 7; ♡ pretty little liars posters ♡

[spencerjhastingsus]

I filmed my goodbye last night and it was hard for me to put into words what this show has meant to me over the years. I know I missed out on a lot but I didn’t want to make it too long. 

[keeganallennews]

Keegan in 2016 → Troian Bellisario

“I didn’t realize how difficult it would be — to realize that in seven years I’ve never felt more comfortable shooting a scene with anybody, whether it was an awkward sex scene, or I had to be scared, or I had to say something stupid, with Keegan it was always easy. And he was always supportive of whatever I did. I think in that moment realizing that I was losing him as a partner, it was so gut-wrenching. It really did feel like a death, more than a breakup — a death of two characters.” - Troian Bellisario 

[spencerjhastingsus]

Sobbing so hard right now thinking about how this is the end. Will love these two until the end of time. Group hug 

[spencerjhastingsus]

Pretty Little Liars ~ The End is Near

Six more days, to be exact and somehow without really planning for it, my two week vacation from my job begins this coming Monday. I didn’t plan ahead to have the night of the finale off, but that means that I can do this up right. After watching the Entertainment interview with Marlene and Sasha I’m equal parts excited and dreading the end and I know a lot can happen in six days and to be fair, most of my closest friends that I still reach out to and met through the PLL fandom...well most of them haven’t been keeping up with the last few, hmm...several episodes? Understandable but this Tuesday is the end, in live time I would like to connect to as many of my liars as possible for this last chance hurrah to enjoy the show that brought us together and to tearfully say goodbye to it’s legacy. 

The end of this series won’t mean the end of our friendships, our love for all things pll, etc. But we should get the chance to say goodbye to Freeform airing it on our screens together. If you are working that night or don’t have a way of watching it at the time it airs, I understand. I’m sad to hear it, but there isn’t anything that can be done about it so we will make up for lost time later. But hopefully before I have to go back to work on July 10th. lol. 

I’m happy to see this show end so we can put many of these horrible theories to rest, and be grateful that they never happened, I’m dying to see Melissa and Wren’s involvement and more chances of a Spoby rekindled romance in the last couple hours of PLL bliss. We all have our individual reasons for wanting to see what the last episodes have in store for us. I think they are enough to guarantee most of us won’t be missing out on the chance to watch the end of this show how it was meant to be seen. 

In turn, I will be devoting most of this week to posting or reposting PLL related content online, if not on Tumblr or Twitter, then it’ll be on my facebook, just so I can annoy the people who insisted on being my friends on there who refuse to watch the series or are not fans. Haha, serves them right for posting a lot of stuff I could care less about it. 

Also if anyone who reads this wants to reach out to someone and talk about the show, our favorite moments, least favorite moments, whatever, I’ll be here. My PLL pages might change a little but I’m still always going to be a fan of this show and a part of the community that was created because of it. But if you ever say anything bad about Spencer or Toby, I might be forced to just end our conversation right there. No negative responses towards any character or ship please, and I’ll keep up my end of the bargain to do the same. <3

[spencerjhastingsus]

Post-Mother’s Day Rant

What is the worst thing about working around a lot of people during Mother’s Day weekend...and you are a woman? Everyone wishes you a happy Mother’s Day whether you are a mom or not. And then if you look like the right age where you should have kids...but you don’t people start asking questions. Why? What’s taking so long? How does someone your age not have kids yet? Is there something wrong with you?

Wow...way to make me feel like crap...legions of people who believe it’s more acceptable to have kids in your twenties when I’m closing in on my mid-thirties and still not sure if that is something I’ll ever want. So let me break it down for you in the simplest form possible. I’m an only child. I’ve had 0 baby-sitting experience as a teenager/adult because my parents wanted me to focus on school and getting a real job that pays a real salary after graduation. Which led me to working in fields that require me to be ‘people friendly’. I’ve been doing this kind of work for the past fifteen years in two different work environments and early on it was okay, but it’s gotten harder to deal with people and their kids as the years passed. Which leads me to my other reason. I have no maternal instinct. Trust me. I would know. I freeze up if I hear a baby crying...or a child screaming. I’ve gotten headaches because of it. I’m scared to hold them or even touch them, thinking they might break. I don’t know the first thing about changing a diaper and the thought of doing so grosses me out. 

Of course I can’t say these things in front of people because they actually don’t understand. It’s not natural to not want to be a mom to them. So to come across someone who has never had that need or want is a foreign concept to everyone around me that is popping out babies like you wouldn’t believe. I’m happy for you if that’s where your heart lies. Yes a part of me feels guilty that I didn’t take more time in my youth to learn these skills and become more comfortable around kids. But I feel like it’s too late to change things. It’s too late for me to change and I’m still not sure I want to. Back when I was 17, 20, 25, 30 people always would tell me “It’s not too late, you can change your mind and you’ll be a mom someday”. Of course, that was their belief without really knowing the person that I am. If they knew how childbirth scares the crap out of me or I’m not ready to give up what I have in my life to give to another human being they wouldn’t bet on me changing my mind any time soon. 

The only fear I have left of this decision of mine is the process of me most likely living the rest of my life and dying alone. I never wanted that and I can’t guarantee that it won’t happen. Truthfully whatever plans I had for my future were pretty much destroyed the moment I lost everything and had to rebuild my life eleven years ago, so the only thing I want is to be happy in the now. No, I’m not happy yet. No, I don’t know where that happiness lies. Maybe on a beach or island somewhere. Maybe in a city where there is a lot to do every night. Maybe in a nice cozy room with a bottle of wine and a pizza (any kind will do) and someone to share the rest of my life with. Only time will tell, but kids might never be a part of it. And I think I’m okay with that. 

[spencerjhastingsus]

PLL 7x14 review and lecture

I was honestly not even going to bother this week with a follow-up to last night’s episode. Mostly because I’m just not in the mood and I didn’t see a point, but we finally received actual answers for the first time since Game Over Charles and I felt it was important to talk about what we now know. But before we get started, and I really wish that every PLL fan that was on twitter last night would read this and I wish the Emison fandom would take a good hard look at themselves after some of last night’s tweets directed to showrunner I.Marlene King. 

For real though, these death threats or telling someone to kill themselves in any way, shape or form is unacceptable. In the world we live in today, that is one of the worst things you could possibly do. Watch “13 Reasons Why” and every other suicide prevention movie and show Netflix has to offer. Coming from a person who eleven years ago considered taking her own life, and it had nothing to do with being bullied into it I’m here to tell you suicide is not a joke. It’s a serious matter and once it happens, it’s over. There is no coming back. Think before you tweet because even though you are angry right now over something that isn’t even that important, your words matter. They always matter. So just think about that the next time you want to mistreat someone. How would you feel if that happened to your best friend, or sister or brother. If one day they came home, not being able to take it anymore and they took a bunch of pills or shot themselves? Maybe you could’ve stopped it from happening. Would their blood now be on your hands? Perspective does have a way of changing things, doesn’t it?

Onto what I originally wanted to talk about, the episode. This contains spoilers so watch the episode first. Actually I might just point out the key answers we picked up on. My mood just took another push downwards. Evidently Pastor Ted has been letting Mary Drake stay with him because evidently they were lovers in the past and he is the biological sperm donor that created Charles/Charlotte. Also Charles had one friend as a young kid who happened to be Lucas. Considering the age difference between the two (or what we thought was Lucas’ age), I’m hoping more information will be revealed soon about their connection. Also makes me believe that Lucas could be A.D.

Peter finally told Spencer what happened the night that Jessica DiLaurentis was killed. Mary killed her sister and tried to frame Peter for it. (I totally called this back in 7A by the way) 

And A.D. stole Emily’s eggs and fertilized them to impregnate Alison and everyone seems to be in an outrage about it, well to be fair I would be too. 

But hey, we are finally getting answers....4 weeks into 7B. Better late than never I guess? Just remember. 6 more episodes to go. And the finale will be 2 hours long. If you haven’t gotten what you wanted to happen yet, it’s not to say it won’t happen. But most of our wishes for this series will be put off until the end. It’s just a given. So stop freaking out. We all knew this was going to happen. Please share this to the fandom. I think it needs to be seen.