Knowing the damage you had done to someone you loved was likely one of the worst existences. Toni always felt as though she was apologizing for who she was, how she was, and hated that it had to be that way. For the longest time she wanted to explain herself, had maybe hoped that someone would see her and understand that she was a soul not at peace. Her earliest abandonments took place when she was just a small child, she was in the wild without a loving guide to care for her and give her the proper examples of how it meant to be alive in the world. That left her to stumble through each and every experience, and despite the outcome the brunette always struggled to get it right. She truly tried to do right by the people that she loved. Unfortunately she was her own enemy, her impulses and fears always got the best of her. Toni didn’t know how to be loved so it turned on flight mode. And even though she’d done a shitty job of showing it, she never wanted to run from Spencer.
When he said the words, those three very special words, why did it feel like it was spat out from obligation? Truly, Toni hadn’t expected anything from her ex. She had hurt him and had hurt him badly. What she didn’t want was to hurt him anymore, and it had begun to feel like she needed to permanently remove herself from his life. He seemed so angry and the mess she’d made was written all over him. “I know. I’m sorry, Spencer.” Voice quiet, scratchy over the lump in her throat. The brunette wished she could turn off the tears, she didn’t want them taken for manipulation or for it to soften whatever he was feeling toward her. Toni owed him hearing him out. Once she’d set her basket on the cheap tiled floor, she used her fingers to wipe her cheeks and did her best to hold Spencer’s gaze. “I didn’t leave because I wanted to. I left because I had no choice. Or, maybe I’m just stupid and couldn’t see any other option. But I tried and tried to reach you, I called and left messages and sent texts.” And received nothing in return for two years. “I may have left but I didn’t abandon you. I risked my life to make those calls, Spencer. I had every intention of returning if I made it out alive.”
Letting her eyes fall shut for a few moments, Toni absorbed everything. The last thing she cared about was location, she’d shout her love for this man anywhere. She’d fight for him anywhere. “Then don’t let me back in.” It was simple as that. If what she was to him was a storm, nothing short of something brought about to inflict damage then he really needed to keep her out of his life. “I don’t want to hurt you. I’m a fuck up, all I do is fuck up, but I love you and I’m not ever leaving again. My words aren’t going to make you trust that.” Truly, the brunette felt defeated. Shoulders slumped and her fingers fidgeted. “I just want —”
Did it even matter anymore? Those questions sent a searing pain through her chest. “I just want to love you. Like you deserve. Like you’ve always deserved.” Fingers wiped at her cheeks once more. “I’m sorry. I’m messy and fucked up, but I just want you.”
What else was there to say really? If given the chance, the brunette wanted to give him an explanation on why she’d left. There was also a need to make it clear she hadn’t returned to her hometown to make his life difficult. In the time she’d been back in Phoenix, Toni had avoided Jackson’s so that her ex could have his space. He hadn’t returned a single call or message and that spoke volumes, on multiple levels. “I don’t deserve you or your forgiveness, I don’t deserve your love, I know that. But I can’t shut it off, Spencer. I can’t stop missing you or thinking about you. I can’t stop the way my heart pounds for you.” Seeing that she’d essentially forced tears of his own to fall, Toni extended a hand to wipe at his cheeks then pulled back before actually touching him. Remembering the way he’d stiffened before. “I just want you to know that I am truly sorry for hurting you. I am so sorry for not showing you just how fucking special you are to me.”
He really didn’t want to hear any more sorrys. If he had wanted the apologies, Spencer knew he would have listened to one of the many unanswered, saved voicemails; the ones clogging up the storage of his phone. The ones he consistently saved but refused to open, not even once. He could only assume they had as much in them that they could, giving every detail of how she felt, how sorry she was. It was one of the many reasons he couldn’t listen to them. Hearing her voice on the other end of the line, knowing she was nowhere near close. But Wyatt knew, no matter how much he’d say he didn’t want to hear sorry, she’d likely continue to say it-- and some part of him liked to know she hurt just as much as he did. Though the tears that rolled down her cheeks had him wanting to reach out, wipe them all away. It was like an itch in his hand, his fingers curling into a fist at his side to stop the motions. He wanted to reassure her that it was okay, would be. How could he reassure her of such a thing when there was no guarantee that it was. She left twice-- there was a chance she’d go again. She’d likely choose, if history gave any indication. She had no choice in staying? There was always a choice. He wanted to be her choice. Even if she made it all clear now, the brunette wasn’t sure how much he could truly believe it.
The words leaving her lips next had him freezing in his spot, dark brows furrowing and his mouth falling in a small ‘o’. “What are you talking about?” Wyatt’s voice was quiet, thick was emotion even. She was in danger, and she risked her life to make calls to him? The harrowing idea that she was out there on her own, trying to fend for herself, and he hadn’t answered her calls-- had him wanting to feel to his knees, but instead, his head merely bowed and began to shake. Dark hair cascaded over his features to hide the thoughts reflecting on his features, brewing through his mind. “Don’t fuckin’ say shit like that.” Not unless she wanted him to wreak havoc in the tiny grocery store, demanding answers; who, when, where, and the likes. Though he’d experienced what life was like without having her right there, he never wanted to imagine what it was like for her to no longer exist. Unbearable. “Don’t say shit like that.” He repeated again, this time his voice quieter than last. His groceries, the basket in hand-- none of that was a thought anymore, not even a necessity.
She was stating how she risked her life and now she was telling him not to let her back in. It was almost too much and the space they found themselves in, had him feeling like the aisles were closing in around him. Like he had to make a choice; let her go, or let the past go. What she didn’t seem to realize, even with all his anger and the way he tried to hate her when she wasn’t standing right in front of him-- she was always in his heart, his mind. Antonia had engraved herself into his soul, and she hadn’t just removed herself. With their whirlwind romance. The way she captivated him. Even with her reckless nature, she had a way of calming him when nobody else could. As much as he wanted her words to ease the heavy beating of his heart, they did no such thing.
Maybe he was dense in refusing to see how much she truthfully tried, and now it was all standing here in front of him. Staring him right in the fucking face, beautiful, and broken, and trying desperately to mend herself. He could refuse it or accept it, and try to make it work. Spencer didn’t flinch again when she reached out to touch him, anticipating the touch this time even. When it didn’t come, his own hand shot out for her wrist, bringing it forward to land on his own cheek. Bold, for the way his heart felt like it would shoot out of his chest and bring him to his knees. But she did that to him normally. “Toni-” His voice was a sigh, dark ocean hues closing as he gathered his thoughts. She was his best friend, the love of his life-- at one he hoped for more. It’d be too easy to just let go and Wyatt never liked easy.
Spencer’s own basket slipped from his hand, the grip on the handle loosening until the plastic clattered against the floor. Thankfully they were the only ones now in the surrounding area, with people only passing at the end, never bothering to pay much attention. With nothing in his grip, his mind racing a mile a minute-- Wyatt telling himself to just let it go; she was here now. She wasn’t going anywhere or so she said. The male lost all inhibitions in himself and pulled the woman into his arms, to bury his face in her neck, enveloping her in a tight hug. “I’m sorry.” He was sure his words were muffled by the hair covering her throat, but he didn’t care. It was hiding the emotions written over his features. He did it so well, hid everything and how he felt.
He pulled back, eyes finding her own, hands reaching up to brush gently at stray tears before cupping her face between two larger hands. He gulped before finding his own breath, his words beginning to fall from his lips, “I can’t stop the way I feel about you either, alright?” His heart was just as cruel. “I didn’t listen to them,” The voicemails. “Because I didn’t want it to be the end.” The real end. He didn’t want to hear the words that said she was never coming back, that she found a life without him. Though he could have completely caused that, never picking up, pushing her further and further away.
“Let’s get outta here.” Groceries be damned, he wanted her-- to talk to her. Hash it all out. Finally.
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