“there’s a crime? ugh, crime! i hate crime!”
“you should have a plan of some kind. aren’t you, like, the police chief?”
“why are we shooting the fire again?”
“i know you don’t like it when i do this, so i’m doing it anyway.”
“i feel like a chipotle burrito.”
“what’cha gotta tell me? just kidding! i won’t listen to whatever it is.”
“you know, we don’t even really need your help. we just keep you around because it’s convenient for us.”
“it’s more convenient to have you help us than it is to, like, tell you to go away, ‘cause you’re just gonna show up, anyway.”
“i didn’t wanna go to your stupid, lazer tag birthday party, anyway!”
“tell that to the nerds, nerd.”
“it looks like this [object] is a visual representation of my heart.”
“this is just garbage i was gonna eat, but i wanted to share it with you.”
“that’s really ugly. who designed that? that’s the worst color combination i can think of. i mean, you are just a fashion disaster.”
“[name], i just got this e-mail from a nigerian prince! he’s gonna give me ten thousand dollars!”
“i’m lookin’ gucci! whoa!”
“what’s happening? what’s dig duggin’? hey, can i ask you a personal question?”
“ah! faith and begorrah, it’s me beautiful boy!”
“no, actually. no, wait, yes! yes, absolutely.”
“but she seems rich, so, i could probably make a buck or two off this, right?”
“look, guns were outlawed, okay? i’ve been over this with every thug.”
“you can’t outlaw fists.”
“holy shit. i’m instantly in love with you again.”
“look, i’m a ginger. i don’t have a soul of my own, i need yours.”
“oh, okay. time travel. my favorite way of traveling.”
“are you alive, though? i mean like really, intensely alive?”
“no, we broke up because you’re just a construct of my imagination.”
“you keep sending me into these existential crises and i don’t know how to handle them!”
“look, so, we just need to talk about something else ‘cause i’m kinda losing my mind a little.”
“harbingers of death, [name]. police are harbingers of death.”
“i bought it with the money i saved… from stealing it.”
“uh, i’m a journalist and i’m also gonna steal this car.”
“no, no! literally, i would never, ever steal anything. i don’t even like steel, it’s like my third least favorite metal.”
“what—what happened? is it something—is it worth a vine?”
“i told you to stop monetizing my pain and dread and grief.”
“yeah, the joke’s are always on me!”
“i didn’t say buttcheeks. this is slander and i will not stand for it.”
“oh, my god, what did i do? WHAT DID I DO?”
“hi, [name], what are you doing here catching me at an inconvenient time?”
“i don’t actually know what i’m doing. i just looked it up on wikihow.”
“you’re always busy making evil plans and then retracting them when i get some sense into you.”
“morality is like a broken mug.”
“well, that’s… a first. everyone else hates me.”
“i was not thinking that at all. we’re totally not on the same wavelength. this is not gonna work.”
“you’ll never make friends if you keep getting revenge on people, [name]. you have to, like, be friendly.”
“well, if everybody would stop fucking me over then maybe—!”
“okay, [name], listen. i’m going to explain to you the law of the jungle: this is the law of the jungle, as old and as true as the sky. the one that shall keep it may prosper—”
“oh, god. oh, GOD. MY COOKING!”
“i never believed you could cook, [name]. i never believed that about you.”
“there are a lot of clowns in this world that need to be fought.”
“wait… wait. i forgot my beef jerky.”
