What's Happenging

Personal blog to vent/discuss mental illness, trauma and recovery.

[fruitsaladchewits-deactivated20]

[astrolocherry]

[margotton-blog]

[spikycactusheart]

In January I went to NYC to visit my friends ( and give them a real good bye) and I spoke with my school about wtf happened. I finally have a better understanding of what really happened and what I need to take responsibility for. It was enlightening and I now have a better perspective of areas of myself I want to work on.

I also finally disclosed the rape and reported him to the school. That didn’t feel very good until recently. I felt sick for a weeks after, really worried about retaliation.

I think 2018 is really going to help me learn to have empathy toward the parts of myself that are hurting or flawed. I got into my dream graduate program and do not want my trauma and pain and illness getting in the way of my dreams again.

[harmony-is-happiness]

[spikycactusheart]

New Year’s Eve

This is so cliche but how the FUCK is 2017 over already?

OKAY, this year has been traumatic as fuck. Quite honestly, I am so surprised I am not dead.

Moving back home in July shattered me. I was trying so hard to suppress the fact that I had been raped (again) and then being forced to leave school and my life in NYC just ruined me.

Its been 5 months and I just recently began to feel real and in my body again. I still want to die most of the time. But, I also have some plans I am working at and trying to remember my trauma and how others have harmed me do not define me or my life.

2018 will be about healing, active self care and taking my life back. I do not and will never forgive those who have harmed me, y’all don’t deserve my forgiveness.

But I’m going to actively work toward making my life what I want it to be again.

[cutegorl]

Not everyone will break you like they did.

j.m.n (via jlivingwell)

[traumasuggestion]

I’m allowed to be angry about what happened. I am allowed to be angry about what you did.

[purplebuddhaproject]

[delta-breezes]

“May you recognize in your life the presence, power, and light of your soul.”

The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery" by Ian Morgan Cron, Suzanne Stabile (via delta-breezes)

[serious]

most the time not

[itsfineimfinewerefine]

(CW: Assault)

I’ve been assaulted twice since November. I haven’t really dealt with them because I hate myself for it happening again. I’ve talked about it with my therapist, but I haven’t said out loud that its happened again. I hate that I can’t seem to keep myself safe…it makes me feel like I’ll never find a healthy relationship again because I don’t fucking deserve to be loved and valued. I’m a rape victim 3 times over. The logical part of me is trying to comfort and support myself, but the other part is screaming “YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT WHO DESERVES THIS BECAUSE YOU KEEP GETTING INTO SIMILAR SITUATIONS”. 

Ever since the first assault, I’ve been feeling like I will never find someone who will ever truly love, respect and value me again. Every time I think something is about to begin with someone, it blows up in my face. I know a lot of it is my fault, because I get attached or excited about the potential of something. My BPD is fucking bitch…I hate how quickly and easily I get attached. 

Trauma really reaches ever area of my life. Its been fucking with my relationships and school, and now my self loathing and self destructiveness might cost me my job. A job I adore and would be beyond devastated to lose. 

New York was supposed to be the place I started over. Where I got to finally find myself and pursue dreams. Instead, I found a girl I really hate with no idea how to get rid of her without deadly force.

[spikycactusheart]

I was a real mess in New York, no denying that.

But holy shit, at least I felt real. At least my life felt like it had purpose. No, my depression and trauma and other bull shit wasn't the purpose. The purpose was that despite all that crap I was going to school and living in New York. I was fighting the depression even when I truly wanted to die.

I don't feel any purpose anymore.

[arabwife]

switch your mentality from “i’m broken and helpless” to “i’m growing and healing” and watch how fast your life changes, for the better.

[youtuder]

I think you need a break

[ashley-the-rocket-queen-deactiv]

In case anyone needs this today.

[itsfineimfinewerefine]

I have seriously thought about harming/killing myself this week. I haven’t felt this terrible about myself in a while.

However, the out pouring of support and love I’ve gotten from classmates, former coworkers and friends once again has saved me. I’m still in a very dark and scary place, and I’m gonna be here for a while. But I’m so glad I’ve been reminded that I need and should live.

[spikycactusheart]

I wrote this Sunday and the next day was asked to leave school on medical leave...

[c-ptsdofficial]

People who have not endured abuse usually don’t spend hours wondering if they were abused

[706softly-deactivated20180911]

In case you were wondering if you made it all up.

[xkillerbunnix-deactivated201908]

Needed that…

[itsfineimfinewerefine]

I have some real issues with internalized misogyny and victim blaming.

Something I am coming to terms with is how bad my internalized misogyny and victim blaming is toward myself. I would never treat another woman the way I treat myself and it is honestly heartbreaking.

Trauma has made me feel so worthless and unworthy of good, respectful love. I get into ill advised relationships, ones I feel are going to end badly, but I still do it. I put so much energy and emotional labor into them and am left in pieces when they inevitable fail. (Its almost like a form of self harm???).

I also protect these guys when they do terrible things to me. Because it starts “so great”, when things begin to go south, I try so hard to make it okay again. Even when they start ignoring me, manipulating, or plain treat me like shit. Even when they assault me. I justify the behavior, I tell myself its not that bad, to get over it and stop blowing it out of proportion. I tell myself, he doesn’t/didn’t mean to do that. I protect him.

I ignore it because I don’t want to admit I’m letting someone treat me in a way I’d be angry to learn a friend is being treated.

I just recently did this with someone in New York. I don’t remember us having sex. I can barely remember saying yes, then I blacked out. Does that count as consent? I honestly don’t know.

But I care about him, still care about him. We had such a strong, intense bond (INFATUATION) and I felt he could never harm someone. We talked about it and I think he was truly remorseful for his actions. I don’t think he is a terrible person but I do think he took advantage of the situation. I can’t and probably will never disclose to anyone about it. I am over come with this feeling of wanting to protect someone who seems to not care for me at all. I feel like it is all my fault, I asked for it. I kept seeing him and being sexual with him after, I justified and protected him. Why would anyone believe me now?

If a friend came to me with this, I would stand by her and advise her to disclose because his actions were not appropriate. But I can’t seem to treat myself with the same empathy. This has been eating away at me for weeks. I’ve pushed it down, blamed the panic attacks on other things. I was constantly on egg shells around him, but refused to admit that it was because of this.