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@borderlinebravery
a year ago i went into a severe dissociation and isolation for about 3 months due to bpd bc i felt abandoned and replaced. now i feel so much better and dont doubt for a minute that my fp loves me !! things that wouldve bothered me or gave me breakdowns in the past no longer do so!! i still have a way to go but i think 2018 will definitely be a lot better for me !=)
This message??? Put it in a museum. Beautiful.
DBT Distress Tolerance skills: TIP
Distress Tolerance skills are here to help you tolerate painful situations. When changing a situation/emotion is either impossible or ineffective, the other option is to tolerate it. These skills aren’t here to make your painful emotions go away. Allowing yourself to feel emotional pain as it happens is necessary in order to avoid suffering. Instead, distress tolerance skills exist in an effort to make feeling emotional pain a bit more bearable as a situation takes its natural course. One of the DT skills is TIP. Think TIP when you need help to calm extreme emotions.
T (Temperature): Change the temperature of your face with cold water. Put your entire face into ice water while holding your breath for 15-30 seconds. When you trick your brain into thinking that you dived into cold water, your heartbeat slows and more blood flows to your brain and heart. Do this in a calm place to maximize effectiveness. Use this when you have a strong, quick distressing emotion to help regulate your emotional response. (For a milder result, you can also do this by holding an ice cube in your hand, holding a cold drink, or running your hand under cold water. Reusable ice cubes are awesome. You can also step outside if you live in a cold area).
I (Intense Exercise): Physical exhaustion can calm down your body from a heightened emotional state. Exercise intensely, even if only briefly. The goal is to use your body’s stored physical energy to give a feeling of calm.
P (Progressive Muscle Relaxation): Relaxing your muscles can help relax your mind. Start by getting into a comfortable position to relax and bringing yourself into a mindful state. For each area of the body, tighten the muscles while focusing on the sensation. Release the tension as you breathe out, focusing on the sensation again. Do this for the hands, arms, shoulders, forehead, eyes, face, mouth, neck, chest, back, stomach, buttocks, thighs, calves, ankles, and feet. Practice this exercise in a calm, quiet state to best prepare you to use it during emotional stress.
Source: (x) Paraphrased by Rachel for Borderline Bravery / Images: (x)(x)(x)
Hi there! I just wanted to let you know I went through all the "check the facts" steps for emotional regulation and... I feel so much better. I was dealing with an (at the time) extremely uncomfortable situation, where I just wanted to run away and indulge in self destructive actions... But once I cried it out, recollected myself as much I could, I sat down and read. Then I wrote out my own info w/ the q's on the page. I feel amazing having had the help to assess my situation! Thank you!
Messages like these make me so happy, wow. I’m proud of you! I’m glad to have been able to help.
Opposite Action
Acting on your emotion is effective if your feelings fit the facts, and only to the level of which they’re justified. When your emotions don’t fit the facts, or when acting on your emotion won’t be effective, it’s time to act opposite to the emotion. This will help you to change painful emotions.
To describe opposite to emotion action, I like to think of a swimming pool in the summer. The water may be freezing cold, but it’s common knowledge that jumping in any way will help your body adjust to the temperature. If you decide not to jump in, you’ll be forced to sit outside the pool and miss out on the fun of swimming.
How to apply Opposite Emotion:
Use mindfulness skills to observe and describe your current emotion.
Ask yourself if the emotion is justified or not. Does it fit the facts?
Don’t suppress your emotion. It’ll only increase suffering in the end. The emotion isn’t the problem; the intensity of it/your possible urges are.
If your emotion and/or it’s intensity doesn’t fit the facts or isn’t effective, do opposite to emotion action. If it does, turn to the problem-solving skill instead.
Go all the way with opposite to emotion action. Don’t half-ass the skill or it won’t be as effective. This is likely to feel uncomfortable at first and that’s okay. Think back to the swimming pool example. If you were to only stick one foot in, chances are you’ll be colder than you would be if you just jumped. If you jump, you may be cold for a good minute or two, but it’ll fade and eventually you’ll be able to enjoy your swim.
Each emotion has a typical response:
Fear → Run/Avoid
Anger → Attack
Sadness/Depression → Withdraw/Isolate
Guilt/Shame → Hide
Each emotion also has opposite action:
Fear → Do what you’re scared of over and over until it’s no longer scary. Do things that make you feel in control of what you’re afraid of. Build mastery of the task. If overwhelmed, make a list of small steps in the direction of your goal. Do one thing at a time. Do each step all the way.
Anger → Gently avoid the person you’re upset with (”I need some time alone,” not the silent treatment). When away from them, don’t think about why you’re angry. Distract yourself. Do something nice for them. Find sympathy/empathy for the other person rather than blame or fault. Play devil’s advocate and write a letter in the other person’s defense.
Sadness or Depression → Get active. Do things that make you feel capable and worthwhile. Build mastery. Continue doing things that make you happy, even if they don’t work right away. Watch funny shows, listen to upbeat music, take a shower, contribute, etc.
Guilt or Shame → If justified: Make your behavior public to those affected. Make a repair. Apologize and offer to make things better, committing to not repeat the mistake. Accept consequences, let go, and move on. If not justified: Do what makes you feel ashamed or guilty repeatedly until you no longer feel that way. Don’t avoid the action.
For a full list of emotions + their opposite actions: Opposite Action Masterlist
I have only recently been diagnosed w bpd which is kind of a relief after years of being in and out of therapy/hospital for ED, self hard, depression/anxiety and suicidal behaviour bc I thought I could finally be fixed. But it seems like BPD doesn't actually go away and the pain doesn't go anyway, you just learn to manage it better which is somewhat disheartening. Any advice? It's really hard to imagine that things will always hurt so much.
First off, sloooow down, yeah? An accurate diagnosis is a blessing because it’ll help you receive the treatment you really need. This is a positive thing!
Secondly, BPD is not something you have to struggle with for your entire life. I stopped meeting the diagnostic criteria less than four years after being diagnosed and less than a year after graduating treatment. I no longer feel the way I did while sick. Other people have recovered as well, with DBT being known as the most effective treatment.
Your high levels of emotional sensitivity will likely be with you for all your life, yes. Your sensitivity is a part of you, not a disorder. But you can learn to both mellow that out a bit and to cope. BPD develops when that sensitivity has led to a lack of functionality in life, and so it can go away as you begin to gain that functionality back.
Long story short: things can and will become less difficult for you as you learn and practice skills, so hang in there. You can do this.
Is it normal for people BPD to be easy to influence? I mean in the sense of having an opinion but often wavering when faced with a different opinion even if you don't agree with it. And what about going hard on the defensive as a protective mechanism?
I can’t speak for every person with BPD because everyone has their own, separate experience. But when I struggled, yes, I was incredibly easy to influence. A lot of it had to do, I think, with my symptom of identity disturbance pairing with my fear of abandonment. Disagreement was scary because I didn’t have a strong sense of self to defend and I often feared I’d lose the people I didn’t agree with completely. This led to me “agreeing” with a lot of things that I didn’t actually agree with, which in turn further strengthened my identity disturbance and fed the cycle.
To combat this, I turned to strengthening my value system and self validating. A lot of the shift came from taking action, too. I had to test the waters a bit before I started feeling more comfortable disagreeing with people. By that I mean I’d speak up here and there about disagreeing with something around the people I trusted. As I noticed more and more that the people worth having in my life wouldn’t up and leave me for doing that, I gained more confidence in doing so. It’s a process but it’s an incredibly liberating one. It leads to much more open communication and, in turn, far healthier and long-lasting relationships in general.
Being highly defensive has been common for me for similar reasons, I think, but this has changed a lot since I’ve better come to understand dialectics (two opposites/points of view can both be true/there is no right/wrong when it comes to emotion or personal experiences). That leads me to believe it’s rooted (for me) in the symptom of black and white thinking.
To this day I can struggle a lot with defensiveness, especially in the heat of the moment when I may not be seeing the dialectics of a situation clearly. I think that can be pretty common for anyone though, BPD or not.
All of the interpersonal effectiveness skills could be utilized here, tbh.
(1/2) hi, I think I may have BPD and so does my crush/fp. we've had this awkward friendship going on for a while that started with a few dates. she was pregnant tho so I called it off. we've been friends for a while but I've always been clear that I'm there for the possibility for a relationship later. when I ask how she feels about me... she's said "I don't know." recently she promised to start talking to her psychiatrist and keep me updated. I asked for an update...
cont: on Facebook (where we communicate the most) and she hasn’t responded. I don’t know what to do. yesterday I send her a message telling her I wanted her to talk to me and that she could tell me what was on her mind and that I missed her. I also said that I’d move on if I didn’t hear from her in a week. idek if she’s looking at my messages. is there anything I can do better? I don’t want to overwhelm her but letting it go on shaky grounds feels… well I feel sad thinking about it.
Okay, so first: I’ve always suggested that when people start labeling people as their favorite person in this particular way, that they read this post. Your own experience obviously may not line up to what I’ve had to say there, but I still think it’s important to consider in case the label is making things more difficult.
I’m not familiar with your entire situation and typically try to stray from giving advice, and therefore I don’t feel comfortable telling you exactly what to do. The only thing I can really suggest is that you respect her boundaries. If she isn’t replying, let her have her space. Maybe that’s what she needs right now.
I think it’s important that at this point you bring this situation back to you. You’ve done what you can for her and it could be time to shift focus completely. What do you need to feel better right now? Are you being kind to yourself during this process? Distress tolerance and self care can be utilized to make this a bit easier on you, regardless of the outcome.
Anon said: I really like the pros and cons thing, and I've been doing it for a while, but Ive found whenever I DO take a step back and look at the situation I always say I don't care and do it anyway. Example: Yeah I could (removed) and feel better but (removed). Oh well. I don't care. And then i’d do it anyway. Any help?
In order for any coping skill to truly work, there needs to be a level of willingness there. If you aren’t pairing a skill with willingness, willfulness will find a way to make it ineffective. Making a weighted pros and cons list versus a simple one could prove to help, as could building up personal motivation with the use of some self validation.
Hi! Just stumbled across this - thank you for putting stuff together in such a simple format! I’ve just started DBT and what I’m finding really hard now is figuring out whether my emotions are valid. Like I’m angry but should I be, is it acceptable behaviour, is the intensity appropriate and i don’t know so i take it out on myself instead. My whole life I’ve been brushed off as ‘difficult and too sensitive’ so it is hard to know how to react to people.
So one of the most important things to recognize in recovery from BPD, in my opinion at least, is that emotions and behavior are separate. Whereas your emotional experience is always valid, your behavior is not.
Also, it’s important to note that while your emotional experience is always valid, that doesn’t mean it always fits the facts, nor does it mean our emotional intensity is accurate. And when it doesn’t fit the facts or the intensity doesn’t match the situation, discomfort is usually a lot stronger than it needs to be.
You can check out when emotions fit the facts and I think that might help. As a general rule, if your emotion doesn’t fit the facts or the intensity of it doesn’t, applying the skill of opposite action is recommended.
You’re not too difficult or too sensitive. Highly sensitive people, diagnosis of BPD or not, have their place on this Earth and bring a lot of positive qualities to the table. You may experience your emotions differently, but that doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. You’re doing great. :)
I know you probably have a lot of asks to work through, but I was wondering if you had any suggestions for managing the feeling like I'm just faking everything. I have been diagnosed with BPD for a while but my case seems to be... milder. I've been busting my butt trying to recover and things are getting better, but I'm constantly haunted by the thought that I was never REALLY sick and I've just done the entire thing for attention. The shame is really overwhelming!
If you’ve been diagnosed with BPD, then you meet diagnostic criteria. Plain and simple. :)
If you have not sat around and decided to fake symptoms, planned them out, etc., then you’re not faking it. There’s a standardized image in most people’s minds of what BPD is “supposed” to look like, it seems, but in reality you can’t paint over everyone diagnosed with it the same way. A lot of those misconceptions are based in stigma and unfortunately, I’ve noticed that it can lead to a lot of shame and self-invalidation. I dealt with it, you’re dealing with it, and I’ve watched others deal with it as well.
I know the diagnostic criteria has shifted with the new DSM, but when you think about the original way that many of us got diagnosed, you only needed to meet 5/9 of the criteria. There were so many different combinations that could have lead to diagnosis and each and every symptom could present differently in one person versus the next. I know a lot of people with BPD and I can honestly say none of them are the same or have shared the exact same experience. Don’t doubt your own experience just because it’s different from someone else’s. It’s still yours and your symptoms have still been difficult for you to manage. The skills of check the facts and self-validation might help you more.
I’m really proud of you for starting to get better and working so hard for recovery! You can do this.
itsokaycomehome19 replied to your post:
hi, i was wondering if u knew of any bpd...
go on the bpd4bpd subreddit and search group cos there are some kik groups on there:)
This blog is amazing. I've done dbt and it's so helpful and it's great that you present it in an easy to read format. It's so tempting to fill my followers' dashes with your post.
Aw, this is so sweet! Thank you. :)
I'm a diagnosed borderline with depression and I be always had super duper intense emotions but the past week I've been feeling extremely numb. It's a new feeling and sometimes I like that I don't react in such a strong manner but I just feel less happy all together too. Is that me getting better or worse? Im medicated as all hell and have been through dialectic therapy twice. If this is getting better sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it.
Going off of this, I’m not sure I have enough information.
However, I will say a couple things:
Extreme feelings of emptiness are very common in BPD and this could be what you’re experiencing. If it is, distress tolerance skills might help. The ones centered around activity, such as playing a game or doing crafts, have always been especially helpful for me.
It’s possible that what you’re experiencing is a symptom of your depression. If you think this could be the case, maybe consider letting a professional know.
I’ll also add this: From personal experience, I know that one of the most confusing parts of BPD recovery has been the “boredom.” I’m not entirely sure how to explain it. My emotional state used to be so incredibly heightened 90% of the time that, in a way, it was exciting (albeit painful). When I was sad, I was really, really sad. When I was happy, I was on a complete emotional high (and let’s not even talk about the crash that would follow).
Now that I’m recovered, that just isn’t the case. My sadness can still be difficult, but it doesn’t reach where it used to very often or for nearly as long. My happiness is still really nice to experience, but even that is less intense. A lot of the time I think I feel “flat/numb” but really, that’s just my emotional state hanging out at baseline. It’s all definitely taken some getting used to. At times, when I’ve been bored or even only mildly happy/content, I’ve even questioned if something’s wrong because for so many years of my life I was used to those extremes. But over time, it’s become far more familiar and less scary to feel things less intensely.
Recovery is absolutely worth it and I can genuinely say I’m far more comfortable living my life at baseline. Promise.
If you’re questioning if it’s something other than these things, such as a medication problem, etc. then I think you need to let your team know.
Hi, i was wondering if you could help me a little. Since i was 16/17 I've felt that I strongly relate to symptoms of BPD but when i brought it up to the doctor he looked at me weirdly and brushed it off. obviously now i realise it's uncommon to be diagnosed in under 18s but now, at 21 i still relate and i don't know whether i actually do relate, or whether because i've researched it so much i'm trying to apply myself to them and im too scared to seek help because of my previous experience..
You’re right when saying that BPD is rarely diagnosed under the age of 18, but that doesn’t mean that you were incorrect in your suspicions back then. Do you think it might help you to visit a professional and speak with them about your symptoms again? My belief around this kind of thing has always been that whether you receive a diagnosis of BPD or not, you’re still experiencing uncomfortable symptoms and deserve help with them.
Hi I was just wondering if you could give me some advice on how to go about things if you suspect you have a pd? I strongly relate to the symptoms of bpd and avpd but I don't want to straight up tell my GP that for fear of looking like I'm self dx'ing. I want to see a psychologist but it's a long process and I'm so scared of being brushed aside like it's just my depression and anxiety when I feel it's so much more than that
The consult team and I once answered a question similar to this.
Hopefully it helps.
Hey, any advice for being invalidated by parents? I told my mom a day ago that I think I have bpd, but she said that I'm "not that extreme" because she's a doctor and she deals with people who have it, but I do hide a lot of my mood swings and stuff from my parents, and I usually split internally. I just feel really upset and sad and lost... I don't know what to do
Your mother wouldn’t be able to deny you a diagnosis in a professional environment due to bias along with about a million other ethical conflicts, so first know that. BPD symptoms also present themselves in numerous ways. Not everyone with BPD outwardly expresses their emotions in an extreme way and, in fact, many who have it have learned to try and completely suppress displays of emotion overtime due to real/perceived invalidation. I hope that reminding yourself of these things and also focusing on some self-validation skills might relieve you of some of your distress. Talking to a mental health professional you’re not related to about your experience with symptoms is also recommended, as they’re better equipped to tell you if you do or do not have it without bias.
hi, i was wondering if u knew of any bpd groupchats you would recommend?
I don’t, sorry! I know there are Facebook groups you can find. I was in a couple a few years ago. I suggest that you be careful and selective, though, because judging off my own experiences, they can often be pretty toxic environments that make recovery much harder.