“Nueva Destina" [Inspired by Aimee Bender the Remembere] By Emmeline Fernandez
My lover is experiencing uncertainty.
There is no time to spare, no memories to halt.
“J,” I say to his slender body poured into the living room recliner, “can you come here?” he looks my way with a half-smile.
He’s grown prone to lounging. All he does is admire our California sun, hoping that in our southern wind, he will find the answer to his northern destiny.
In just two short weeks, he will be living up North, pursuing a bachelor's degree in Economics at the University of California, Berkeley.
“If one of us is uncertain, this isn’t going to work,” my voice is patient with an undertone of deceit.
“You can’t be mad at me for wanting to try.”
Long distance relationships are tough, they say. Only commit to them if you are patient, they say.
When I was nine years old, I had a purple teddy bear named Kevin. I named him after Fred Savage’s role in The Wonder Years. I took Kevin everywhere, even funerals. When I was 15, my grandfather passed away and as the only US Citizens, my sister and I were given the role of grief. My parents flew us to Mexico City, where we said an entire family’s goodbyes and were swiftly on our way.
We came back to the states with a sense of maturity magnified through grief, and Kevin.
Although no one was dead, I felt grief as the date for J’s admission approached. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to carry the grief of his absence. As an understanding girlfriend, I wanted to assure him everything would be okay. I didn’t realize I’d be left to reassure myself along the journey, too.
January 11th would be the day our love would die.
“How often will you come down?”
“I don’t know--every two weeks?”
“We’ll hardly see each other!”
“I just won’t go until I have time. How about that?”
Nearly every conversation whirled around chance. We left everything to fate by choosing to ignore our future.
I don’t want us to become the couple that finds themselves together yet interacts separately. You know, those couples that walk together into stores, one in front of the other. No hand holding or interlocking of arms. If they get a phone call they claim to be together, but in what context?
Oh yes, Jill. I’m here with Bob running errands, when Bob is two aisles down looking at what beer is on sale.
I knew we were drifting apart. But I’ve always loved love and went at every endeavor wholeheartedly. If this relationship would end, it wouldn’t be by me. I would never give up.
I wake to my first alarm at 5am. The soles of my feet harden as they flatten to the mold of my tiled floor. Its Saturday, which means I have work. Being that I am still in school, I’ve resorted to only working the weekends. I must admit I’ve also chosen this schedule to have more time with J.
While the thought of him leaving hurts, I can’t help but notice how being away is not clouding his mind. Whenever I bring up the conversation of what things might be like, he blows me off.
“Can you stop? Let’s just enjoy the time we have.”
I figured he meant the time we have left before he goes off to the Bay. I never figured he meant the time we had left as us.
I’m not sure what day it was, and I’d like to keep it that way. All I know is the pain I felt listening to his silence on the other line. A silence that made what little I had in my stomach curdle. That soundless noise of chaotic mystery, a ringing of absence.
“Do you still want to be with me?”
“Do you? Don’t be a coward, do you?”
I smeared the phone from my right ear, down to the bottom of my cheek and waited for a sound, anything. It was two AM and there we were, talking.
I couldn't take it anymore, his silence beating my eardrum and turning my insides.
“Just say it. Just say you want to break up.”
“I don’t want to lose you. I’m just, I’m such a bad boyfriend.”
I heard him out. Only because I knew he was right.
The beginning of our relationship started innocently, over some coffee and college prep. He had been with one of my close friends for about five years so yes, it was innocent as I did not pursue the friendship in hopes of anything escalating. It was during conversations like this when I doubted whether I had made the right choice by ignoring my gut and following my lustful heart.
Always listen to your gut.
The next morning went on as if nothing had happened. It wasn’t until the end of the night that I even heard a smidge of an apology.
“Sorry about last night. It hasn't really been easy to adjust.”
While I was adjusting to a long-distance relationship, he was adjusting to the relationship, a new environment, school, and a new apartment. Was I being inconsiderate to his demanding change in lifestyle? Or was it just as irresponsible of him to put all feelings aside, which led to this predicament in the first place?
The fight was pegged more on my part. He was upset with how I was constantly looking for a response to my last message or simply because I was looking to receive a call at the end of the day. I understand that I was asking for more than he could give me and, in that moment, realize there had never been a smidge of compromise in our relationship. Our relationship was 90/10 and always had been. While it was clear we were over, we continued to go back and forth on who was the one to blame, exhausting every avenue and getting nowhere.
Then, the skies began to clear. We began to weed out the unnecessary verbiage of what we felt had to be said and finally began speaking our truths. That night, our love died. And with Kevin by my side, I fell into a state of grief and said my goodbyes.
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