Just a progress update I’m up to 8mg of Ativan a day
Substance abuse update? I can’t describe the ways things have been. All i do is like, cry, and this. To make the pain stop.
My mom suggested i go to rehab again. I’m suicidal and just drowning myself in substances. Trying to disappear.
It looks easy but it’s the most pain I’ve ever been in. I know i need help but my situation is so dark and complicated, it’s like i can’t get out
I feel trapped so i just knock myself out with whatever i can.whatever i can.
Yeah theres more to a person than their addiction issues. But this is what it looks like when it starts getting bad, when I disappear and ppl havent heard from me- friends, family, jobs, etc. Wondering where tf i fell off the face of the earth to, and what I’m doing. I’ll be gone for days.
In one of these phases where i do really poorly for myself and, i feel like total shit. Hard to explain, just. So tired. All i wanna do is cry, but instead of that i just take mouthfuls till I’m delirious, can’t walk straight, or keep up with what day it is, where I’ve been or what I’ve been doing
After everything going on, the last six months. I came home today. Someone did all my laundry, hung them up neat in my closet all in a row. And cleaned up the piles of trash all over my room- it smells clean. Like clean laundry. I really needed that.
I,,, mmm… i lost my shit and started playing the electric guitar, in this fucked up place, for 4 meth heads. And i was, just screaming and crying while playing it, hooked up to an amp loud as shit. I was hoping for a noise complaint from police. Stepping over backwards cross over walk with my feet and tripping fall into a closet behind me and sliding down the wall. I was fucked up. Nearly broke the guitar.
This is what someone totally lost looks like who is being eaten alive by their own pain and is doing anything they can to escape it. When i realize i can’t is when i started to lose it.
I don’t always remember what i do. But this one night i do remember i took a sledge hammer from outside, and just went straight into a painting i found inside, biggest one i could find. And just chopped up instruments, and paintings. I took a knife and ripped it apart, and broke its frame over my legs and threw it around.
I realized my recklessness was getting out of control so i reeled myself back in and came home. Apologized to the people who witnessed me losing my shit. Then i had an extremely bleak dinner conversation, with someone who, does nothing but dissapoint me. I left 100 dollars on the table and walked out. Went home.
My life here is… a fucking joke. I’m angry more than anything, but if i let that on. People will just think I’m completely psycho. You don’t know what it’s like, you really don’t.
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