Ren had hoped…no he wanted Yoh to react to what he was saying. He didn’t know how but it was starting to unnerve Ren to see him staying still just letting him do as he wanted.
Until Ren made the last question.
He saw it in the Asakura’s brown eyes, something snapped, his words had finally hit him deep enough to make him react. Ren had meant the question, he wanted to know why he had been more important than Yoh’s dream to make this world a better place. Why had he sacrificed his dream for one person?! For him?!
The look in Yoh’s eyes, however, gave him an unexpected chill. One that actually made him widen his golden eyes even if for a short moment and just as Ryu complied to Yoh and took Manta with him, Ren felt Yoh pushing against his hold at his collar.
Ren saw Hao for a split moment. That brief encounter he had had with the older twin, Yoh now had the same look and Ren’s heart skipped a beat.
He felt fear. Fear at Yoh’s look, fear at Yoh’s voice, fear at Yoh’s growing, tightening grip.
But he didn’t let it show. Instead Ren frowned “Yes. I am asking you this, Yoh.” he took a few steps back despite trying to resist it. And Yoh’s words hit him like a train, actually made him reconsider but he held his ground “Why did you do it? Were you just trying to play hero?!”
He took another step back but Ren fought back this time, pushing back against Yoh’s grip.
“What’s the point of saving someone when you are falling at the mercy of another?!” he bore his teeth at him, frown deepened “Did you even know that four eyes nearly double crossed you?! That he didn’t have any intention of bringing me back while at the same time intended to keep you out of the Shaman Fight?!”
The grip around Yoh’s collar tightened much as Ren felt Yoh’s grip on his arms also tightened. This was a game of strength now.
“What if they had killed all of us, Yoh? Would you have died to bring all of us back? Sell your soul, hand over your heart to them?! I may not be able to get to Hao but you can, you are needed damn it!”
And then that question was made. Pierced Ren’s chest like Peyote’s sword had. Made his recently awakened heart skip a beat. Why had he…allowed himself to be killed…the answer, for Ren, was easy but he didn’t expect Yoh to agree with him. Much like their talks throughout the months in the Patch village and even at the island, many things they didn’t agree on, visions that were different…this was just another one.
“You know how many people I have killed, Yoh. And even knowing so, you still think I deserve to live? That I deserve to walk the same ground as you? The same ground as Nichrom?”
The grip tightened. His voice, however, calmed down.
“That kid joined Hao because of me. If my death can’t satisfy him then all I can do is let him fight me.” a dry gulp “The Shaman Fight can afford to lose me. It can’t afford to lose you.”
Instead of being honest, Ren fought back, deflecting in the same way Yoh was used to do — in the same way he’d already done. He tried to bite his retorts down, but his fury kept rising at every provocation.
”I didn’t know Marco would try that. I don’t know everything, but I had to trust their word! I had to try!”
But upon the question of whether he would’ve done the same if they’d all died, which Ren probably thought would be a winner, Yoh’s remaining temper burst into a despaired yell: “OF COURSE I WOULD’VE! I WOULD’VE DONE ANYTHING!”
His throat strained from the screaming, burning like corrosion. The pain snapped Yoh out of his rage for a moment. This wasn’t how he liked to deal with problems — but something about Ren pulled out this side of him like no one else could. He wanted to let it go, but he’d gotten under his skin, and those nights of opening up had probably taught Ren exactly where to strike.
And he’d fallen right into it.
As he tried to bring himself down, Ren got the upper hand and pushed him backwards with both his body and his words. His self-hatred was still so strong, and Yoh knew all he could do was offer his hand to pull him out, but only when asked, and Ren wasn’t asking. Like his signature attack, every word was a jab straight to the heart. Perhaps Ren still didn’t realize that Yoh’s heart, too, got pierced by the refusal to forgive himself or anybody else.
With an exasperated sigh, Yoh finally looked away, though his voice still ebbed anger.
“Do you think that the only way to repay the damage you’ve done is to die? No way around it, everyone who kills must be killed as well? Because you’re wrong. There are other ways, better ways to redeem yourself while you’re still alive. You’ve changed, Ren. Your dream changed with you. You’re trying to heal others, give them a chance to choose when you didn’t have it. Isn’t that worth an opportunity to keep going?”
